Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Friday, July 08, 2005

Grandma Has Destroyed All Humans

I don't think the old lady laughed this hard since Toejam and Earl; but god dammit she thought the beginning of this game was funny.

"Look! I get to pick up a cow!! AAAHHAHAHAHAHAA!!!"


"You can make the cow do the chicken dance! Dance fucker!!!"

And so on. That is, until she realized the mini-missions are really, incredibly hard. Then she stopped laughing and returned to her normal, cheerful ball of geriatric demons. One point of the game of particular annoyance was when she had to "take the form of the mayor of town and convince people nothing was going on." It's sort of a KOTOR thing where you have several options for dialogue. You could A) Blame it on Communists; B) Say you haven't seen anything strange; C) Blame it on rebellious youth listening to jazz music; or D) Kill them all! She kept saying kill them, and the mission would fail. Grandma would scream in protest.
"You have to blame it on the communists," I'd say.
She'd reply: "But the god damn title is Destroy All Fucking Humans!! It doesn't make sense!!"
Then she would go into a strange, under-the-breath diatribe about how games that were not sold as Metal Gear Solid should not be Metal Gear Solid with "all that sneaking around shit..."

It took her about 16 hours of gameplay to get 100%, which unlocked some B-Movie "Teenagers from Outer Space," which she proceeded to watch in it's entirety. Trying reading about terrorism with that in the background. It really puts everything in perspective.


  • At 6:31 PM, Anonymous Anthaneezy said…

    Holy shit dude that's good stuff.

    The quotes were the funniest parts. You should add more of those.

    How about a happy pic of grandma half-sentence shooting out her street poetry while playing a game?

  • At 6:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    haha 'street poetry' thats a great term, going to have to use that.

    i am loving yer grandma, i am trying to convenience my wife this is what she needs to become :)

  • At 11:19 PM, Anonymous webm0nster said…

    Grandma rocks, lol.. def. more quotes. Will be back for sure heh..

  • At 11:26 PM, Anonymous solocommand said…

    fuck man, i haven't laughed so hard since the last presidential debate. funny shit man

  • At 1:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I'm 53 and still playin. I hope that they'll get me the console of the time when I am put out to pasture. Would love to see a pic of your granny playin

  • At 10:29 AM, Anonymous Daywalker said…

    Hello from South Africa. ;)

    Gramma sounds awesome ... get her Conker live and reloaded for X-Box, she will LOVE the humour in that.


  • At 1:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    does grams play halo 2?? i'ld love to see her on xbox live!!

  • At 1:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    You gotta route her television through a computer and takes vids of her playing so we can check out her mad skills. Halo 2 especially...

  • At 10:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dear god, I've found a new role model!!!

    Your grandmom rocks. Hug her for me, and tell her I want to be her when I grow up.

    Rock on!
    Age 31 and a raging CoH/CoV addict

  • At 1:19 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I'm on the dark side of 57,a female,retired,and your Grandma and I are cut from the same cloth.I swear like a sailor while I am playing my xbox games,much like your Grandma. I think she is hysterical!! And the side missions on "DAH's" are tough,but the toughest part has been finding all of the freaking probes scattered all over BFE. You tell Grandma that she is my gaming hero(ine.) Long may she swear!!!

  • At 3:16 PM, Anonymous USSRCommieGamer said…

    OMG! Your granny rocks! Im a hardcore gamer too! DESTROY ALL HUMANS ROCKS!! ESPECIALLY ON XBOX!!!

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