Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Grandma Wishes Psychonauts Dead

Grandma has peaked in Psychonauts. Her temper has reached it's worst, and she has uttered the phrase "I should throw this GOD DAMN FUCKING GAME OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW GOD DAMMIT!!!! FUCK!!!!"

She's stuck.

She has to put the beat down on a very large dude with a meat cleaver who moans "BUUNNNYYY!!!" and trys to chop you. One has to run up his arm (sort of like the Giants in Resident Evil 4) to get to any point of doing damage. She just can't do it yet. I wrote down her statements of the past 10 minutes or so, uncensored. If there are any children around you, send them to bed and tell them something scary to make them stay there. It gets bad from here on in....


"Motherfucker! This cocksucking asshole keeps- MOTHER FUCKER!!"

[...]

"God damn, this fucker.... you fuckhead, you shit you- NO!! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!!"

[...]

Me- "How do you kill him?"
Grandma- "You have to run up his GOD DAMN ARMS!!! SHIT!!!"
Me- "I'm going to go turn on the dishwasher or something...."

[...]

"I don't understand how you're suppose to stay on!! I DON'T UNDER STAND HOW YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO GET ON--- MOTHER FUCKER!!"

[...]

"BITCH!"

[...]

"This is the dumbest god damn thing... I don't get this! I just don't get it! I'm going to throw this fucking game away-- because it's never going to END-- IT'S NEVER GOING TO-- GOD DAMMIT!!!!!"

[...]

"Cocksucker.......Fuck......BITCH!.......NOO!!!!!! NO!! GOD DAMMIT!!! [speaking to game] Do you realize how LONG I'VE BEEN AT THIS?? YOU SHIT?! FUCK YOU!!!"

[...]

"I fucking give up... I'm putting on poker, this is FUCKING ridiculous, I can't DO THIS SHIT!"

[...]

"FUCK!!!!! MOTHER FUCKER!! KISS my ass, you giant fucking ASSHOLE!!"

[...]

"JUST DIE already you piece of shit.... it just keeps fucking GOING...."

[...]

Grandma- "Get Bobby in here, maybe he can do it."
Me- "Alright..." [fetches the boy]
Bobby- "What?"
Grandma- "BEAT THE SHIT out of this guy."
Bobby- "Okay.... what does this button do?"
Grandma- "NO! You have to run up his arm-"
Bobby- "How do I jump?"
Grandma- "RUN UP HIS ARM!!"
Bobby- "I can't! I don't know how to play this game!"
Grandma- "FUCK!! Tim, you do it, I give up."
Me- "I don't know the buttons or anything, I haven't started a file yet..."
Grandma- "FUCK!!!!!!!"

[...]

[Game]- BUUNNYYY!!!
Grandma- [high crazy voice] "BUNNY!! BUNNY!! FUCKING BUNNY!!! Say it again, go ahead- SAY IT AGAIN!! FUCK, I'm tired of this guy!"

[...]

..........you bitch. I'll see you later.......

Then she got up, turned off the console and replaced the game with WCP and signed on the XBox Live, ready to kill. She's going to pick it up again tonight when she's more relaxed. Psychonauts has penetrated HER mind, ironically enough, and it found her "Anger Core..." It's going to be a long night....

--Updates coming tomorrow! Thanks everybody!--

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