Grandma Is Quite Displeased With Sid Meier's Pirates
Her gender confused pirate name was "Mr. Barb," although I'm sure she was going for the terror found at the business end of fish hooks in a swarthy sort of drinking moniker and not the obvious "Barbara St. Hilaire, The Pirate." I really had hoped she would like this one, being a recovering Meier addict myself looking for the next sweet hit of strategy laced methadone. It wasn't meant to be.
I asked her specifically what she didn't like about it.
Me- "What specifically didn't you like about it?"
She said she didn't know.
Grandma - "I don't know."
I wish I could have been there when she played it. It took a bit more nerve massaging to finally get the truth out of her.
Me- "You know, I hear the Pirates game is pretty good, I don't know what your problem was. You must hate Sid Meier; that's what it is. If you hate Sid, you hate America. What do you have against our troops?"
Grandma- ".......I couldn't get the fucking ship to go straight!!!!"
Me- "....that's it? That's why you hated the game?"
Grandma- "I got stuck on some stupid fucking Island, then I didn't have enough food so there was a mutiny; I tried to raid another ship but the crew were a bunch of assholes who wouldn't do what I wanted them to!! It was fucking stupid!"
Me- "Maybe you just didn't get it."
Grandma- "Oh, I got it. You're a pirate. You do pirate stuff. It was stupid, Tim. STUPID."
Grandma- "Let's go rent something."
So I think in the end it all came down to Grandma's seamanship rather than the game's weaknesses. Mr. Barb's story is a short and sad one, but will forever be known in the pubs of the Caribbean as "that weird guy who kept running into shit with his ship." I tip my glass to you, Mr. Barb. May you rest in peace.