Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Grandma Will Never Play Nintendogs. Never!

Here's why:

We have in our home two lovely little puppies that go by the handles "Charlie" and "Buddha." Charlie was named after Charles Dickens and is a West Highland White Terrier. He will happily shit on your shoes before eating them behind the couch. He is a cute little booger, though. Buddha was named after the popular deity / spiritual leader of the same name and is a Shitzhu. I am aware at how offensive this is; I didn't name him. Buddha looks like an ugly Ewok and growls at everyone, but is an otherwise pleasant pet. If it were not for the two trying to hump each other hourly ending in barking and gnashing of teeth, they would be two cool pups.

And then there is Grandma.

Grandma would never hurt an animal. Grandma HAS never hurt an animal. The threat of pain and mutilation, however, comes frequently and in varying degree of craziness. I don't believe the dogs understand English entirely, which is both comforting and disturbing. If they do know what she's saying and they still wag their tales awaiting a pat on the head, they're just plain stupid or playing dumb for safety. If they don't know what she's rambling on about, I fear they assume even worse punishments than she describes, which, for a dog, is unfathomable.

"CHARLIE!!! MOTHER FUCKER!!!!! [quiet] Did you eat this shoe? DID YOU?? Stay the FUCK out of Linda's ROOM!!!"

"Buddha you son of a bitch I swear to Christ if you piss on this carpet one more god damn fucking time I will rip out your fucking EYES!!!! Yeah! YEAH! GROWL AT ME!! GO AHEAD! I dare you. I dare you to fucking growl at me you worthless piece of shit dog!!!!!"

"Oh! Charlie! I love you Charlie, who's my little puppy? Who! Yes!!! Yes, you're my little puppy, I love Charlie. I love you Charlie!"

"Buddha!!! BUDDHA!!! GET BACK HERE!! ...If I have to come after you dog, you are going to REGRET IT, you fucking hear me!?"

"Buddha! Yay! Who's got a buddha belly? Yes! You gots a buddha belly that likes to be SCRATCHED! YES! You like some attention! You want a treat? Okay, here you go, here's a treat for my little buddha...."

Grandma - "CHARLIE!! You Fucking Dog!!! Jesus FUCKING CHRIST!! I JUST LET YOU OUT!!"
Me - "What?"
Grandma - "Fucking DOG just shat on the carpet AGAIN!"
Me - "You just let him out."
Grandma - "I KNOW! He waits to come in the house, he shits on the rug, and then looks at me like 'what? I didn't do anything!'"
Me - "I'm sure he didn't mean it."
Grandma - "No, don't tell me he doesn't fucking know what he did, he fucking KNOWS, Tim. He understands me. I'm serious, one of these days I'm going to drive out to the middle of the woods and drop his fucking ass over on the side of the road. THEN we'll see where he shits...."

Again, Grandma has never followed through with her threats, and she won't. A half hour later the dog will put on a happy "I love you" grin and hop up on her lap and lick her hands. She start with some "Don't even ask for forgiveness you stupid animal!" but will eventually be won by their charm and treat them like kings. It is interesting to see the whole process go down, though. Grandma always seems to go for shock value with Mom and I when she threatens one of the dogs so that, after one of us says "hey, wait a minute, you wouldn't actually do that to a DOG" we have accidentally taken the dog's "side." Then for whatever wrong the dog has committed, we are justly blamed, and must correct, be it scrubbing up the carpet to picking up tiny pieces of Fiscus all around the living room.

Nintendogs, I think, would only simulate that one part of Grandma's life that involves evil cackling. That's a part I don't think needs to recreated into a tiny digital form. Not until her demons are cured.

--More updates coming! T-Shirts!!! Fuck Yeah! Grandma now officially has a cult following based on our traffic numbers, you guys asked for them, we're getting them for you- T-Shirts and Hoodies! (The markup is going to be incredibly small, again- we're not here to make money from you folks.) Anyway, I'll open up the store here very soon. All I have to do yet is choose the best artwork from our current choices... We'll have some reader input on this as well, we'll show you what we've got and maybe you can improve on our ideas.

Also! I'm typing this on Case's wireless network so if this post looks funny, I'll correct it later tonight for consistency. Thanks Everybody! Comments and E-mails will as always be read by Grandma herself, so you don't have to censor yourselves, it's fucking Grandma, you know?--


  • At 1:27 PM, Blogger Siesh said…

    Ok, you have just described every single night with my cat at home... one second it's "get the FUCK off me or I'll make kitty kabobs out of your ass".. the next it's "come here sweet love bug let momma pet you"...

    That's HILARIOUS!!!!!!!! I don't know an animal owner who doesn't have those moments....

    Good shit man!

  • At 9:14 PM, Blogger Leci said…

    Dogs are a fickle thing. We have a puppy who will refuse to go to the bathroom. When I arrived home from school my mother informed me that she hasn't pooped since last night.

    If you let her out of her crate and into the office, she pees everywhere. God damn dogs.

    Fortunately for her, she is the cutest fucking puppy in the world, and she gives lots of kisses. ^_^;

    And as for the hoodies, can you sell them in large sizes? I know a few french-fry loving friends who are dying to support Old Grandma Hardcore.

    Game on! :D

  • At 1:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    It reminds me of my roommates retarded cat, like today:

    me: what the fuck were you doing outside? I fucking told you not to go outside stupid ass... dont even try to paw me if you scratch my face im going to whip you at the wall and beat you with a lampshade.

    I just said it without thinking, and then i was like wtf holy shit wow. I had to smack him on the head a little, i dont even have to smack him i just kinda cup my hand over his face repeatedly and its just the same, he hates it. Stupid cat.

  • At 8:46 PM, Anonymous QuadRaptor said…

    That reminds me....I need to feed MY Nintendogs -_-''

  • At 1:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Your granny is a granny weirdo (FUCKING WEIRDO)

  • At 7:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    wat tha fuck. thats all i have to say man WAT THA FUUUCK!!!!!!!! that shit is funny. i love it.

  • At 4:20 AM, Blogger shally said…

    Greeting! What do you think of wow gold? I always lack of wow gold to buy some great item for my char before the wow patch 3.1 and I need to do wow power leveling for the cheapest wow gold or I have to search cheap wow gold on google search. The world changed since the 3.1 patch released. Short of buy wow gold for me wasn't so high frequency now. And I’m curious why this situation happened? The items became cheap? Or we can farm wow gold much easy? Hope someone can give me an answer.

  • At 12:24 AM, Anonymous WOW Gold said…

    That jogs my memory involving my personal roommates retarded feline, like these days:

    me: what are the bang were you undertaking outside buy cheap rs gold? I screwing told you to never play outside silly butt... dont even make an effort to foot us should you the begining our face i'm gonna whip an individual in the wall and also beat a person which has a lamp shade.

    I merely stated it with no contemplating, after which i became just like wtf almost holy spunk amazing Cheap RS Gold. I had to be able to hit your pet about the brain just a little, we do not even have to hit your pet i just kind of cup me more than his / her face frequently as well as the same, they despises this.


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