Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Monday, June 20, 2005

Grandma Destroyed Resident Evil 4

Grandma became audibly angered at this GameCube gem enough to curse the Nintendo name forever. It wasn't because she didn't like it- she did; but the sound of a chainsaw wielding madman screaming some unpleasantness in Spanish is quickly followed in our house by the cries of Grandma bellowing back an equally powerful rebel yell as though the two screams would somehow negate one another, thus saving Leon enough time to dodge the attack- but alas- decapitation came frequently.

The problem with RE4, at least for us, is there is this stupid chick who you have to 'protect' from the zombie like 'European Religo-Fundies' (as she likes to call them) who keeps finding herself being schleped off to the nearest viable exit by a bad guy. Now this isn't nearly as hard as, say- protecting the princess in Ico, but like Ico- the game has a new quality that brings a unique sort of screaming in the house. The following are actual quotes my Grandma used while playing Resident Evil 4:

"NO! Stupid Bitch!"

"Fucking Bitch, get out of the way when I'm shooting!"

"Fuck! FUCK!!!! Why can't I just give her the fucking ...TMP so we can get by these assholes while she just stands there!"

"[mimicking the cries of Ashley in a high pitched crazy-voice] LEEOON! HEELLP! I'M A STUPID BITCH AND GOT CAUGHT AGAIN!!!"

"Motherfucking whore won't duck when I shoot!"

Now Grandma doesn't have Tourett's Syndrome anymore than she thinks Ashley is actually a whore, but she was entitled to the aggression seeing as she's put so many hours into the game to get the Chicago Typewriter, a machine gun with infinite ammo. In order to get the weapon, you first have to get through a mini-game, Assignment Ada after the first completion of the game in normal mode. It took Grandma three days to get through the mini-game because of "pain-killers." (She's recovering from a knee replacement) I told her she was just losing her style.

Other parts of the game where geriatric vulgarity was rampant included any time you had to press a combination of buttons simultaneously to dodge an attack. According to Grandma, the character "Krauser" was a "fucker," and the giant like creatures were "cocksuckers."

To her credit, she did end up getting the Chicago Typewriter, The Handcannon, and the Infinite Launcher, all the while swearing that the authors of the strategy guide purchased at Circuit City were "liars" and "had probably played the Japanese version." The only thing I bested Grandma in RE4 were the "Target Practice" galleries, in which, she said- "I can't do shit."


  • At 4:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    This is unbelievably hilarious.

  • At 9:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Made my day.

  • At 7:29 PM, Blogger Tsurala said…

    That be some serious comedy.

  • At 12:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Granny curses like a sailor.....solid. p.a. screw flanders

  • At 11:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Grandmas shouldn't cuss... they should be wholesome and bake chocolate chip cookies!

    //without nuts!

  • At 3:29 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Can I have your granma? I would play with her seriously everyday and buy games for her just to see what she has to say about them! Love your granma :) Makes me wish mine were still alive :(

    Hehe, please continue to update this site! :)
    OH yeah, introduce her to PC games perhaps? World of Warcraft! :D Or... maybe not... :S

  • At 8:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    My grandmother cusses like a sailor, but for entirely different reasons (mainly, she's a bitch.) Your grandma sounds like a hoot!

  • At 1:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    i love you grandma!!

  • At 6:58 PM, Anonymous Piemaster said…

    Hmmmmm......well.....Snoogans. While i disagree about the oppions on the whole ashly thing i will admit she dies way too easily. You had best be nice to Fire Emblem: Path of radiance.


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