Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Grandma Fucks Around In Indigo Prophecy

The format of this post may seem silly right now, because mobile blogging, while "the shit," doesn't have all the options one would imagine it has. Bear with me....

Playing "Indogo Prophecy" is more or less playing Simon with a story. The game itself is a mere cutscene behind the primary element of gameplay, a series of flashed directional commands set to a colorful circle. Sound familiar? This makes for interesting dialogue from Grandma in the form of audible corrections to her movement followed by heavy vulgarity.

Exhibit A:

"Left... Right... Up, UP UP!!! FUCK!!!!"

"Right... two down.... two up... no Green! GREEN!! GOD DAMMIT! WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH CRAZY PEOPLE?"

"Left... up... dodge the angels THE ANGELS, FUCKER!!"

"I PRESSED UP! Tim, look at this shit, I PRESSED the fucking thing."

"Oh That's BULLSHIT- it goes faster!!"

"No asshole! Don't fucking COUGH! THE COP WILL SEE YOU!!! Up... Left.... ....god damn this stupid fucking thing.... This is impossible."

One reader refered to it as "track and field gameplay" and that's about right. The Left-Right shoulder button repetitions appear at the most difficult of moments, to Grandma's "delight."

"Oh, yeah- I love this fucking game. It doesn't get any better than THIS FUCKING SHIT."

Sarcasm is not one of her stronger areas. In Resident Evil 4, the button mashing techniques were spaced out, appropriately designated for cutscenes and tense moments. In Indigo Prophecy, however, one scene depicts Lucas' apartment falling around around him, with different objects flying at his head every few seconds for about six hours (or so it seems,) creating a ridiculous scene to watch. Imagine a man standing in a heavily furnished hotel room waiting around for shit to fly at his head, rather than taking cover or hiding. Now imagine this goes on for 10 minutes, all the while you have to match up directions and colors on each thumbstick. Now imagine 15 more minutes have passed, and you're still doing the same thing. Now imagine your head exploding, creating a messy layer of brain matter and skull for your family to clean up.

This is Indigo Prophecy.

The game's saving grace is the story- which truly is riviting. The game itself is rather short, but it can take bloody forever if you choose Hard Mode, in which your game of Simon goes beyond the occasional fondue party slap of the plastic and travels into the dimension of pain and suffering; or "Hell" as it is dubbed in many cultures.

The voice acting is also surprisingly well done, even after you die for the nineteenth time by falling off a building. That scream is always followed by a sense that, however many takes it required in the sound studio, by God that was the best one.

Grandma is almost done with her first time through the game, which makes me think this would make an excellent rental, and a great buy when it reaches the "Classics" list. I'll have Grandma's final thoughts on the matter after her ordeal is over, and I'll try not to slip any spoilers for you who haven't played yet.


  • At 9:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I was sort of wondering what she would think of that part of Fahrenheit (IP). I feel the EXACT same way. Good game otherwise.

  • At 10:04 PM, Blogger Jesse said…

    I like Simon..... so long as it's simon with a hardy dose of Garfunkel.

  • At 12:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dude, if your grandma really does get down with this shit, then you will see me on my knees worshipping!!!! HAIL OGH-mutha fuckin-C..That is some dope shit!

  • At 9:03 AM, Anonymous Sam said…

    You know what it's like? It's like Myst only with more action. I liked Indigo Prophecy, but I don't think I would buy it.

  • At 3:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Yea the game is simon says on steroids. but really you have to take the game as something different. you're playing through a movie really, where you have a level of control of how the story turns out (which characters stay around, mulitple endings, some hot brown sugar on the side or not... etc etc...)

    you have to admit the storyline, the characters, and the voice acting is second to none.

    I did think it was slow until you get to the part where the cops try to arrest lucas kane. Then its like, "shit gets real".

    the focus i think isn't the combat, but having an authentic feel of control, and being immersed in a wonderful story.

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