Bondage Has A Friend Named Rehabilitative Therapy
Okay, moving on...
Knee replacements are a tricky business. Before the surgery, Grandma would go bowling with us and have a blast. Let's face it, bowling is the only sport where it's encouraged to drink beer and smoke- so it ranks up there on our list. Now; she screams out in pain when she rolls the wrong way in bed. If the painful exercises done at therapy don't do the trick and get the knee to bend at a certain percentage; she has to go back in and "have the knee manipulated." This is a procedure so painful, they have to put her under general anesthesia.
Here's what they do:
They take her extremely tender, swollen and inflamed knee and they open it up; scrape off any scar tissue that may have built up; and then they bend it back and forth until it's all loose and dangly. Then they wake her up; wheel her out to the car and say "now you need to be in therapy everyday for the next two weeks or this pain is worth nothing. Goodbye!" Grandma, hopped up on morphine, hears this as "have a nice day now! Hope to see you in therapy!" Me, driving her getaway car, hopped up on caffeine and nicotine hears this as "it's your goddamn fault we had to do this because YOU are not trying hard enough in therapy- you lazy video game playing old bitch!" We drive away, Grandma gets home, starts playing some GTA or something and says: "well, I guess they scheduled my first therapy session for tomorrow at 2:00pm, can you drive me?" I say "sure! Why would that be a problem?"
And then the fun begins.
She gets therapy in Aurora; about 30 minutes from downtown Cleveland and not too far away from our house. I drop her off at the front door; park the car, and then follow her in. She smiles at the receptionist, goes into the back that, from the waiting area, looks like some high school weightroom, full of various devices to build up muscles. I wait; catching up on some Good Housekeeping and Chiropractic Monthly or some such bullshit (you know they believe MAGNETS will cure cancer?) And I hear Grandma scream; not yell or whimper; but SCREAM out in pain. I go back there (it's not like it's a doctor's office or anything, what are they going to say to me, "please wait while we beat up your Grandma"?) And there is some chick bending Grandma's very painful leg all the way back to her ass saying "Just hold it for a minute; come on, stop crying, you're stronger than this... lots of other people don't seem to have this problem...."
Oh it's on.
You think Grandma swears playing Conker? (see videos on right-->) Oh she swore all right, much to the chagrin of the very sheltered she-demon breaking Grandma in half at the moment. "MotherFUCKER!!! I'M TIRED OF THIS SHIT!!! I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING YOU PEOPLE HAVE TOLD ME! I do all the fucking EXERCISES!! I go to every fucking THERAPY SESSION!! NOTHING IS HELPING!!!! WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSE TO DO??"
...so I'm thinking "You know, she's sorta right there."
All this lady can respond with is "I'm sorry, it's NOT us. YOU decided to have knee replacement surgery. YOU knew the consequences. Two more weeks and you'll be FINE."
The best part? This particular case happened two months ago. She's still going. Now the "doctor" says she will have to have the knee "manipulated" ...again.
Grandma responds only how Grandma can. She goes home, turns on the PS2, starts a game, R2, R2, L1, R2, Left, Down, Right, Up, Left, Down, Right, Up.... Sniper rifle.....
"...Motherfucking KNEE [bang!] REPLACEMENT!!"
"...Tell me I NEED [bang!] to get surgery..."
"...Tell me to my FACE [bang!] that it will make EVERYTHING [bang!, wanted level 3] better..."
"...cocksucking ASSHOLE [bang!, wanted level 4, switch weapon to rocket launhcer]...."
"...I didn't need a goddamn thing...[booom!, helicopter explodes, wanted level flashing, tanks deployed]...."
It's good to have an outlet sometimes I guess...
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