Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Grandma's Better Judgment

Doom is out in theaters now. Grandma knows this but she tries not to discuss it around the children. One must not show their fear around the wee ones, the visible panic alone will clue them in to the coming end of days. Grandma hates movies made from video games. The announcement of an upcoming movie project based on a good game is followed by a loud hand-slap to the forehead and they phrase "FUCK! Not again!"

Sure, she laughed at Tron like the rest of us, but that was movie first, game second. Please, shield your eyes and back slowly away from your computer if you are not ready for some depressing recent nostalgia.

Let's go through some of Grandma's thoughts on the worst things to happen to video games since Jack Thompson, the movie adaptations:

Alone In The Dark (2005)

"It really isn't that hard to make a god awful shitty game into a god awful shitty movie, is it?"

"Jesus, when does this fucking end..."

"You know something, this guy was better in Interview With The Vampire, and he was only in it for 10 minutes."

"The only good thing about this movie is his apartment at the beginning. You might as well turn it off after that.


Lara Croft: Tomb Raider: The Cradle Of Life (2003)

"What does this have to do with anything???"

"I think we've watched this before. I think they just changed outfits to make the sequel."

"Boob shot! That's like ...five now."

"Oh, yeah- that was in the game. Sure it was. This is so stupid..."

"Who wrote this shit? Someone was paid to write this down! THEY PAID SOMEONE. Tim, MILLIONS of dollars were spent on this. That money could have been used in much better places than this fucking thing. Like another game."


Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004)

"Jesus GOD, they made another one."

"I like Mila Jovovich, what the FUCK is she doing in this movie?"

"Why don't we just PLAY THE GAME instead of watching this? It would be so much better if, at the movie theater, they just had a guy playing Resident Evil, doesn't matter which one, and they just projected the image on the screen for two hours then you leave. THAT would have been better."

"You know the same fucker that made Mortal Kombat made this thing? You would think he would LEARN."


Super Mario Brothers (1993)

[Before the movie] "Tim, are you excited? This is supposed to be cool! Just like the game! [...] Two popcorns please... yes we're both Nintendo Fans! Do you have like a special cup or something? [...] I wonder how they are going to have the Koopas!"

[During the movie] "..."

[After the movie] "What the FUCK was that? WHAT WAS THAT?? Did we just PAY to see that? Oh my God. Tim, I'm so sorry I drug you out to this thing. I'm sorry."


And yet, we see them every year. That's how they get us. They know that deep within our consumer muscle tissue there is a natural enzyme that must be replenished by constant flashbacks and references to games we love. We all seek that one big cutscene at the end of the game that explains everything, and Grandma is no different. The movies tease us with promises of easter eggs and obscure game-movie crossovers that only the true fans will enjoy. Then the studios, for one reason or another, walk smiling up to our open mouths as we close our eyes awaiting the sweet taste of the communion provided by hidden code and closure, only to open them moments too late as they piss down our throats screaming "HEY FANBOY CONSUMER!! THANKS FOR THE $7.50, BITCH!!"

Grandma HOPES David Jaffe is going to be a part of making the God of War movie. She HOPES American McGee's: Alice isn't going to be ruined by Sarah Michelle Gellar. She HOPES Bungie is intimately involved with the Halo movie. Silent Hill, Rainbow Six, and Splinter Cell; favorites all, are just awaiting to be raped by the movie industry. In the end, however, it is Grandma who suffers most.

All she has left is HOPE.

And $7.50.

We'll tell you what we think of Doom when we get back.

15 Comments:

  • At 2:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    That's fucking awesome, man.

    I hear you, though. It pains me to say it but I watched pretty much every movie based off a game.

    I'm a masochist.


    You're on CollegeHumor.com, by the way

     
  • At 2:34 PM, Anonymous Blue said…

    ::pat on shoulder:: Godspeed, brave one. We can only hope for something that doesn't make our eyes bleed. Because eye bleeding = no good at ALL.

    Also, I really hope you never saw Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, because I was made to see it and I never even liked the MK games. I was weeping blood for weeks. Bleah.

    Take care, be well, GAME ON!

    -A!

     
  • At 3:31 PM, Blogger HandOverFist said…

    Doom...gosh, well I saw it last night and I'm afraid to say that I actually enjoyed it. It was really a guilty pleasure for me. I didn't go in with high expectations but I honestly enjoyed Doom. A lot of aspects stayed true to Doom 3, monster wise and even story wise in some aspects. It does take place on Mars, the facility is a spitting image of the one in game, the UAC heads the operations, the monsters they did use were exactly like the ones in the game though they only used about three different kinds. It isn't an emmy award winner and the story line doesn't bear the deepest roots in literature but it was fun, entertaining, and scary. The way they integrated the first person shooter shots into the movie was interesting also. To my surprise I would reccomend it if you wanna see some crazy killing Doom style.

     
  • At 4:07 PM, Blogger CtrlAltDelete said…

    anon-

    Collegehumor! ROCK! Hey if your new folks to oghc, check out the videos on the right sidebar of the main page, especially videos 8 and 9 to get the idea of what we do here :)

    Blue-

    I confess. I DID see that movie. There was much eye bleeding indeed. TOO much in fact. A little I can handle, simply for the sake of building a tolerance.

    handoverfist-

    That's good to hear. I dug Doom 3. The cats over at id know their shit, I think. Well, I'll let you know how Grandma takes it tomorrow.

     
  • At 5:15 PM, Anonymous rpm said…

    Hey, Alone in the Dark was a good game :-P

    The first one anyway. Never mind that "new nightmare" crap. I'd like to see them do the original Alone in the Dark and do it well (Peter Jackson?)

     
  • At 6:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dude.

    Your Grandma Rocks.

    That's all I got :)

     
  • At 8:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    And the number one reason video game movies suck?

    Uwe Boll


    -G

     
  • At 9:43 AM, Blogger elgato said…

    Games into movies, movies into games, comic books made into both and then Sonic The Hedgehog runs out of a happy meal box. its Madness, pure madness I tell you And Grandma still rocks!

     
  • At 11:06 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Out of that list, I've only seen part of Super Mario Bros., and yeah it sucked. TV shows based on games seem to fare better-- I liked the Sonic ones when I was younger.

    Good luck with Doom-- I love the games, but I hear the movie isn't too good.

     
  • At 2:01 PM, Blogger Aurora said…

    Video game movies usually DO suck, so I have to agree with you all there. But, I have to sheepishly admit that I enjoyed the Tomb Raider films. Maybe because it was nice to see Angelina Jolie bring Lara to life, maybe it was my love of the video games themselves, or maybe it was just nice to see a heroine that didn't flash her boobs and shake her ass to get things done. I easily kicked in my "suspension of disbelief" filter and enjoyed both films thoroughly. I do realize I'm in the minority on that one...

    And, hey, don't diss Tron! That film was a major event in my childhood and I watch the special edition DVD on my laptop more than I'd like to admit... ;)

     
  • At 4:29 PM, Blogger Collin said…

    Speaking of Uwe Boll, I was just informed that he has signed on to do a movie version of the game "Postal". Filming is scheduled to begin in 2006 with the release in 2007, coinciding with the 10th anniversary of the game's debut.

    Say it with me now, "Oh goody."

     
  • At 4:34 PM, Blogger Collin said…

    Oh, and did you know there was a Parasite Eve movie? I've never seen it, although at Amazon they say it's based on the book that inspired the game. I'm just letting you know it's out there since Grandma really liked the game.

     
  • At 3:24 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I think it's fair to say Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children is the best video game movie there is. And even that is flawed (depending on who you talk to).

    I don't really know why it's so hard to make a good video game movie. I'm sure it's possible.

     
  • At 4:52 PM, Blogger Mr. Priapus said…

    She HOPES American McGee's: Alice isn't going to be ruined by Sarah Michelle Gellar.

    Did I read that right? FUCK! Say it ain't so!

     
  • At 3:27 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

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