Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Grandma Caught In Horrific Moral Dilemna

I posted previously on Grandma's use of strategy guides and GameFAQs, but it has never been this serious. Grandma simply doesn't want to use a guide if she doesn't have to, so when a game requires it, she very logically becomes furious at said game. Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem has a Rune system for it's magic. One must place the correct runes in order on a circle to form spells; the circles ranging from three to seven (that we know of so far) slots.

Does anyone else remember Materia? It was easy! It seemed crazy at first, but as the game went on it became clear. The rune system also looks simple enough, but Grandma has a problem with ...asking for help on stupid shit, I suppose would be the best way to say it.

Grandma - "Okay, Dispel... Man' Gotheik, how the hell do you pronounce that.. fuck it- just say 'Self,' ...alright... ...Power... It's not doing SHIT."
Me - "They have a list on GameFAQs about Rune magic I could print..."
Grandma - "NO! Fuck that! This shouldn't be that hard to figure out; there's only like ...seven of these things anyway."
Me - "Alright...."

[10 minutes later]

Grandma - "Self... ...Power....Area...Power...Creature? FUCK NO!"
Me - "You want me to-"
Grandma - "NO."

[10 minutes later]

Grandma - "There can only be so many possibilities to this fucking thing, why am I not GETTING it??"
Me - "If you look on the spell parchments you can see the symbols in that spell that are needed for the larger ones..."
Grandma - "You're talking out your ass, aren't you?"
Me - "No, I just read it on GameFAQs.."
Grandma - "......fine, print the fucking thing."

And once again she is resigned to the printed page for assistance. For some reason she doesn't revel in her new powers, she only becomes more ...Grandma-like.

Grandma - "Alright, this is why I couldn't do it- because you need FOUR FUCKING POWER RUNES!!"
Me [indeed talking out my ass] - "Four you say?"
Grandma - "FOUR! In a ROW! That's not fair, it shouldn't be so ...weird!"
Me - "So you hate Eternal Darkness then?"
Grandma - "No, it's pretty good, but I don't see what's so scary about it."
Me - "Well, you do have the sound turned off."
Grandma - "I need to hear the mail-man when he comes."

Thus you see our Wednesday.


  • At 12:24 PM, Blogger Elyscape said…

    In addition to the hilarity of the post itself, I find it amusing that the filename for this post is "grandma-caugh-in-horrific-moral.html". The moral... it's just horrific!

  • At 12:42 PM, Blogger HandOverFist said…

    I love that game but I have to say the most frustrating part of that damn game is the World War II part...mmm brace yourself if she hasn't played that part yet Tim...brace yourself...

  • At 1:13 PM, Anonymous citizenmuse said…

    Wow... listening for the mailman, that's rich haha. I suppose, Tim, that your young ears aren't attuned to the stealth-like movements of your local post office representative, so she's got it covered when the TV's muted. I love it...


  • At 1:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    A moral dilemna indeed. I think I would take the Solomon approach, cut the guide in half and give a half to her, this way she's only getting a clue, and not the whole thing. Or maybe she'll just get more frustrated and rip out your eyeballs trying to get the other half. Do you like your eyeballs?

  • At 6:50 PM, Blogger CtrlAltDelete said…

    Blogger's system of naming the posts have created some tricky situations in this blog. Especially when someone submits them to a link site. Oh I gots stories :)

    That's where she is now. All i've heard is explosions for the past hour or so. Explosions and Grandma. Grandma and Explosions. Somehow it takes the seriousness away from the history of the war.

    Dude, she doesn't just hear the postal service come by, she feels the vibrations in the ground from their mailtruck like some wisened tracker searching for a heard of buffalo. We usually just get bills, gaming mags and recipe books, though.

    THAT would annoy the piss out of her, although it's a clever idea! Maybe I could just set fire to one end of the page so she has to read it very quickly. But then she would punch me, and this would be a WHOLE different sort of website.

  • At 10:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Eternal Darkness is not like any other game I have ever played. The scariest part has no sound at all.

    I had forgotten about the rune stuff. It was a very dark and often frustrating game but, ultimately, very satisfying. It was one of the first games I ever played. I am sure that OG is more than equal to the task.

    Mama Lombax

  • At 12:03 AM, Blogger Casey said…

    'Grandma - "No, it's pretty good, but I don't see what's so scary about it."'

    Of course not. The game is probably scared of her!

  • At 10:06 AM, Anonymous Stephanie said…

    mailmen are ninjas. People don't know ths, but they are.

  • At 12:56 PM, Anonymous Troels said…


    Open in Internet explorer.

  • At 4:15 PM, Blogger Collin said…

    Probably for me, the scariest part of the game was around 6-7 hours in an insanity effect kicked in and the screan freaked out, went black and then told me that my saved game was damaged.

  • At 6:38 AM, Blogger Brinstar said…

    No, Grandma! Not an FAQ!

    Turn the sound back on. It's much better. :-D

  • At 6:13 AM, Anonymous Tai Chi uniform said…

  • At 3:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Likely for me,Diablo III items the actual most gruesome part of the online game seemed to be all around 6-7 hours in the madness result kicked with and the screan flipped away, went dark-colored Diablo 3 Gold kaufenthen told me that the rescued online game was broken.

  • At 11:47 PM, Blogger endy smith said…

    i think all f-words should be avoided in public blogs. paperwriting-services.com can show how to use such words instead of f-ones to impress your readers.


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