The Return Of The Ghost of Ask Grandma Hardcore Goes West
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This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.
Hey. I noticed you guys what, three times on Joystiq in the last week? Enough is enough, kid. First on the Zork Thompson thing and then the Business Week article, what do you have like a viral advertising deal going with Joystiq? I don't go to video game sites to read non stop articels about your Grandma, I go to read about games. If you're going to advertise, do it like everybody else, stop spamming.
Chapter 1 - To The Gates Of Hell
So I really hate this Howard Stern guy, right? I mean LOOK at him, with that HAIR, and those SHOES; he is soo shock-jock 1993, I mean, Hello! Did you see his pants? Oh my good lord, that's tacky. Anyway, Hi! I'm Jack, and I am so excited to write a book [~\~finally :)~/~] and I want to thank all my friends at Take Two (Hi guys!) who made me famous and stuff, and Jesus. I am all about Jesus, you know it was Jesus who said "To be able to love once-would not that be better than all the homage in the world?" No, wait- that was Max Beerbohm, but he TOTALLY stole that one from Jesus, I mean come ON.
Chapter 2 - People Really Like Me
Okay, if you're still reading this, that means you're totally in to me, and that's okay- because a lot of folks are. Miranda, she likes me, and Phillip at Food Lion always slices my low-fat turkey just the way I like it. Thanks Phillip! Oh, and Jesus. I am all about Jesus, you know it was Jesus who said "To be able to love once-would not that be better than all the homage in the world?" Oh. My. God. Let me tell you, ghost writing is SO HARD. I am SO repeating myself. Anyway there are a whole bunch of Family Christian Moral Family Jesus Family groups that invite me to speak, and they pay me (Thanks guys!).
Chapter 3 - Hillary And Me
Mrs. Clinton walked in to the room slowly holding a piece of legislature like it was a part of her smooth, sexy body. "Why Jack," she cooed at me softly, her American flag pin glistening in the Christmas tree light. "I didn't get you anything."
"No Hillary, it's too soon-" I said, tempting her aggressions with denial. "Your husband-"
"Oh, don't worry about him..." she began, but I knew it was coming. We went for hours. Her delicate hands brushed across my tiny member so many times suddenly I knew for sure what love was for the first time. In the morning she brought me a cup of cafe olay and a cigarette, I'm telling you: my balls; like fucking concrete....
Chapter 4 - Rockstar Games
Okay, this game "Grand Theft Auto," it like; teaches kids how to shoot people- the military (The Army I think. Hi Guys!) down at Ft. Jackson totally uses GTA to train its troops, but I like the troops, so its not their fault they are cold blooded killers conditioned by Canadians with their filthy, filthy games. But it's not just that! No! They included boobies! And sex! They thought they could get that one by me, but I showed them what's what. No one should have to see sex, it's just not natural. If sex was natural, then God would not have invented Pay Per View. I like Jesus. I am all about the Jesus.
Chapter 5 - The Media
It was SO COOL to be on television so much, and all the reporters were SUPER nice to me. At CNN, they give you all the coffee you want, but FOX News is where it's at because they have doughnuts and I have a chocolate cream addiction like you wouldn't believe. MSNBC was all like "We want you on in five minutes!" but I was all like "I can't! My Tie is stuck in your super powerful toilets!" and they were all like "Dude, no one has had a problem with our bathrooms but you. If you can't be out there we have to call it off," and I was all like "Nooooo!!!" like Darth Vader in Episode 3 (That is SUCH a good movie, man I want to meet Hayden Christiansan SO BAD. Like REALLY BAD. He's so cool) and they laughed and I laughed and it was pretty funny.
Epilogue - What's Coming Next
Oh my GOD, I wrote a BOOK! That's so cool! And it was all me, too- I didn't have a ghostwriter or anything, seriously I DIDN'T. And if you say I did, then I'll SUE you because I'm an awesome attorney with nothing to do and that's a dangerous thing, my friend. Anyway, there are all kinds of cool games coming out that I can exploit with my patented "It Causes Kids To Kill" bullshit that people seem to like so much. I can't WAIT for Condemned to come out for the XBox 360, that looks so awesome. I'll like, play it- then I can SUE them and get my money back because it made me violent. Thanks for reading my book! (Hi Guys!)