Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Grandma Gets The Suffering: Ties That Bind, Battles Giant Lizard

Grandma told me she received a suspicious package in the mail yesterday, a package containing the gift of "Suffering." Seeing how successful Surreal and Midway are doing with the franchise; I mean- MTV just acquired the rights to transform the beast into a movie- this was a pretty cool thing to do for Grandma. Thanks guys! I'll have more on this news when I get back to Aurora tonight; it seems that Grandma is up to her eyeballs in new games for about a month, and I want to be there for the show.

On a stranger note, someone in our neighborhood decided the best place for a five foot long, vegetarian, sub-tropical reptile would be on the fence in our backyard. The neighborhood kids told us they found an iguana, and I figured they found a salamander or a newt and just got confused. No. It was a god damn iguana, and the thing looks at least 5 years old because it's HUGE. I got the raptor-like animal into a big 55 gallon aquarium which barely held it. Grandma and the kids put in some lettuce and Mom and I got out the heat rocks and lamps (oh yeah, dude- we're ALL about the herpetology) and asked around the development to see if anyone left their windows open and let their guard dragon escape from its post.

Our worst fears were realized, however, when some kids pointed out the house from which we had just received a "nope; no iguanas here..." did in fact own the gentle monster. They just left it out because it got too big, I suppose.


Grandma wrestled the feisty thing on to her arm and took it to a local pet store that was happy to help out. With all of us circled around the battle of Grandma and Godzilla with our boxing-conditioned bobs and weaves just in case it made a move for our faces like a bunch of pussies; in retrospect could have used a camera. The kids were afraid to come near it, and rightly so; for it was bigger than them. I have no excuses for the rest of us.

Little bastard scratched the SHIT out of us.

So if you notice any symptoms of salmonella poisoning manifesting themselves in my posts, call for help; although- except for spelling I'm not sure how you could.

--More posts coming tonight! More videos soon! Thanks folks!--


  • At 1:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    geeze-that sounds crazy!! some people are just shitty like that. they don't care if the poor animal has to fend for itself! Good people like you is what the world could use a little more of.

  • At 2:24 PM, Blogger SweetHatred said…

    Sorry such slacking in response to your question. They play music such as Siouxsie & The Banshees, Franz Ferdinand, Thrill Kill Kult, Junior Senior, Pet Shop Boys, Le Tigre, The Cure, NIN, just about anything that would fit in with that stuff he will play. It's a college bar, but without the hoochies or fratties. Lots of people dancing, lots of people watching. All kinds of people. Pool table, fooseball, and even some old school video games. Def our favorite place to go.

  • At 8:40 PM, Anonymous Blue said…

    Ugh - humans can be such shits sometimes. However, they can also be awesome - as evidenced by you and Grandma, of course ::smile:: I'm glad Big Mr. Iguanadragon has a safe place to stay now - very good calls on the heat rocks/lamps and lettuce. ::applauds:: I say you should maybe give Animal Control a call on the offenders... if they're that casual about just tossing a pet outside, chances are they've done it before - and they'll do it again - and the pets still there might not be in the best of shape (then again, I used to watch Animal Precinct all the time, and in addition to being paranoid about such things, I am a vengeful, VENGEFUL little ninja about asshats mistreating animals for no reason).

    Anyhow! Woo, saved iguana, and woo, The Suffering! Sounds like a busy day - time for GAMES, methinks ::grin:: Be good, and GAME ON!


  • At 8:48 PM, Blogger CtrlAltDelete said…

    Blue- you're right; I'm definitely thinking about reporting them; but I don't know if we have more proof that it was those fuckers other than the words of their children (for all I know they just want to get back at their parents for not letting them step up to watch the O.C. or some shit.)

    I'm just glad we had a happy ending on this one. Ohio just got cold really fast, it would have died out there last night.


    Blossom is having some decent concerts coming up around here, so a trip to Akron once and a while won't kill me I suppose. I'll have to check it out! I'll send one your way too: In Cleveland Heights, not too far from me, is a jazz club/bar/restaurant called Night Town- and it's fucking awesome. Other than that Little Italy has Lou's Tavern, but that's more of a local thing for the neighborhood after all the Italian Restaurants close down and people need to get... well, drunk. Nice place though.

  • At 10:36 PM, Anonymous Mookers182 said…

    ugh. how absolutely stupid of those people to leave the animal out like that. there was no way that iguana could have survived more than a few days outside of it's controlled environment. someone should hit it's previous owners with a stick, preferably a large one with lots of splinters. i'm glad you guys got it to someone that seems like they'll actually care for the poor thing.

    /rant ^_^

  • At 3:18 AM, Anonymous Anne Packrat said…

    I do hereby request Grandma with iguana pictures.

  • At 8:58 PM, Anonymous MonsterBeatsStudio said…

  • At 3:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    geeze-that appears
    cheap D3 itemsoutrageous!! a number of people are only shitty like this. they don't proper care in the event the poor pet should look after itself! Good individuals like you is exactly what the planetGW2 items are able to use somewhat more regarding.


Post a Comment

<< Home