Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Friday, July 22, 2005

My Grandma, The Hypocrite

The web cam is picking up some good stuff for the next video. Conker has a quirk to it that adds a bit of guaranteed frustrated screaming; the game isn't exactly linear. Sometimes she just wanders around for ten minutes wondering "where the fuck do I go now?" She still enjoys Conker L&R, as evident in the statement "oh he's cute! You know I think I like all games with cute animals..."

Normally when a gamer makes a blanket statement like that, somebody is going to challenge it. And so I did. I knew the three horrifying words that would not only prove her wrong, but also make her skin crawl. If you feel uncomfortable reading about an old lady trembling in terror, you should stop reading now.

"Oh yeah?" I said, building up what she knew she had coming. "What about Ecco The Dolphin?"

She actually paused her game and looked at me. She knew what I said, but she asked anyway. "What did you say?"

"Ecco The Dolphin, Sega Genesis, early nineties- you know..."
"That doesn't count."
"Why not? Ecco was cute."
"...No. Ecco was not cute. Ecco was fucking annoying." I knew I hit a nerve. She gave me a look that said "that name is never again to be mentioned in this house," and continued on with Conker, trying to get back the joyous buzz I just killed.


Let me tell you a little about Grandma's love-hate relationship with Ecco. Usually, when Grandma hates a game, I mean truly despises it, she'll just take back the Rental, make a mental note of who made it, and consider out loud the possibility of sending them hate-mail. But not Ecco. She kept plugging away at the thing until her fingers hurt. Her quest for "finding air" in a level compares to a doctor knowingly trying to resuscitate the known rapist-murderer of a child. Our house was lit up during Grandma's Ecco phase by screams I had never heard before, and have never heard since. They weren't the fun "Die, Cocksucker!!" shouts like in Resident Evil; and they wern't the half laugh, half cries of "God dammit!! Please just get on the fucking ledge!!" from Aero the Acrobat and others. These screams were inhuman bellows not meant to be heard by anyone who has not participated in war.

"FUCKING SHIT GOD DAMMIT!!!!!!!!"
"JUMP OVER THE GODDAMN ISLAND!!!!!!!"
"YEEEAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

It hurts to remember, but it is necessary so that we do not make the same mistake again.

--Coming up... Video #4: Conker Live and Reloaded... A Trip To Circuit City.... Etc.,. We feed on your comments and e-mails!! Keep them coming!--

10 Comments:

  • At 12:11 PM, Anonymous kcswanko said…

    Questions:

    1. Are you a gamer? Like your granma?

    2. Does she have a favorite system? Nintendo. sony, etc?

     
  • At 1:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Your grandma is right, Ecco is not a cute animal. Ecco was Satan in dophin form sent to torture the gamers of the world.

    I hated that game.

     
  • At 2:08 PM, Anonymous Kate said…

    Usually I never bother with blogs...I mean who really cares what Johnny in Kansas thinks about the state of the national debt. This changed my mind. Like so many others I LOVE your grandma! This is one of the only sites that I will check daily to see how grandma is doing.
    Patiently awaiting your next entry and/or video.

     
  • At 2:13 PM, Anonymous Brett Alters said…

    What about that game EVO? That pissed me off too. BTW you should totally get a Paypal link, I would donate, this blog is the most entertaining thing I've seen on the net for quite some time, and I frequent all the link sites/blogs/flash toons, but this is really something, keep it coming.

     
  • At 2:34 PM, Anonymous Bobbi said…

    LMAO! Your grandma rocks! If only my mom was as awesome (she's actually a great grandmother right now). I'm also from Cleveland. My mom calls the Chocobos "chickens" when she sees my playing an FF game.

    "Why are you riding a chicken?"

    WTF. Those aren't chickens!

    I think your grandma would agree! XD

     
  • At 10:49 PM, Blogger adam. said…

    your blog is beyond incredible... i almost pissed myself laughing last night back-reading all of your posts and many of the comments! My personal favorites would have to be her responses to the team play required in the latest addition to the Resident Evil series! glad to know other haters were out there! tytyty There truly should be more blogs/people like this on the net, it would be a better place.

     
  • At 2:00 AM, Anonymous jonathan bennett said…

    I remember Ecco being a big deal when it came out. All the magazines said it had awesome graphics.

     
  • At 4:21 AM, Anonymous codemasterda said…

    OGHC reminds me of me, I am a 20 year old gamer though, but still reminds me of me, does she throw her controller down in frustration sometimes?

    anyways she rocks, I wish my mom was a hardcore gamer, but all she does is play the sims and zuma, I am going to talk her into other things, that is if she can get over getting motion sickness, It would help if she plays GTA or some other camera moving game daily and she will eventually get over it.

     
  • At 8:05 PM, Anonymous Meredith said…

    Oh man, I loved Ecco. I coveted my friend's copy so much as a kid. (Actually, I didn't have any consoles as a kid, just an Atari 800XL.) Now I play it with an emulator!

     
  • At 3:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Similar to
    Diablo 3 Itemscountless other folks I really like your grandma! It is on the list of solely web-sites i will probably check out day-to-day to find out just how nanny Runescape Goldis performing.

     

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