Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Bondage Has A Friend Named Rehabilitative Therapy

For new readers of OGHC- Our Gamer Grandma had her second knee replacement surgery back in March because her doctor decided she should be crippled and walk with a cane for half a year because canes are fun!

Okay, moving on...

Knee replacements are a tricky business. Before the surgery, Grandma would go bowling with us and have a blast. Let's face it, bowling is the only sport where it's encouraged to drink beer and smoke- so it ranks up there on our list. Now; she screams out in pain when she rolls the wrong way in bed. If the painful exercises done at therapy don't do the trick and get the knee to bend at a certain percentage; she has to go back in and "have the knee manipulated." This is a procedure so painful, they have to put her under general anesthesia.

Here's what they do:

They take her extremely tender, swollen and inflamed knee and they open it up; scrape off any scar tissue that may have built up; and then they bend it back and forth until it's all loose and dangly. Then they wake her up; wheel her out to the car and say "now you need to be in therapy everyday for the next two weeks or this pain is worth nothing. Goodbye!" Grandma, hopped up on morphine, hears this as "have a nice day now! Hope to see you in therapy!" Me, driving her getaway car, hopped up on caffeine and nicotine hears this as "it's your goddamn fault we had to do this because YOU are not trying hard enough in therapy- you lazy video game playing old bitch!" We drive away, Grandma gets home, starts playing some GTA or something and says: "well, I guess they scheduled my first therapy session for tomorrow at 2:00pm, can you drive me?" I say "sure! Why would that be a problem?"

And then the fun begins.

She gets therapy in Aurora; about 30 minutes from downtown Cleveland and not too far away from our house. I drop her off at the front door; park the car, and then follow her in. She smiles at the receptionist, goes into the back that, from the waiting area, looks like some high school weightroom, full of various devices to build up muscles. I wait; catching up on some Good Housekeeping and Chiropractic Monthly or some such bullshit (you know they believe MAGNETS will cure cancer?) And I hear Grandma scream; not yell or whimper; but SCREAM out in pain. I go back there (it's not like it's a doctor's office or anything, what are they going to say to me, "please wait while we beat up your Grandma"?) And there is some chick bending Grandma's very painful leg all the way back to her ass saying "Just hold it for a minute; come on, stop crying, you're stronger than this... lots of other people don't seem to have this problem...."

Oh it's on.

You think Grandma swears playing Conker? (see videos on right-->) Oh she swore all right, much to the chagrin of the very sheltered she-demon breaking Grandma in half at the moment. "MotherFUCKER!!! I'M TIRED OF THIS SHIT!!! I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING YOU PEOPLE HAVE TOLD ME! I do all the fucking EXERCISES!! I go to every fucking THERAPY SESSION!! NOTHING IS HELPING!!!! WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSE TO DO??"
...so I'm thinking "You know, she's sorta right there."
All this lady can respond with is "I'm sorry, it's NOT us. YOU decided to have knee replacement surgery. YOU knew the consequences. Two more weeks and you'll be FINE."

The best part? This particular case happened two months ago. She's still going. Now the "doctor" says she will have to have the knee "manipulated" ...again.

Grandma responds only how Grandma can. She goes home, turns on the PS2, starts a game, R2, R2, L1, R2, Left, Down, Right, Up, Left, Down, Right, Up.... Sniper rifle.....

"...Motherfucking KNEE [bang!] REPLACEMENT!!"
"...Tell me I NEED [bang!] to get surgery..."
"...Tell me to my FACE [bang!] that it will make EVERYTHING [bang!, wanted level 3] better..."
"...cocksucking ASSHOLE [bang!, wanted level 4, switch weapon to rocket launhcer]...."
"...I didn't need a goddamn thing...[booom!, helicopter explodes, wanted level flashing, tanks deployed]...."

It's good to have an outlet sometimes I guess...

--More on the way!! We likes the comments; we loves the e-mails; it's all good...--

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Friday, July 29, 2005

Grandma Has Destroyed Conker: Live and Reloaded

This game was a lot of fun, or as Grandma put it "Crash Bandicoot with drinking!" Given it's XBox Live capabilities, it's surely a keeper. The voices were well done; although there was a whole lot of dirty words- and Grandma just hates motherfucking dirty ass words damn. The only thing she really struggled with was the combat; or- lack thereof.

When she started shooting things; she was spot on- but running up to something, hitting it with a club and hoping its counter attack doesn't take off two bars of chocolate plants a little buzzer in the back of Grandma's neck that makes her yell once and a while for no reason at all.

She made me proud, though. She got the scene-by scene parodies of Saving Private Ryan; The Matrix (the good one, not the shitty other two); Aliens; Star Wars; A Clockwork Orange (my personal favorite) and just a hint of The Godfather to make it one of those games you watch and wonder "where have I seen this before?" She didn't just laugh because the cutscenes were funny; she got them. For example: at the end one must battle a grown up xenomorph, or "Alien" if you will. A yellow suit appears during the cutscene- Grandma immediately quips without any help from James Cameron "Oh! Sigourney Weaver kills the queen with the LOADING SUIT! I should get that!!!"

After it was all over; she made me dig up our trusty old VHS copy of Aliens to watch some little girl kidnappin', Bill Paxton killin', Mad About You hatin', Bishop impalin' motherfucking ALIENS get the smackdown by the Ghostbustin' Weaver herself. It's funny what you get out of a game sometimes.

--More updates on the way!! Coming up.... Finding A Web Hosting Service That Doesn't Think I'm Into Granny Porn.... The horrors of therapy..... Video #7.... Yes, Grandma Plays Bingo..... etc.,.... Keep e-mailing stuff! Keep commenting! We love you crazy people!--

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It Was Bound To Happen...

Okay, OGHC readers, I'm going to have to jump ship from CWRU's web hosting here in a couple weeks, so.... all I need is somewhere to put the videos. I understand it's going to take a tiny bit of money to do that, and I'm willing to mooch off my family as much as it takes.

Here's what I need from you kind folks:

1. Research. Do you know someone who uses a company to host videos (downloading not streaming) and they peak around 11,000 pageloads (a day) and still don't live in a cardboard box? Cool! Let me know a good company so I can compare rates.

...actually, that's all I need. It looks more official to be in a numerical list form. I'm not going to ask for donations or put up "FREE IPOD WITH PURCHASE OF SOUL!!" flash ads on the site if we don't have to; I just need a good company to host the videos.

--More updates on the way tonight!!--

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Thursday, July 28, 2005

Video #6: Fuckin' A!

This next video utilizes Grandma's favorite word; so.... ...Rated "R?"

Here ya go!

[WMV; 01:45; 5.27mb]

--Sorry for the short post, more to come soon! Keep commenting and e-mailing and such!!--

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Grandma's Games; The Museum Has Strict Guards

As I mentioned before; there are three children living in our house. They are all gamers; as most kids with an allowable income tend to be. They don't have many games of their own; most are now or have been Grandma's games.

Grandma sat down with Bobby last night and gave him a speech most would expect from a father talking to his rebel teenager about "taking the car." She let him know that if a piece of dust; if one scratch; if a fingerprint raised with the use of dusting-spray and a blacklight would be found later on her GameCube copy of Prince of Persia; he would die a most horrific death.

Grandma destroyed Prince of Persia, yes. After she got the second sword; she picked up on the combat easier and, while becoming frustrated in parts; still loved the game. She's going to start Warrior Within after she's done with Conker, although she still wants to explore the multiplayer functions of games she's kept (MechAssault; Halo 2; Conker; Crimson Skies; Doom 3; Brothers in Arms; Splinter Cell CT; etc.,. etc.,...) Grandma might be going Live, everybody!

Even though she's played the thing well to death- this version is sort of special. She started with a rented XBox version that had scratches, so the cut scenes were sort of choppy; but then after the site kicked up she got the GameCube version as a gift [Thanks UbiSoft! Thanks FragDolls!] She started her game all over again (she really wasn't that far into it) and thought the Nintendo version rocked as well. But then she was done, then she watched the last credit roll past the screen; she very carefully turned off of the GameCube, softly pressed the "Open" button; and used her hands like tweezers to carefully remove the specimen and place it back in it's natural habitat. This was not a game to be sent to the buy back section of GameStop or EB; this was to be put deep in her catacombs, never to return unless comparisons to Prince of Persia 3 were later to be made; or possibly under a glass case.

Then Bobby walks in to the room after this solemn ritual: "Hey... Grandma... um, I was wondering... Since your done with Prince of Persia; and you said it was really cool; and Tim finished already; um... I was wondering if I could play it in the GameCube in my room? ...Please?"

Usually Ursula the Octopus Witch of the Deep rises to incredible heights with fire in her eyes spewing "NO!!! NO, YOU LITTLE BASTARD!! YOU NEVER TAKE CARE OF GAMES!! I WILL NEVER FORGET WHAT YOU DID TO METROID PRIME YOU LITTLE SHIT!!"

But this time, Bobby did it right; and he's going to share the goodness that is The Sands of Time. Meanwhile, Barbie and Mom are addicted to Katamari Damacy (they're catching up) Grandma's playing Conker L&R; god knows what Kenny is playing in that dungeon of a room, and I'm on Warrior Within (XBox version) The sound coming from our house around 10:00 at night is not unlike a movie theater without a roof.

Life is good.

--More updates coming! Video #6.... The Horrors of Therapy.... Goddamn Quicktime Encoding Is A Bitch... etc.,.... Keep with the comments and the e-mails!--

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Wednesday, July 27, 2005


Don't let the last post scare you; I would say 95% of the e-mails Grandma and I get are positive. 2.5% is Flamemail and the other 2.5% says we both could have larger penises if only we tried. Hatemail is a funny aspect of the internet that begs to be exploited. I didn't post the e-mail addresses of those who sent us flak; that just wouldn't be civil, dude.

I finally updated the Videos List [on your right] and the music tracks section is coming shortly.

--Welcome Joystiq readers! Cruise the archives, watch the videos; and don't be shy with the comments and e-mails. We still aren't taking donations or putting up ads; so thank the good folks at Case Western Reserve University for hosting everything. Thanks everybody!--

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Hatemail Grab Bag #1

Hooray! Have you ever been to HELL? We were there the day before yesterday. Sending things to Earth....

#1: "Dear Tim and Grandma - You are fucking posers. Final Fantasy X was a new way of doing things. I'm sorry you posers couldn't see what they were trying to do. Anyone who likes Final Fantasy VII is a poser, and you proved it. Poser." Signed "=P"

Thanks for your letter! Grandma and I appreciate you visiting the site!

#2: "LIAR!! Everyone is buying into your bullshit but I know your just telling your grandma what to say. It's pretty fucking obvious. No one talks that way unless they play online, which you say she doesn't do very often. you fucking suck!!" Signed "Travis"

Thanks Travis! Travis is a nice name, I knew a Travis once. Grandma talks trash, but you probably won't hear her say "n00bs" or refer to a "camper" as anything other than one who shits in the woods. Thanks for the letter! You get a gold star!!

#3: "Don't you ever think that vulgarity is offensive to some people? Are you trying to be offensive? I think you should sit down with a pastor and really talk about God. i think you would find that what you're doing is wrong. [sic]" Signed "Jess"

Thanks Jess! Thanks you for your letter! We love e-mails! Can't get enough of em'!


Thanks for your letter! You know, we've thought about changing the name of the site after the fifteenth marriage proposal from "Dirty Old Man In The UK" (look I don't know if he's actually old or from the UK, it's just the guy's handle) But we're sort of locked into it now that we have videos and such. Thanks though!

#5: "I know a horrible secret about you. I know who you are, I know what you are, and I'm going to tell people. Fuck you." Signed "You know who, asshole"

Thanks for writing in! I don't have a police record, and I don't have any kids... well shit! You must know something I don't! I'm curious to find out my horrible secret! Yay!


Thanks for your letter! You know we get lots of e-mails about that, except usually they don't mention boobies and they aren't SO LOUD!! Nope! Not much money! When I get some more I'll buy a new camera, they aren't that expensive.

#7: "Tell your grandma her paintings are shitty. What's with the sombraro [sic]?" Signed "The Nate"

Thanks for your letter The Nate! Wow! You must be the one everybody's talking about! Cool! I think her paintings exhibit a standard above which is casually found in the self-imposed artist's room; her use of oil is bold- her highlights are passive and dull the atmosphere of the piece in an attempt to undersaturate the landscape to project sincere color. We got the sombrero at Chi Chi's!!

---Thanks for the letters everybody!! Keep the e-mails and comments coming! More updates coming tonight!---

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Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Video #5: Conker; A Timed Level

She's been at this thing for a few hours straight now. Just after therapy this morning she turned it on in a frustrating quest to find the $100 she missed somewhere in the game (which she needs to continue.) That covers a lot of ground. If you're not familiar with Conker's Bad Fur Day; there is a section in the game where you must get drunk and piss on a rock-creature to roll him to an appropriate area. From what Grandma was shouting, I assumed it was timed; and she loves time-sensitive speed portions of games about as she likes wasting her life on "stupid fucking water levels."

Here you go:

[WMV; 01:30; 3.38mb]


--We love to comments and e-mails! Coming soon; S&M Bondage has a friend name rehabilitative therapy; hate-mail grab bag #1; Video #6; etc.,...--

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Monday, July 25, 2005

Monday Night Grandma Blogging: Ask Grandma Hardcore #2

--Open Forum! Just post your questions in the comments section and Grandma will answer 'em.--

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Sunday, July 24, 2005

A Trip to Circuit City

There comes a time in each of our lives where we learn a lesson that cannot be taught in schools or 'on the streets.' We all must go through one day where we learn just how far our own stupidity goes. On that day, we learn humility; we learn we're not so different from everyone else. We're all fucking morons.

I think I've learned this lesson on quite a few different occasions, and somehow manage to forget. Well yesterday I recovered those memories. All because of Grandma's god damn room.

As you can see from this intricately detailed rendering that took hours to measure and interpret into AutoCAD, Grandma's room is sort of cramped. The angle between the chair and the television is pretty wicked, but we can't squeeze the chair in between the bed and the television.

Upon the suggestion of many, we tried to rearrange the furniture so that the chair would be at a better viewing angle. We drew up several possibilities, but understand that this is Grandma's Room, so she had a few directives. First- the windows by the television and the desk couldn't be blocked. Also, her collection of angel figurines would still have to be on display in an easy to get to spot. She would have to have enough room to do her exercises for her knee, as well as enough room to get to her clothes and get dressed.

I tried moving the bed to the side, moving all of her crap into another corner, and moving the television in front of the chair. Grandma's reaction: "It looks stupid."

I tried moving the television over, keeping the stereo aspect of the speakers, but moving the crap closer to the desk. Grandma's reaction: "I don't like it."

What about moving the desk over by the window... "The cable for the modem would look tacky."

What about moving some of her crap into the other room... "I like my books right where they are."

We debated what would work best for a few hours, and then I simply turned the tv on the stand to face her. "Hey! That's much better!"
"Will this work?"
"Wait, no? Why?"

"I'd have to turn it back to watch television, and I don't want to scratch the unit."

After hours of looking at the pros and cons of each option carefully, moving around some very heavy furniture to see what it would look like, we decided on the ultimate piece of furniture, designed not by the clever Amish, but instead by Circuit Fucking City.

There it is in all it's bilingual glory. We just plopped the non-color coordinated lazy-susan on top of the entertainment center, and now Katamari Damacy is Grandma's bitch.

If we would have got this in the first place, it would have saved a lot of trouble, pain, and the lives of several loved ones. What's done is done, however. Now we get better sound in the camera.

--More on the way! Coming up... Video #5...; S&M Bondage Has a Friend Named Rehabilitative Therapy...; Ask Grandma Hardcore #2.....; etc.,.... Keep with the e-mails!--

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Saturday, July 23, 2005

Video #4: Conker- Live and Reloaded

This video will serve to elaborate on an earlier post about just how much Grandma loves the humor in Conker: L&R. And god damn, she loves it. It's longer than Video #1; but smaller in size due to the magic of video compression tools. This would be the "Public Service Announcement" video of the bunch, and we got a few more coming to ya'.

One major element you are going to notice is the change in position of the camera, offering slightly better sound than before. There is a very long, very embarrassing story behind all this, and I'll post it later today because I have no shame left to protect.

Here you go, I made it all for you:

[WMV; 02:00; 5mb]

I'll add it to the Video Menu on the right later today for all you obsessive compulsives that demand that everything be in order; and I'll add track listings for the music as well; but right now- I'm tired; Grandma's still playing and probably will play well into the night; I just can't keep up. On a completely unrelated topic of interest- Extra-Dry Gin is fan-fucking-tastic stuff. Unless you're trying to edit video.

--Watch the Video! E-mail us! Leave us comments! Be Witty! You know the drill...--

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Friday, July 22, 2005

My Grandma, The Hypocrite

The web cam is picking up some good stuff for the next video. Conker has a quirk to it that adds a bit of guaranteed frustrated screaming; the game isn't exactly linear. Sometimes she just wanders around for ten minutes wondering "where the fuck do I go now?" She still enjoys Conker L&R, as evident in the statement "oh he's cute! You know I think I like all games with cute animals..."

Normally when a gamer makes a blanket statement like that, somebody is going to challenge it. And so I did. I knew the three horrifying words that would not only prove her wrong, but also make her skin crawl. If you feel uncomfortable reading about an old lady trembling in terror, you should stop reading now.

"Oh yeah?" I said, building up what she knew she had coming. "What about Ecco The Dolphin?"

She actually paused her game and looked at me. She knew what I said, but she asked anyway. "What did you say?"

"Ecco The Dolphin, Sega Genesis, early nineties- you know..."
"That doesn't count."
"Why not? Ecco was cute."
"...No. Ecco was not cute. Ecco was fucking annoying." I knew I hit a nerve. She gave me a look that said "that name is never again to be mentioned in this house," and continued on with Conker, trying to get back the joyous buzz I just killed.

Let me tell you a little about Grandma's love-hate relationship with Ecco. Usually, when Grandma hates a game, I mean truly despises it, she'll just take back the Rental, make a mental note of who made it, and consider out loud the possibility of sending them hate-mail. But not Ecco. She kept plugging away at the thing until her fingers hurt. Her quest for "finding air" in a level compares to a doctor knowingly trying to resuscitate the known rapist-murderer of a child. Our house was lit up during Grandma's Ecco phase by screams I had never heard before, and have never heard since. They weren't the fun "Die, Cocksucker!!" shouts like in Resident Evil; and they wern't the half laugh, half cries of "God dammit!! Please just get on the fucking ledge!!" from Aero the Acrobat and others. These screams were inhuman bellows not meant to be heard by anyone who has not participated in war.


It hurts to remember, but it is necessary so that we do not make the same mistake again.

--Coming up... Video #4: Conker Live and Reloaded... A Trip To Circuit City.... Etc.,. We feed on your comments and e-mails!! Keep them coming!--

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Thursday, July 21, 2005

Grandma Considers Purchase Of Squirrel; Hugging It Until Dead

Grandma is having a go at Conker: Live and Reloaded. Until we have system link capabilities, It's just Grandma playing the Conker's Bad Fur Day. Why oh why didn't you warn me about this game? I received a whole lot of e-mails from a whole lot of different people telling me "Grandma will love it!" and "It's just her type of humor!" To all who recommended this game to Grandma: I will haunt you until you die.

Here's why.

Picture yourself watching some wholesome legislative action on television, cruelly discovering that my copy of San Andreas will become a rarity soon, possibly compromising the future of all Rockstar games; with your significant other on the phone trying to find solace somewhere upon the recent death of a beloved Harry Potter character, for all is not right in the world. Now imagine a laugh, no- a cackle of such uninhibited strength it would not be unlike the amplified collective victory of all super villains played simultaneously on several hundred televisions. I thought someone was hurt.

I run in to the room just in time to hear this:


Grandma literally has tears streaming down her face. She absolutely loves this game.

Be prepared for some interesting video. You bastards.

--Keep with the e-mails and comments! More on the way...---

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Wednesday, July 20, 2005

News Article Prints Lies; Grandma Outraged

Alright, that title wasn't true at all. The article was great. MTV was very kind to Grandma. It focused on Grandma and of course Doris Self, The Q*Bert Queen. It was a fairly long piece, and offered a good chance to expand on some points a few of readers of OGHC had wanted to see ...expanded.

  1. Q. Grandma's Name: "0H K00L!!1! She iz teh realz! Barbara St. Hilaire is teh roxxor pwnage!!" A. Yes, her name was printed in the article, something we hesitated to do on the site; but there it is for your reading enjoyment and unpronouncability.
  2. Q. "Rocket Launcher with Unlimited Ammo? That was easy!! You guys suck!" A. By the time Grandma was done with Resident Evil 4; she had in her inventory the Chicago Typewriter; the Infinite Launcher; and a fully upgraded Handcannon.
  3. Q. "You played Luigi to her Mario? HA! You suck, Tim!" A. Yes.
  4. Q. "The ESA's figures in the article say your Grandma isn't alone in the elderly gaming market. You suck." A. Oh I know she isn't the only elderly gamer out there, in fact I am sure there are plenty of elderly gamers who rock just as hard as Grandma. This Grandma happens to be my favorite for obvious reasons.
  5. Q. "Doris Self has won records and is in the books; your Grandma hasn't beaten any records as far as I know. You suck." A. Doris Self is awesome. Not much else I can say there.
  6. Q. "The article says Grandma has Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. Gaming obviously did this, so she should stop gaming and go back to the flea market where she belongs. You suck." A. Grandma does have carpal tunnel syndrome but a few readers have suggested stretches and exercizes she can do to keep healthy. She's not going to stop gaming any time soon.
  7. Q. "The Article says Grandma wants an XBox 360; a PS3; and a trip to L.A. for E3. You are whoring your Grandma out for free shit. You suck." A. Grandma is a gamer. Gamers are looking forward to those systems (they left out she also wants a Nintendo Revolution) and she's going to get them; although she's probably not going to get them for free. I'm still not taking ad money or pay-pal or anything on this site, as has been stated in previous posts. This blog started out as a fun thing among friends, it just sort of exploded into this. Now if we can get the attention of the companies showcasing within E3, however, they might sponsor her to go; and that would be the greatest thing ever for her. If I got to tag along, cool! But this is about Grandma and giving the old girl the recognition she deserves for playing hard for 30 years. I repeat- if SHE gets to go to E3 next year, it would be the greatest thing ever for HER. Grandma knows how to rock a controller; she just wants to be among her peers.
--Thanks for the e-mails everyone! Keep them coming! Updates are on the way, including more videos!!--

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Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Grandma's Secret Stash: Part II

Continuing on with the Secret Stash feature, we come to The Squaresoft, Square Enix, Namco bunch, Including the most beloved game of all time. Don't let the titles scare you, she's not just into RPG's, not at all. Check out the videos on the menu to the right if you haven't yet and you'll see what I mean. Even if you're not the RPG type, an epic masterpiece is very refreshing after kicking some ass in Twisted Metal or Need for Speed, and believe me when I tell you, those asses were kicked many times over by our 69 year old hero.

Here we go...
Final Fantasy X-2
Brady Games / Dan Birlew

They knew what they were doing. They knew they had legions of FF fans out there that would buy anything with some cool artwork on the cover blessed with the Square stamp of goodness. And yet they did it anyway. You have to forgive them, though, they are the Square, The Alpha and the Omega if you will.

Most Grandma moment: "What the hell is this?? I have to change their 'outfits' for stuff?? [...] WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?"

Xenosaga Episode II
Brady Games / David Cassady / Laura Parkinson

Personally, if I want to watch anime, I go do it. This game has a whole lot of cut scenes full with dialogue. And that takes awhile before you get back to the gameplay. I didn't get in to either of these, but Grandma can't get ENOUGH. Every god damn month it was "When are they gonna come out with the second one? How long has it been now? I still got the first one on a memory card so I have stuff for the second...."

Most Grandma moment: see above paragraph.

Final Fantasy X
Brady Games / Dan Birlew

I remember Grandma and I calling the game store because we thought there would be a rush for this game. We were so excited they made FF for PS2, because if you look at all the rest of the series, more disks = more gameplay, and that's what she likes. This was on a motherfucking DVD, it had a whole shitload of space to work with, so I expected her to play this until the day Tom Cruise saves us from the aliens. She was done in less than a month, and it only took her that long because she was working at the same time.

Most Grandma moment: "Can you mute the voices on this? He sounds so fucking whiney."

Final Fantasy IX
Brady Games / Dan Birlew

The easiest of all the Final Fantasy Series; dude's got a tail. What more can be said other than we actually liked Spirit Within when it came out after this, even though the whole movie was about god damn Ultima.

Most Grandma moment: "I wish I had to ...you know, level up or something to kill the bosses... what's the point?"

Final Fantasy Chronicles: FFIV / ChronoTrigger
Brady Games Dan Birlew

I wasn't actually there when Grandma played these, I was "off at college" or some such thing. I know she played them both because she was impressed enough to keep the set.

Most Grandma moment: "Man..... ....this takes me back.

Final Fantasy VIII
Brady Games / David Cassady

I remember Grandma and I getting a demo disk that included the trailer for this "up-and-coming" game. It just blew us away. The introduction cut scene with the ocean, and the flowers and the Gunblade and the guy..... holy shit, that was good. This game did not disappoint, Grandma definitely got into this one; enough to spend hours at a time on that Island "closest to hell" or whatever just maxing out characters she knew she wasn't even going to need for the final fight.

Most Grandma moment: "It's A DINOSAUR!! How do you beat THE DINOSAUR?? SHIT!!!! .....oh that was easy. You freeze him. [twelve hours later] THE DRAGON!!! HOW DO YOU BEAT THE DRAGON?????"

Final Fantasy VII
Brady Games / David Cassady

This is Grandma's beaten up, dog-eared, slightly chewed copy of the FF7 Guide. It might as well be Dr. Jones leather bound, handwritten diary accounting the location of the Holy Grail. That location? Midgar, dude. Midgar.

Most Grandma moment: The day Aeris (or Aerith if you like) died, Grandma had to have a moment to herself. I had not gotten that far yet on my save and she wouldn't tell me what was wrong. Oh, I found out all right.

And to answer a question posed on Ask Grandma Hardcore that didn't get answered yet, her favorite was Sephiroth. How's that for a cruel twist?

And that's it for Grandma's Secret Stash! If gaming was a touching yet deeply somber film, Grandma would be Morgan Freeman. If gaming was a sport (and it is to many people), Grandma would be LeBron Fucking James. A 69 year old cross-dressing James, of course; with a team that could actually back his ass up when he needs it. If gaming was like writing Romantic era prose, Grandma would be Samuel Taylor Coleridge. Why? 'Cause she doesn't take shit from anybody, including Wordsworth! Game on!

Keep sending the comments and e-mails; we love the e-mails, man! Don't be shy!

--More to come!!--

--Update: Be sure to look for Grandma mentioned on MTV Overdrive tonight after 9:00pm [EST] (She's on the MTV News Overnight Edition); MTV News interviewed Grandma and me for a segment, and I haven't seen the article or the bit so it might make us look like complete jackasses for all I know but go watch it, god dammit!

[Most of you know this all ready, but Firefox users (that includes me), to watch MTV Overdrive, you need to dust off Internet Explorer for a while. I know, I know.... it's okay. Microsoft made the XBox remember? Viacom brought us the Daily Show, right? They don't want to hurt you.]--

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Monday, July 18, 2005

Ask Grandma Hardcore!

It's Monday Night Grandma Blogging; and she's taking your questions. We took your hundreds of e-mails suggesting she get Conker: Live and Reloaded quite seriously, so I went out and bought the damn thing for her. You know what? You were right! She loves the furry little bastard! Post your questions in the comments section for Grandma and she'll pick a few choice ones to answer.

Game on!

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Grandma's Secret Stash: Part I

Earlier I posted about Grandma's load of strategy guides, and it's about time to go through them. A reminder; she only used strategy guides when she got stuck, when those couple of percentage points she had yet to reach beckened her to open pandora's box.

These bring back the memories, though. Every time the store clerk would ask "...and you want the strategy guide to go with it, right?" She would look down at her feet like she was about to betray a friend and mumble "....yeah, what the hell... fuck."

So let us begin....

Blood Omen: Legacy of Kain
Crystal Dynamics
Prima Publishing / Ian Osborne

Oh hell yeah. Grandma has played the entire series right from its early days; and this one ended up right in the middle, continuing all the way to Soul Reaver 2.

Most Grandma moment: "Suck his BLOOD!! Suck his BLOOOOD!!! [turns to me] I LOVE THIS!!"

Dark Cloud 2
Sony Entertainment

Prima Publishing / Gerald Guess

Grandma bought this game based on her love of the first Dark Cloud, and she wasn't disappointed. I remember it took her awhile to finish, but the longer games are her favorite anyway.

Most Grandma moment: [me] "You still playing that?"
[Grandma] "...yeah..."

[me] "....so, what are you doing?"
[Grandma] "...synthesizing...."

[me] ".....what's that?"
[Grandma] "...shut up...I'm playing this..."

Devil May Cry

Versus Books / Casey Loe

After Grandma put the smack down on the Giant Magma Spider (took her awhile at first), she made this game her bitch. She got every secret mission, she enjoyed the boss fights, she got really into it. She played this a lot, and went out and bought the next one as soon as it came out despite the reviews, and she loved it.

Most Grandma moment: "You stupid fucking CAT! Fucking DIE!!!" [and so it did]

Silent Hill
Konami Entertainment
Brady Publishing / David Cassady

Grandma bought Silent Hill on the PSX way back when because she loved Resident Evil, she loved horror games, and god dammit this was a horror game.

Most Grandma moment: "Why are there always.... FUCKING DOGS?! [Grandma has died] ....GOD DAMN!!"

Silent Hill 2
Konami Entertainment
Brady Publishing / Dan Birlew

Despite her frustration with our canine zombie brothers, she knew she couldn't go wrong with this one. It was SILENT HILL! Only this time, it was on that new-fangled Playstation 2 everyone was talking about...

Most Grandma moment: [upon seeing mannequin beast for the first time] "HA!! Look at that thing!! Those Legs are attacking me!! That's cool!"

Prima Playstation Game Secrets #3
Prima Publishing / Nick Roberts / Simon Hill / Ian Osborne

Grandma bought this book because she likes a bargain, and at the time, we had pretty much every game listed on the cover. Yes, Grandma played Die Hard Trilogy, Crash Bandicoot, Mortal Kombat, Wipeout XL.....

Most Grandma moment: "The Mortal Kombat movie sucked."
[me as a little boy] "but... but Scorpion!"
[Grandma] "They just copied his fatality, it wasn't even how I pictured it..."

Parasite Eve
Brady Games / David Cassady

When Grandma bought this game, she worshipped (as she still does) the very ground on which Squaresoft was birthed. Very naturally she adored this game, and tried to explain the intricacies of Mitochondria to me once. When she saw the Japanese movie of the same name, she sorrowfully muttered "It's just not the same without the Chrysler Building..."

Most Grandma moment: [me] "What are you doing?"
[Grandma] "Leveling up. I want to beat this guy..."
[me five hours later] "What are you doing?"
[Grandma] "Leveling up...."

Gex: Enter The Gecko
Crystal Dynamics
Dimension Publishing / David Jon Winding

Grandma got a kick out of this game. She laughed at all the jokes, she ate all the bugs, she got the innuendo. here's an excerpt from the guide: "Gex [...] is the best video game I have played and believe me, I've played them all..." Not bad for 1998.

Most Grandma moment: "I'm a STORM TROOPER!! That's great! ...HA!! I'm on fire!! BURN ASSHOLE!!!"

Resident Evil 4
Brady Games / Dan Birlew

Christ. What can be said about this. This brought her GameCube back to life after Zelda.

Anything else that could possibly said is said here.

--More to come!!--

--News: Grandma got a link from Austrian Radio Station FM4!! I streamed the audio and dude: Austria knows how to rock. They don't censor a god damn thing Trent Reznor says. Keep rocking Austria!

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Sunday, July 17, 2005

Grandma Hates Punk Ass Politics

A phrase used by some non-fiction storytellers to prepare the audience for a Shyamalan twist: "Dude, you can't make this shit up."

A couple days after Hillary decides not to go for Grandma's vote all over a cup of coffee, a car pulls into our driveway. Grandma's not home, she's at therapy. I have to deal with whatever subpoena or restraining order or newspaper salesmen myself, wearing a FragDolls t-shirt and tattered jeans. Shit. I open the door to find a man wearing a white shirt and tie holding a book with his mini-me child, also white shirt and tie holding a book ...and a pamphlet.

Let's be clear, I'm always very polite to Jehovha 's Witnesses, I let them come in, ask them if they'd like coffee, half-listen to what they have to say and half-listen to Cartoon Network. I never argue, I'm cordial, because you know what? People can believe what they want to believe, man. If it comforts you, if you believe it's true- then it's true to you. Rock on, it's not my business. I'm not going to be a dick and tell you you're wrong.

So the kid reads some scripture while our dogs are barking like the Poltergeist is about to jump out of the closet to get them and I thank him, kind of hoping that he wonders about the Tivo'd Powerpuff Girls kicking ass in the background on the way home. His father thanks me for letting him read to me, they give me a pamphlet and very politely go away.

When Grandma gets home I show her the pamphlet, you know- for fun; "Don't even give that shit to me, ...Tim, look at the cover; why would you give that to me?""Why? What's wrong with it? .......Oohhh."

Grandma goes on her merry way to play some GameCube and I actually take a closer look at the cover. That's when I realize the cover art actually depicts the exact kind of movie Grandma and I would go see. In fact, you make a movie like this, we'll see it twice if it's any good. Check this out:So what are we looking at here, we have a hot girl looking somewhat nervous but not at all terrified she's being chased through heavy traffic by helicopters; we have a briefcase with a little blinky light on it and what looks like a speaker- and check out the handcuffs!! I bet they cut the arm off of whoever they were intended. I hope so. The dude is the best, though- he has a GTA III sneer and a Reservoir Dogs look that makes me beg Tarantino to make it. I can imagine Grandma and me at the theater listening to the dialogue; "You want to fuck with me? I'll show you who you're fucking with!!" screaming out taunts and ridicule like we were at the Magic Johnson Theater (which actually is fun to go to, by the way).

I talked to her later about it. "What do you have against Jehovha's Witnesses?"
"Nothing," she said. "I just don't believe that violence in video games and movies has shit to do with anything."

Preach on, Grandma. A-fucking-men.

--More to come!!--

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Friday, July 15, 2005

Grandma Versus The Bargain Bin

Grandma goes through withdrawal when she's away from that used game barrel-o-classics section, man. Oh, the time-honored cliche "you know when I was a kid, we got one thing for Christmas- a winter coat! You spoiled little bastards..." is repeated often by the old girl. So now, if it's under twenty bucks and she wants it, she spits in the face of traditional hardiness and senior budgeting habits and buys:Medal of Honor: Frontline, and Medal of Honor: Rising Sun! I guess talking about her childhood makes her want to re-live World War II, only in the form of a physically adept middle aged man. Who am I to question that? The only thing to figure out now is which one of us is German, which one of us is Japanese, and which one of us will inevitably say: "...you know Grandpa trained with an M1 Garand back in the day..." to which the other will respond: "....shut up." I'll let you guess who says what.

Thank you bargain bin! Thank you.

--Update: Welcome Slashdot Readers!

When one's Grandma is posted on the world's greatest tech site, one hopes it's not because you posted her name and address somewhere under the headline "Cruel And Heartless Old Despot Swears Allegiance to Luddite Followers; Declares Sid Meier 'An Admirable Nemesis'"
Luckily that isn't the case here.

If it's your first time here, you should check out The First Post
Video 1 [WMV; 01:51; 6mb]

Video 2 [WMV; 0:45; 1.41mb]

Video 3 [WMV; 01:43; 4.54mb]

More updates on the way...--

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Thursday, July 14, 2005

Video #3: Prince of Persia [Grandma Gets Nasty]

She's playing like she used to, as though the camera wasn't there. This video truly portrays the meaning of "Old Grandma Hardcore," and what it takes to achieve that title. It's not all about the years of gaming, or the ownership of one of the few senior citizen discount ticket stubs to "South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut;" no- it's about the attitude. Enjoy.

[WMV; 01:43; 4.54mb]

(For added fun, turn up the volume as far as you can in your office, dorm room, bedroom, etc.,. It's the best way to get to know your R.A. or boss, based on their reaction to OGHC.)

--News: We are developing some regular features to the site, including a video archive including synopsis and track listing. (Many of you ask about the music, and I don't mind a bit- I love to promote these bands anyway I can, so here's an easier way to publish that information.) Also, we are looking for some web-comic artist talent out there to illustrate a few of the many stories we plan on posting (cause e'rybody likes pretty pictures)- so for all you artistic geniuses out there: submit a comic about Grandma playing a video game to my e-mail address:


Also coming soon is "Ask Grandma Hardcore," where people submit questions and she answers 'em. Not much to it, but many have requested it.

Grandma and I feel we just have to say: Hey, Ubisoft. That was fucking cool. Thanks for the kind words, we'll think of you guys whenever we play Splinter Cell (except when we kill each other, then we'll think of only one thing: revenge)

Did you know we made it on to MSNBC's Clicked? Yes you do, you probably found us from there. Liar. Thanks Will!

Thanks for the e-mails and comments everybody; I'll answer them all in time. -T

--Update: The Comments sections have been running a bit slow lately, if you want to add your feedback just e-mail me instead if you have trouble. [I got nervous there for a moment]--

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Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Grandma's Little "Habit"

There is a certain stigma that comes with being an elderly gamer. Those outside the gaming community sometimes see a 65 year old man playing flight simulators, or a pensioner hunting the neighborhood kids in a friendly deathmatch in the FPS of your choice, as eccentrics. No matter how lucid, how intelligent they may be, if they aren't playing chess or minesweeper, they are viewed to be reaching into a culture not designed for them. Nothing could be further from the truth. Marketing, now that's a different story, for another time maybe. Right now, I want to tell you about doctors.

Grandma loathes doctors.

Grandma hates doctors almost as much as she hates not being able to finish Fatal Frame.

Whenever she is honest when they inquire about her lifestyle (i.e., "So what do you do for fun? Gamble, smoke controlled substances, dismember transients, illegally download Madonna tunes, smoke controlled substances, eat red meat, what?") and she mentions gaming, they breathe the heavy sigh of a parent who discovers Little Billy doesn't know the birds from the bees and say... well, it usually goes like this:

Doctor Dipshit - "I hear your knee hurts a lot since the operation, and that you're an artist. So what else do you do besides painting?"

Grandma - "I play video games, mostly."

Doctor Dipshit - "You what?"

Grandma - "You know, PS2, XBox, GameCube, a little DS if I'm stuck somewhere..."

Doctor Dipshit - "What games do you play, exactly? Solitaire?"

Grandma - "Well, right now I'm playing Xenosaga II"

Doctor Dipshit - "And what is this.. Zebra Soccer Two, what kid of a game is it?"

Grandma - "It's a role playing game."

Doctor Dipshit - "Ah!"

Grandma - ".....yeah."

Doctor Dipshit - "So...... [long academic pause]....do you think that maybe this role playing game has made it so you cannot distinguish reality from fantasy? Are you playing a role right now? Does your Pokemon character's knee hurt? And perhaps maybe that's why your knee is hurting, that maybe it's all in your head?"

Grandma - "....."

Doctor Dipshit - "........"

Grandma - "How fucking stupid do you think I am?"

...Grandma's "habit" just happens to be gaming, but it's not hurting her. It keeps the old bag STRONG. What's going to make you more sharp, feeding the pigeons and doing word-search puzzles or mastering the Materia Junctioning concept? You decide.

--Coming soon: Grandma's Strategy Guide Collection Part I..., Video #3..., Thanks everybody! Keep on keepin' on with the e-mails and comments!--

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Video #2: Prince of Persia

Here's a short little video of Grandma playing in the dark this morning for everyone with dial-up connections and short attention spans:

[WMV; 0:45; 1.41mb]

Sorry for the short post today, long ones are being posted tonight. Grandma was at water therapy for her knee most of today, so tonight there shall be much gaming. Nothing cleanses the soul like rocking the controller for a seven hour marathon.

Coming up: Going through Grandma's strategy guides..., Doctor's Appointment..., etc.,.

--Thanks for all the shout-outs, comments and e-mails, guys; Grandma is getting a big kick out this. "I don't see what the big fucking deal is, it's just games!" --

It is quite surreal to see Grandma on sites I go to regularly (I'm looking at you Kotaku.com), on forums of games she loves where people talk about how they wish she was their grandmother, on New Zealand Ska Punk sites, Suicide Girls Members, WoW Members, NWN Members, car aficionado
sites... man I should stop now before I try to make too long a list and forget somebody; cause Grandma won't forget you guys. Rock on. -T

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Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Video #1: Prince of Persia Is Up.

Grandma was hurting quite a bit today, but that didn't stop her from her daily routine. Luckily, I found a cheap web cam to show you guys what Grandma is like. She was pretty lax at first, but you know Grandma... Our first video is rated PG-13. I'll keep updating videos with highlights of Grandma's unholy war in the name of Battle as a regular feature if you like.

[WMV; 01:51; 6mb (sorry!)]

Thanks for the comments and e-mails everyone!!

P.S., Watch till the end for some classic under-the-breath GrandmaSpeak.

Sidenote: When one is using a webcam with which one is not familiar, a less-than-Adobe-Premier trial download of some video editing software, and a Windows Media encoder program that takes a while to compile frames; one can do many things whilst making the video web-ready. For example: smoke six cigarettes, defrost some bread, make a sandwich, watch Tivo'd Daily Show; catch up on current events; bathe your dog; brush your dog's teeth, brush your teeth, all while waiting for the file to be ready. Who knew? Also, if anyone wants to mirror some videos let me know, or if you want to put the video somewhere, ...feel free! Enjoy... -Tim

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Grandma's Secret Stash

Grandma collects cookbooks. She has several drawers just full of cooking magazines and volumes of cullinary knowledge scribbled into thick, bound tomes that sit and collect dust. This is incredibly ironic seeing as we always have burgers, peirogies, sausage, pizza or tacos every week. She can, however kick out a badass desert without looking. The hunt was on for the perfect brownie...
While searching for said brownie recipe, I came across a drawer Grandma swore didn't exist:Grandma had a few pounds of strategy guides tucked away in her "cookbook bins."

Fuckin-A, man. Fucking A.

Now, knowing Grandma, that in itself isn't a big deal; I know she used strategy guides from time to time when stuck, but I assumed she would just trade them in with the games on her quarterly exodus to the gaming store of her choosing. Grandma was never a game packrat, she
had to trade in games she didn't play anymore so she could buy a copy of whatever her sights are set on. A few are left, FFVII, which she won't let anyone touch; Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker and Ocarina of Time, still with the sticky label from GameStop; but she moves on to the next thing when she gets bored. I didn't really expect to find this many strategy guides.
When I pointed them out to Grandma, she said cheerfully:
"Parasite Eve!! I loved that game! Is it the first one or the second one where you fight that god damned baby? I remember! That thing was a bitch to kill."

--Man, we're gonna have fun going through these... more later!!---

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Monday, July 11, 2005

Monday Night Grandma Blogging

"BITCH! How many of the assholes are there!!? ....Dammit!!"

After realizing the "visions" are sort of guides as to what you supposed to do, Grandma has started to get the hang of Prince of Persia, but she's got a way to go. More on this later...

Getting a nice mic tommorow, audio coming straight away.

---Open Forum: Question, what games would Grandma enjoy?---

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Sunday, July 10, 2005

Grandma Is Quite Angry With The Prince of Persia

Grandma has long wanted to try the Prince of Persia series after reading the reviews. She was really into Devil May Cry because killing people with swords is far superior than say, coldly sniping them from afar. Also, she enjoyed audibly congratulating herself for a good combo; for example she would whisper "Yeah, ...Stylish" in her best Issac Hayes impersonation; or scream wildly at the television "AWESOME, ASSHOLE!!" ...so I thought she'd probably really enjoy this game. Also, it's Ubisoft, so... yeah.

But there is no joy in Mudville, tonight; at least not until she gets the hang of this shit.

Here are some snippits from Grandma's delve into the world of shirtless Persian men with a taste for sandy blood:

"Where the hell do I go?"

"This game needs a fucking map."

[figures out that pressing left and right repeatedly while hugging a wall makes the Prince appear to dance] HAAAHHAHAHAHA!!!! Look at him!! Look at him DANCE!!!"

"Run up the wall!! Run up the goddamn wall!!"

"Shit. [Rewinds scene so the Prince doesn't die, proceeds to make the exact same mistake and dies anyway] SHIT!!!"

"Where the hell do I go?

[upon seeing a flythrough of the next room's obstacles] "Oh, you've got to be shitting me."


[The Prince has been killed by spikes] "Way to go, fucker."

[While walking through a castle] "Well the windows are pretty."

"Where the hell do I go, asshole??"

"SHIT!! There's no fucking way!"

"Pick me up a strategy guide tomorrow, I need a map."

"I hate this fucking game."

[The Prince falls to his death] God Damn!! This is hard!"

More to come tommorow...

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The Cat Is Out Of The Proverbial Bag

Well, Grandma knows about the blog. I was worried what she'd say. My instincts told me she would say something on the line of "You told people what I said? TAKE THAT SHIT OFF!!!" But I had to tell her before I posted pictures (the ethics of posting pictures of someone online when they don't know about it should be pretty clear: don't do it.) But she took it extremely well.

In fact, she laughed her ass off.

She doesn't know what the big deal is. As I type this now, she's in the first stages of Prince of Persia, so I'll write about that later, but imagine your grandma, controller in hand, beating the living shit out of sand-based demons saying in a sincere voice "You know, I like this camera angle better than in Devil May Cry..." That's why she's special.

She loves your comments!! Especially the ones that say "there is no way this is real...", and "you assholes fell for a hoax." She doesn't have any smack to say to these folks, she just laughed. Really god damn hard.

...and then went back to her game in the calm, tranquil way that could only be Grandma"...asshole won't run up the wall...."

So let's take a look at what you see here...

A: An annoying talking bird that repeats what you say. Thank God it's batteries died long ago. Imagine what it had said. Just imagine.

B: Painting Grandma did a while back. Pretty.

C: Prince of Persia displayed on a 34" Sharp television via the component input (nice colors). Nothing special, but at least she doesn't have to squint playing games.

D: The computer on which I am typing this entry displaying this entry... It's like fucking M.C. Escher, man.

E: Old school Sony surround sound amp; plenty of watts, never turned off, hotter than your microwave.

F: Gamecube. Inside is recently rented "Tak 2: The Staff of Dreams," on a little break after the poor system nearly died trying to keep up with her infamous Resident Evil 4 addicition.

G: Playstion 2. Her second PS2 after the first one died sometime after the hundreth hour of Final Fantasy X.

H: Second XBox controller after the first one died of an "accident."

I: The XBox; thought it was safe after Outlaw Golf 2 was completed, now on the new fix: "Prince of Persia."

J: That's the top of happy ol', jolly ol' grandma's head.

I'll try to get some audio soon, and the way she's playing this game I think it won't be long. Coming soon: "Grandma Destroys Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time!!!!"

Thanks for the comments and e-mails!!

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Saturday, July 09, 2005

O, The Childhood Memories

After talking with some family who discovered the site via Fazed (instant recognition, moments of "yeah, that's gotta be Mom...") I realized that Grandma's gaming cred goes way back before I was born. I knew she played an Atari 6400, but I assumed my first memories of her passion were angry controller spiking and fervent swearing with the likes of the Duck Hunt / Mario Brothers bundled pack with the original NES. Not so, it turns out. My mother and her siblings tell tales of Donkey Kong, Pac Man (and the subsequent feminist hit, "Ms. Pac Man") with Grandma having a similar attitude. She says: "Christ, I remember her swearing at Pong." I can remember the big antique arcade screens at bowling allys and bars, but even I didn't assume she sought after them. I suppose it fits her character.

In light of this new information, here are some memories of days gone by:

[in a mocking voice, trying to sound mentally ill] "Neeayh! The Princess is in another castle!!"

"Did you see that?! The fucking dog is laughing at me!! I wonder if you can SHOOT HIM!!" [fires several rounds from a red NES pistol]
Me- "You're wasting your ammo"
Grandma - "Shut the fuck up. I hate the dog."

[playing Milon's Secret Castle] "I can't get on the FUCKING LEDGE!! HE WON'T JUMP, DAMMIT!!"

[playing Gauntlet] "What did it say? I shot the food? Couldn't I STILL EAT IT WITH AN ARROW STICKING OUT!? I'M NOT GOING TO EAT THE ARROW!!"

[playing Empire Strikes Back on SNES] "Jump! JUMP DAMN YOU!!! FUCK!!!!"

[playing Disney's Aladdin on Genesis] "I swear to Christ, I can't get on the ledge. It's impossible. They made this game impossible." [ten minutes later] "FUCK!!!"

[playing Columns] "AAAHHHH!!!!!!"

[playing DuckTales] "I swear to God. This is so... look, if it's this hard how are kids suppose to do this, when even I can't? It's Donald Duck!! It's for god damn KIDS!"

[playing Spot Goes To Hollywood] "Get on the LEDGE!!! JUMP, DUMMY!!" [shows me the controller] Look!!! I'm fucking pressing.... [mashes buttons on controller until face turns red from stress] ...the FUCKING BUTTON!!!!"

More to come... Thanks for the comments! Pictures coming soon!

---Update: Welcome digg.com readers!!
We made the frontpage on digg.com! Very cool honor from a very cool site.

Open replies to e-mails and comments: Yes, she really talks like this. Yes, it's sort of intimidating for new players to come over and face her. No, she's not on Xbox-Live; and here's why: Grandma doesn't like playing online. She doesn't like the idea of an eleven year old calling her a cock-shit. Most XBox Live players are pretty cool, but you have one bad experience... It's the same reason she doesn't eat at Bob's Big Boy anymore (just replace the foul-mouthed pre-teen with a boody scab in a burger and you get the idea.) Halo 2 is one thing, but the idea of someone watching her struggle in an RPG sort of scares her, so you won't find FFXI in her top ten.

Also: a couple of you pointed out "Atari 6400? ...what the shit is that?" Couldn't tell ya. I was an infant when she would put a cartridge in a black and brown looking thingy and some dots on the screen thing would move and go 'beep!', so... you're right, I don't remember the model number on her first system, but I will find out for you. When she talked about it I thought she refered to it as a 6400, but I could be wrong. Again, my first cogent memories of the woman were two player mode on Super Mario Brothers. Good eye, though, thanks for the catch.

Thanks for the comments! If all goes well (she rented Prince of Persia last night) I will have pictures up by tommorow. ---

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Friday, July 08, 2005

Grandma Has Destroyed All Humans

I don't think the old lady laughed this hard since Toejam and Earl; but god dammit she thought the beginning of this game was funny.

"Look! I get to pick up a cow!! AAAHHAHAHAHAHAA!!!"


"You can make the cow do the chicken dance! Dance fucker!!!"

And so on. That is, until she realized the mini-missions are really, incredibly hard. Then she stopped laughing and returned to her normal, cheerful ball of geriatric demons. One point of the game of particular annoyance was when she had to "take the form of the mayor of town and convince people nothing was going on." It's sort of a KOTOR thing where you have several options for dialogue. You could A) Blame it on Communists; B) Say you haven't seen anything strange; C) Blame it on rebellious youth listening to jazz music; or D) Kill them all! She kept saying kill them, and the mission would fail. Grandma would scream in protest.
"You have to blame it on the communists," I'd say.
She'd reply: "But the god damn title is Destroy All Fucking Humans!! It doesn't make sense!!"
Then she would go into a strange, under-the-breath diatribe about how games that were not sold as Metal Gear Solid should not be Metal Gear Solid with "all that sneaking around shit..."

It took her about 16 hours of gameplay to get 100%, which unlocked some B-Movie "Teenagers from Outer Space," which she proceeded to watch in it's entirety. Trying reading about terrorism with that in the background. It really puts everything in perspective.

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Saturday, July 02, 2005

Why Social Security Should Buy Grandma an XBox 360...

It turns out it takes a very long while to actually get 100% in OG2; so until she gets a new game in the next week or so let me go over our current issue: which next-gen console does she reserve?

She really wants an XBox 360; and if she puts away $50 a week she'll get it by the time it comes out; but she also wants a PS3, because the game archive is so large; but she really wants a Nintendo Revolution; because she digs the idea of playing all the classic NES and SNES and N64 games at which she vehemetly cursed so long ago. Thing is, she's on social security, and she has health problems, so she has to map out her priorities.

So far we have several possibilities:

Halo 3 > GTA > Mario > Medication > Food

FFXII > Madden 360 > Kirby > Nachos > Pain Pills

Zelda > Xenosaga > Crimsom Skies > Percocet > Ramen Noodles

So you see our problem.

---Update: Grandma got Fazed!---
Rock on, man! To answer some comments and e-mails:

First- I will surely put up some pictures, but my hope is to also get some sound so you can get the full effect of this woman. I'll try some video, I just hope Case's network will host it for me.

Second- Nope, no donations, no pay-pal or any of that old thing (I'm not even putting up GoogleAds), I just want to share this woman with the public. Although, thanks for the thought. Grandma has always gotten each system, she's not poor, she rents like a banshee on crack; it's just a question of which one does she get first. I'm betting PS3 cause she's cuckoo for Squaresoft.

Third- Here's a message to the wee lad from Best-Buy who was kind enough to drop me a line: Fuck you and fuck the blue-shirted suggestive-sale based pay horse you rode in on. Games may be marketed for kids but many are made for everybody (hence the rating system.) If Grandma want to pump CJ up to maximum levels and go beat some digitized whores in her afternoon, she can if she wants. Rockstar games wouldn't have it any other way, my friend.

Fourth- Thanks! I know she's not the only gamer granny out there and its good to hear from the rest of yas. I'll keep updating for all'y'all.


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