Jack Thompson, Shit Head
Congratulations Jack, you pompous douchbag pig of a man. Doctor Reverend Thompson's new book is entitled "Out Of Harm's Way," and let me tell you its going to be a fascinating read for the twelve family members who pick up a copy.
Here's the scheme: piss off a whole lot of people under the veil of morality. Make sure those you infuriate with such zingers as "...his new name should be Coward Stern" have already painstakingly built up an audience of their own, thus providing your lazy unmarketable ass with free publicity when they inevitably retaliate. Google your own name constantly, finding every person who makes any statement at all about your shoddy work, respond with bile and watch the invites for news programs come rolling in as your Technorati search rating climbs and your name becomes synonymous with "Penis." (This is brilliant, actually- almost half our population, in fact, have penises; so the product tie-ins alone will bring in $30,000 a year.)
Grandma loathes Thompson enough where she isn't really curious at all as to what he has to say in his opus; certainly not enough to actually buy it and not enough to risk the late charges that come from taking it from the library and accidentally using the binding as an ashtray. So I have a solution. While one cannot reproduce copyrighted material on a website legally without the permission of the author, one can summarize all they wish; so here it is free of charge:
I present to you: "Out Of Harms Way" by Jack Thompson in Chapter Abstract form:
Chapter 1 - To The Gates Of Hell
So I really hate this Howard Stern guy, right? I mean LOOK at him, with that HAIR, and those SHOES; he is soo shock-jock 1993, I mean, Hello! Did you see his pants? Oh my good lord, that's tacky. Anyway, Hi! I'm Jack, and I am so excited to write a book [~\~finally :)~/~] and I want to thank all my friends at Take Two (Hi guys!) who made me famous and stuff, and Jesus. I am all about Jesus, you know it was Jesus who said "To be able to love once-would not that be better than all the homage in the world?" No, wait- that was Max Beerbohm, but he TOTALLY stole that one from Jesus, I mean come ON.
Chapter 2 - People Really Like Me
Okay, if you're still reading this, that means you're totally in to me, and that's okay- because a lot of folks are. Miranda, she likes me, and Phillip at Food Lion always slices my low-fat turkey just the way I like it. Thanks Phillip! Oh, and Jesus. I am all about Jesus, you know it was Jesus who said "To be able to love once-would not that be better than all the homage in the world?" Oh. My. God. Let me tell you, ghost writing is SO HARD. I am SO repeating myself. Anyway there are a whole bunch of Family Christian Moral Family Jesus Family groups that invite me to speak, and they pay me (Thanks guys!).
Chapter 3 - Hillary And Me
Mrs. Clinton walked in to the room slowly holding a piece of legislature like it was a part of her smooth, sexy body. "Why Jack," she cooed at me softly, her American flag pin glistening in the Christmas tree light. "I didn't get you anything."
"No Hillary, it's too soon-" I said, tempting her aggressions with denial. "Your husband-"
"Oh, don't worry about him..." she began, but I knew it was coming. We went for hours. Her delicate hands brushed across my tiny member so many times suddenly I knew for sure what love was for the first time. In the morning she brought me a cup of cafe olay and a cigarette, I'm telling you: my balls; like fucking concrete....
Chapter 4 - Rockstar Games
Okay, this game "Grand Theft Auto," it like; teaches kids how to shoot people- the military (The Army I think. Hi Guys!) down at Ft. Jackson totally uses GTA to train its troops, but I like the troops, so its not their fault they are cold blooded killers conditioned by Canadians with their filthy, filthy games. But it's not just that! No! They included boobies! And sex! They thought they could get that one by me, but I showed them what's what. No one should have to see sex, it's just not natural. If sex was natural, then God would not have invented Pay Per View. I like Jesus. I am all about the Jesus.
Chapter 5 - The Media
It was SO COOL to be on television so much, and all the reporters were SUPER nice to me. At CNN, they give you all the coffee you want, but FOX News is where it's at because they have doughnuts and I have a chocolate cream addiction like you wouldn't believe. MSNBC was all like "We want you on in five minutes!" but I was all like "I can't! My Tie is stuck in your super powerful toilets!" and they were all like "Dude, no one has had a problem with our bathrooms but you. If you can't be out there we have to call it off," and I was all like "Nooooo!!!" like Darth Vader in Episode 3 (That is SUCH a good movie, man I want to meet Hayden Christiansan SO BAD. Like REALLY BAD. He's so cool) and they laughed and I laughed and it was pretty funny.
Epilogue - What's Coming Next
Oh my GOD, I wrote a BOOK! That's so cool! And it was all me, too- I didn't have a ghostwriter or anything, seriously I DIDN'T. And if you say I did, then I'll SUE you because I'm an awesome attorney with nothing to do and that's a dangerous thing, my friend. Anyway, there are all kinds of cool games coming out that I can exploit with my patented "It Causes Kids To Kill" bullshit that people seem to like so much. I can't WAIT for Condemned to come out for the XBox 360, that looks so awesome. I'll like, play it- then I can SUE them and get my money back because it made me violent. Thanks for reading my book! (Hi Guys!)
So there you have it. Now you don't need to torture yourself knowing the librarian will look deep into your soul as she glances through your records to find an entry under the category "Asshole Autobiography" and assume you read Pol Pot's recently published recipe book.
I'm glad Grandma and I could help.
--Ask Grandma Hardcore is at our usual time tonight of 9:00pm EST, continuing on into the night for West Coast and International readers. Thanks Everybody!--