Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Jack Thompson, Shit Head

Popular Culture Gaming published a few days ago that Grandma's nemesis, Jack Thompson, somehow found a publisher that hires teams of estrus maddened oxen for its editing staff.

Congratulations Jack, you pompous douchbag pig of a man. Doctor Reverend Thompson's new book is entitled "Out Of Harm's Way," and let me tell you its going to be a fascinating read for the twelve family members who pick up a copy.

Here's the scheme: piss off a whole lot of people under the veil of morality. Make sure those you infuriate with such zingers as "...his new name should be Coward Stern" have already painstakingly built up an audience of their own, thus providing your lazy unmarketable ass with free publicity when they inevitably retaliate. Google your own name constantly, finding every person who makes any statement at all about your shoddy work, respond with bile and watch the invites for news programs come rolling in as your Technorati search rating climbs and your name becomes synonymous with "Penis." (This is brilliant, actually- almost half our population, in fact, have penises; so the product tie-ins alone will bring in $30,000 a year.)

Grandma loathes Thompson enough where she isn't really curious at all as to what he has to say in his opus; certainly not enough to actually buy it and not enough to risk the late charges that come from taking it from the library and accidentally using the binding as an ashtray. So I have a solution. While one cannot reproduce copyrighted material on a website legally without the permission of the author, one can summarize all they wish; so here it is free of charge:

I present to you: "Out Of Harms Way" by Jack Thompson in Chapter Abstract form:

Chapter 1 - To The Gates Of Hell

So I really hate this Howard Stern guy, right? I mean LOOK at him, with that HAIR, and those SHOES; he is soo shock-jock 1993, I mean, Hello! Did you see his pants? Oh my good lord, that's tacky. Anyway, Hi! I'm Jack, and I am so excited to write a book [~\~finally :)~/~] and I want to thank all my friends at Take Two (Hi guys!) who made me famous and stuff, and Jesus. I am all about Jesus, you know it was Jesus who said "To be able to love once-would not that be better than all the homage in the world?" No, wait- that was Max Beerbohm, but he TOTALLY stole that one from Jesus, I mean come ON.

Chapter 2 - People Really Like Me

Okay, if you're still reading this, that means you're totally in to me, and that's okay- because a lot of folks are. Miranda, she likes me, and Phillip at Food Lion always slices my low-fat turkey just the way I like it. Thanks Phillip! Oh, and Jesus. I am all about Jesus, you know it was Jesus who said "To be able to love once-would not that be better than all the homage in the world?" Oh. My. God. Let me tell you, ghost writing is SO HARD. I am SO repeating myself. Anyway there are a whole bunch of Family Christian Moral Family Jesus Family groups that invite me to speak, and they pay me (Thanks guys!).

Chapter 3 - Hillary And Me

Mrs. Clinton walked in to the room slowly holding a piece of legislature like it was a part of her smooth, sexy body. "Why Jack," she cooed at me softly, her American flag pin glistening in the Christmas tree light. "I didn't get you anything."
"No Hillary, it's too soon-" I said, tempting her aggressions with denial. "Your husband-"
"Oh, don't worry about him..." she began, but I knew it was coming. We went for hours. Her delicate hands brushed across my tiny member so many times suddenly I knew for sure what love was for the first time. In the morning she brought me a cup of cafe olay and a cigarette, I'm telling you: my balls; like fucking concrete....

Chapter 4 - Rockstar Games

Okay, this game "Grand Theft Auto," it like; teaches kids how to shoot people- the military (The Army I think. Hi Guys!) down at Ft. Jackson totally uses GTA to train its troops, but I like the troops, so its not their fault they are cold blooded killers conditioned by Canadians with their filthy, filthy games. But it's not just that! No! They included boobies! And sex! They thought they could get that one by me, but I showed them what's what. No one should have to see sex, it's just not natural. If sex was natural, then God would not have invented Pay Per View. I like Jesus. I am all about the Jesus.

Chapter 5 - The Media

It was SO COOL to be on television so much, and all the reporters were SUPER nice to me. At CNN, they give you all the coffee you want, but FOX News is where it's at because they have doughnuts and I have a chocolate cream addiction like you wouldn't believe. MSNBC was all like "We want you on in five minutes!" but I was all like "I can't! My Tie is stuck in your super powerful toilets!" and they were all like "Dude, no one has had a problem with our bathrooms but you. If you can't be out there we have to call it off," and I was all like "Nooooo!!!" like Darth Vader in Episode 3 (That is SUCH a good movie, man I want to meet Hayden Christiansan SO BAD. Like REALLY BAD. He's so cool) and they laughed and I laughed and it was pretty funny.

Epilogue - What's Coming Next

Oh my GOD, I wrote a BOOK! That's so cool! And it was all me, too- I didn't have a ghostwriter or anything, seriously I DIDN'T. And if you say I did, then I'll SUE you because I'm an awesome attorney with nothing to do and that's a dangerous thing, my friend. Anyway, there are all kinds of cool games coming out that I can exploit with my patented "It Causes Kids To Kill" bullshit that people seem to like so much. I can't WAIT for Condemned to come out for the XBox 360, that looks so awesome. I'll like, play it- then I can SUE them and get my money back because it made me violent. Thanks for reading my book! (Hi Guys!)

So there you have it. Now you don't need to torture yourself knowing the librarian will look deep into your soul as she glances through your records to find an entry under the category "Asshole Autobiography" and assume you read Pol Pot's recently published recipe book.

I'm glad Grandma and I could help.

--Ask Grandma Hardcore is at our usual time tonight of 9:00pm EST, continuing on into the night for West Coast and International readers. Thanks Everybody!--


  • At 1:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    That's fucking hilarious, man. You have a David Mamet AND Beerbohm reference in with this asshole.

    I likes the contrast. Jack Thompson will never amount to what they did.

    Fuck that guy!

    Go Grandma!!

  • At 2:03 PM, Anonymous Sam said…

    Jack Thompson is a self-righteous blowhard.

    I wouldn't be surprised if he tried suing Grandma for using his name in a "naughty, unchristian" way.

    Jack Thompson eats babies. There I said it.

  • At 3:28 PM, Blogger HandOverFist said…

    Jackoff Titson can eat a dick. Yea I know my name spin was very witty and not elementary in any way. Thank You.

    By the way when I say I'm banned from the forums I mean I can't access my account at all. So there's no way of me sending a pm to any moderator offering him a blowjob if he'll let me back in.

  • At 3:32 PM, Blogger Collin said…

    Heheheheh :) Good post.

  • At 3:34 PM, Anonymous Blue said…

    You, sir, make me laugh a ton. I very much needed a laugh today.

    Damn, Tim and Grandma, you have no idea how much I love this site. Unfailingly, when I have a bad day, or I'm pissed about something, I come here, and I always end up laughing and feeling better. That sounds kind of lame to say, but it's entirely true.

    Oh, and Jack Thompson is seriously fucking übercrazy. Did you see his poo-flinging at Scott from VG Cats? (right here = http://www.vgcats.com/jack.php) It's MADNESS. Gotta love how Scott handles it, though. ::heart piece::

    Anyhow - be well, thanks again for being so awesome, and GAME ON!


  • At 5:34 AM, Anonymous Toxicsh0ck said…

    hey grandma!

    Fuck this guy. This is the same person who probably goes to the strip club every nite and pays whores for sex. then he uses the god/jesus card as a viable arguement. Im really pretty sure his idea of a perfect world in his opinion is somewhat flawed. Furthermore what the hell does any of that have to do with god in the first place. Ok... now im ranting.

    If he wasnt so goddamn hypocritical i think he would step back and realize that hes not so fucking perfect.

    Geeze what a cockbite.


  • At 11:25 AM, Blogger Jakanden said…


    Oh Tim that is awsome bro

  • At 1:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Jack Thompson rolls up his windows and locks his doors when ever he passes a mall that has an EB or a Gamestop. He is psychotic enough to think that gamers are dangerous, horrible people.

    He also rapes chickens, I hear :)

    Thanks, Tim. I love your "link" to his book. Fuck that guy.

  • At 9:54 AM, Anonymous Steph said…

    HA! Tim, that was brilliant. Seriously. You should be a screenwriter. OH MY GOD! I'm crying. And I can't breath. I like what "anonymous" right above me said too.

    *sigh* Oh man. still can't breath.........

  • At 3:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

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  • At 11:45 PM, Blogger endy smith said…

    you blog is very funny? wanna do it more readable? than follow proof-reading.services writing scholarship for getting to know how to fo this.


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