Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Bondage Has A Friend Named Rehabilitative Therapy

For new readers of OGHC- Our Gamer Grandma had her second knee replacement surgery back in March because her doctor decided she should be crippled and walk with a cane for half a year because canes are fun!

Okay, moving on...

Knee replacements are a tricky business. Before the surgery, Grandma would go bowling with us and have a blast. Let's face it, bowling is the only sport where it's encouraged to drink beer and smoke- so it ranks up there on our list. Now; she screams out in pain when she rolls the wrong way in bed. If the painful exercises done at therapy don't do the trick and get the knee to bend at a certain percentage; she has to go back in and "have the knee manipulated." This is a procedure so painful, they have to put her under general anesthesia.

Here's what they do:

They take her extremely tender, swollen and inflamed knee and they open it up; scrape off any scar tissue that may have built up; and then they bend it back and forth until it's all loose and dangly. Then they wake her up; wheel her out to the car and say "now you need to be in therapy everyday for the next two weeks or this pain is worth nothing. Goodbye!" Grandma, hopped up on morphine, hears this as "have a nice day now! Hope to see you in therapy!" Me, driving her getaway car, hopped up on caffeine and nicotine hears this as "it's your goddamn fault we had to do this because YOU are not trying hard enough in therapy- you lazy video game playing old bitch!" We drive away, Grandma gets home, starts playing some GTA or something and says: "well, I guess they scheduled my first therapy session for tomorrow at 2:00pm, can you drive me?" I say "sure! Why would that be a problem?"

And then the fun begins.

She gets therapy in Aurora; about 30 minutes from downtown Cleveland and not too far away from our house. I drop her off at the front door; park the car, and then follow her in. She smiles at the receptionist, goes into the back that, from the waiting area, looks like some high school weightroom, full of various devices to build up muscles. I wait; catching up on some Good Housekeeping and Chiropractic Monthly or some such bullshit (you know they believe MAGNETS will cure cancer?) And I hear Grandma scream; not yell or whimper; but SCREAM out in pain. I go back there (it's not like it's a doctor's office or anything, what are they going to say to me, "please wait while we beat up your Grandma"?) And there is some chick bending Grandma's very painful leg all the way back to her ass saying "Just hold it for a minute; come on, stop crying, you're stronger than this... lots of other people don't seem to have this problem...."

Oh it's on.

You think Grandma swears playing Conker? (see videos on right-->) Oh she swore all right, much to the chagrin of the very sheltered she-demon breaking Grandma in half at the moment. "MotherFUCKER!!! I'M TIRED OF THIS SHIT!!! I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING YOU PEOPLE HAVE TOLD ME! I do all the fucking EXERCISES!! I go to every fucking THERAPY SESSION!! NOTHING IS HELPING!!!! WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSE TO DO??"
...so I'm thinking "You know, she's sorta right there."
All this lady can respond with is "I'm sorry, it's NOT us. YOU decided to have knee replacement surgery. YOU knew the consequences. Two more weeks and you'll be FINE."

The best part? This particular case happened two months ago. She's still going. Now the "doctor" says she will have to have the knee "manipulated" ...again.

Grandma responds only how Grandma can. She goes home, turns on the PS2, starts a game, R2, R2, L1, R2, Left, Down, Right, Up, Left, Down, Right, Up.... Sniper rifle.....

"...Motherfucking KNEE [bang!] REPLACEMENT!!"
"...Tell me I NEED [bang!] to get surgery..."
"...Tell me to my FACE [bang!] that it will make EVERYTHING [bang!, wanted level 3] better..."
"...cocksucking ASSHOLE [bang!, wanted level 4, switch weapon to rocket launhcer]...."
"...I didn't need a goddamn thing...[booom!, helicopter explodes, wanted level flashing, tanks deployed]...."

It's good to have an outlet sometimes I guess...

--More on the way!! We likes the comments; we loves the e-mails; it's all good...--

16 Comments:

  • At 2:16 PM, Anonymous CyberPitz said…

    Have grandma go beat some ass at the office :D

    The reason I will never listen to doctors..anything for a few $$$s

     
  • At 2:43 PM, Anonymous Gamer Phfreak said…

    haha Shit and they say GTA is bad for you!

     
  • At 4:45 PM, Anonymous Anne Packrat said…

    I just went to a really good physical therapy place down in Akron. It'll be a drive, but they were really nice. It was MedGroup Physical Therapy in Fairlawn, OH.

     
  • At 7:48 PM, Anonymous Lala said…

    Dude. Medical people can be ASSHOLES. You are allowed to tell them off, you know. And that physical therapist sounds like she could use some serious telling off along with some complaining to her employer and the insurance company. "You decided to have knee replacement surgery..."
    You would be amazed at the effectiveness of letter of complaint cc'd to everyone she's ever had to answer to at work.

     
  • At 3:19 AM, Anonymous Hauk said…

    what a bunch of assholes man

     
  • At 10:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I can see the headlines now.

    Local grandmother goes on shooting spree at hospital

    One eye witness report stated, "Every time she would reload, she would yell out 'R2, R2, L1, R2, Left, Down, Right, Up, Left, Down, Right, Up MOTHERFUCKERS!!'" Then she would snipe a couple more doctors.


    I hate doctors. I can't believe I got a $2,100 bill from the hospital for a couple damn shots in my ass.

     
  • At 1:32 PM, Anonymous jonathan bennett said…

    I hope she has a speedy recovery this time.

     
  • At 6:21 PM, Anonymous dani said…

    Gah, knee replacement shouldnt be -that- painful. Can she get s second opinion from someone? Atleast she can get out her frustrations.

     
  • At 9:26 PM, Blogger Minona said…

    Haha, I think I will like this blog :P

     
  • At 11:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    My wife had to go through this about five years ago. There was a stage for about six months where she couldn't get up from her chair without intense pain. (Quite confronting in your mid 20's).

    The worst stage was a knee manipulation that lasted three days. With a machine that moved he leg 24 hours a day (that had a disturbing habit of working it's way to the end of the bed and threatening to fall off.)

    Still, five years later and she's walking without pain and can even run for short distances.

    Knees, you don't know how important they are until you damage it.

     
  • At 11:45 PM, Blogger Pat Angello said…

    Dude, this site makes me cry with laughter every damn time - I just hope people that visit my blog are smart enough to click on the link to yous!

    Thanks!

     
  • At 11:04 AM, Anonymous Cythen said…

    Maybe you should speak to the supervisor and suggest that PT show a little more compassion.

    Can't they give her that machine they were talking about earlier (CPM) so it can be working her knee while she is playing? Steroid shots in her knee? Better medications?

    Seriously, they need to overhaul her therapy, because all that pain is not doing her any good.

     
  • At 2:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Doesn't it seem that you always feel worse after going to see a doctor? She really shouldn't be in pain like that, I think maybe you should seek another opinion on what her best interests are, because it doesn't sound like this physical therapy place has a friggin clue.

    Feel better Grandma!

     
  • At 1:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I hate doctors and have worked with a lot of them. The good ones are few and far between. It seems like they never believe that you are really sick or that something hurts. I just took my aunt to the er tonight. She couldn't get up on the table to take an x-ray. She is not well porportioned to step on a step and hop up on a table. Plus she has sort of an x-ray phobia. Most people don't understand that sort of thing. She was totally apologetic, but the nurse was like, it's your test, not mine, so if you refuse it's on you. Blah, blah, blah. It's a shame that you don't have to have compassion to earn a degree. In fact, it seems that the opposite is the most favorable. If you're an asshole and working at a fast food joint, that's totally understandable, but if you've got a high five or a six figure income, how hard can it be to put on a happy face?

     
  • At 12:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I had to have thearpy after my open heart when I was 17. A Pt said that to me too. "Youdeciided to do this" to which I replid, " No, Fuck You I'm 17 the Dr decided to do this and talked my mom into it, SO STOP FUCKING TOUCHING ME!"

     
  • At 2:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I simply attended Diablo 3 Golda very good physical rehabilitation area straight down with Akron. It will likely be any drive, butDiablo 3 Gold kaufen they also were great. It turned out MedGroup Therapy with Fairlawn, Also.

     

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