Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Preparing For The Move

Grandma has lived with Mom and I for the whole of the 23 years of life I am to "celebrate" the 25th of December. In that time, we have moved ten times; the kids switching school districts enough times to learn to avoid expectations of long friendships. Mom has never owned a house of her own, we've always rented. She and Grandma raised five of us; Grandma at home and Mom at work. A single income in a family our size can only go so far- and we are about to embark on finding its limits.

Moving has never been exhilarating or promising for us. The law of averages have already condemned one or more accidents upon Grandma's gaming systems and collection; we would take bets on what is to be damaged had we any money. We have become conditioned to fear the words "address change form" as though they were the proclamation of our banishment to a penal colony. Moving has always been hard for us.

Until now.

Mom's first claim to property is a large century home in the heart of a small village east of Cleveland known as Mantua. While named after an Italian city, the locals still pronounce it "man-too-way," which is met by confusion to any of its few European visitors. It's quaint but it's safe, it's secure, and it's perfect.

Most importantly to Grandma, she will have for the first time in her life- a Game Room.

The room is not large, but it's ever so fitting. Rows of shelves on the North wall for books, magazines and games. A corner fit for her gaming systems, television, and that classic comfy armchair; a recliner whose image has been duplicated on hundreds of thousands of screens thanks to you folks. She will no longer need to squeeze the chair next to her bed to play at an angle. The walls are thick plaster which resonate the game audio to acoustically pleasing levels to those who drive by, eliminating the barking-dog epidemic after shots fired in Resident Evil 4.

There is also enough space in the room for Grandma's computer, so we will continue to bring you live Grandma blogging from ground zero.

The major packing jobs have already begun a few days ago; an interesting dose of unexpected nostalgia enters the brain going through old CD's, games, videos, clothes, and so on. I found a VHS tape we bought as a joke back in 1999 entitled "Y2K Home Survival Guide," and who knows- the thing might be worth money in some campy way in thirty years.

Curiously, loading up the old Sony Walkman with Godspeed You Black Emperor's "F# A# Infiniti" is awkwardly appropriate for packing things you haven't seen in years. For if everything is going well for us, if Mom's dream of owning a home has finally come true- if the job for which I was just hired, a stringer photographer for a local paper, is to establish enough income for me to go back to school or better yet- achieve all that I've wanted with writing and photography, if Grandma's success is heading toward a comfortable plateau with television appearances, articles in The Washington Post, Der Spiegel, BusinessWeek, and MTV...

If all this is real, the apocolypse is surely upon us.

A special addition of Ask Grandma Hardcore is scheduled for tonight at 9:00pm EST for all those who missed the Washington Post Q&A today, or for all our West Coast and international readers who haven't had one in a while. We'll continue on into the night for everyone until the Tacos and Tequilla run dry, which is probably sometime around sunrise. We have a lot of big news coming, even now- so stay with us for daily updates!

Before you ask about the box- Grandma is a diabetic. She wrote that in big sharpie letters, not me; so don't send the DEA after us. Well, you can I guess, but insulin doesn't have a high street value from what I hear.

Game on!!


  • At 5:07 PM, Blogger Jesse said…

    I hate moving almost as much as I hate stubbing toes. And I am not masochist, at least not the liking toe stubbing kind....

  • At 11:30 PM, Anonymous Max Ancar said…

    HEy Grandma and Jess

    Hope the move goes well. When I moved from SF to Los Angeles my car broke down on the way. My engine blew, and its not because i was going 110mph on the 5fwy.

    Hows the new game room for taking video footage? is there enuff space?

    Has Grandma played any of the older systems Like the ones I first played Vectrex,Coleco Vision,itellavision?

    Does your Grandma know how to make jello cake?

    My grandma passed away and took the recipe with her. To this day I still haven't found the right one.

    Love you guys.
    keep up the posts if you can.
    with the moving,tv and New jobs and house coming I know it will be tuff.

    We are sooooo busy it work!!!
    This game we are working on is gonna rock!!!!!!!

  • At 11:48 PM, Anonymous Max A said…

    Jess ahhh yeah. I am still alittle buzzed from our sony xmas party last night.. I mean Tim.. sorry

  • At 12:38 AM, Blogger CtrlAltDelete said…

    Max, it's all good- there's NOTHING like a good party. If it wasn't for Blogger's tragic temporary demise last night, I'd be buzzed right now myself.

    By "buzzed" I mean passed out in front of an infomercial on mute while my dog licks vodka off the couch.

    To be fair, you NEED to be going 110 on Hwy 101. Why else is it THERE!? Dude, my car broke down on the way to a concert, I had to take a cab 40 miles back to the house, and I was out of cigarettes.

    Oh there's going to be enough space- and if not, we have some wide angle lens attachments. Maybe a Granny-Helmet. (Nah, she'd hit me if I asked her to do that. I don't want to get hit.) As soon as she's done with Fatal Frame we're putting up another video.

    Oh hell yeah!! She had a Coleco Vision, a "Socrates", an Atari 2600, and some wierd Sears console I don't remember the name.

    Yes. It just depends what you want IN the Jello cake. She'll send the recipe with our Xmas card to Sony! I know she has one.

    Dude, we HAVE to find out what you are working on. It shall be played. It shall be played HARD.

  • At 1:03 AM, Anonymous Bridget said…

    Congrats on the new house, the new job, the Q and A - everything! You know, sometimes after much hardship, fortune smiles on you and yours. Just be thankful and enjoy it, and keep doing whatever it is you're doing because it seems to be working. =)

  • At 1:58 AM, Anonymous Blue said…

    Woo and hooray and all kinds of wonderfulness! ::does happy dance:: I'm with you on hating to move, but once you're all settled into a new place... it's awesome. But I definitely know the difference between bad moving (four times a year, for all four years I was in college: moving in, out for Winter Break, in from Winter Break, out for the summer, etc) and good moving (college to actual first apartment - WHOA that was a refreshing change!), and it sounds like this one is ALLLLLL good.

    More postingness later, and new of various varieties. And that special comic, too! ::grin:: Take care, be well, and GAME ON!


  • At 2:04 AM, Anonymous Blue said…

    P.S: I snort-laughed when Grandma made that Jurassic Park reference in the Q&A at the Washington Post. Go dinosaur movies WHEEE!


  • At 11:21 AM, Blogger Candy the Pomeranian said…

    Congrats on the new house and job. I wish you and your family luck with life, health, and everything.

    Look into grants and scholarships for children of single parents. There are tons ways to get college money.

    Heck, if you have not already, put up a paypal link. I am sure many of us would be willing to donate to help!

    Merry Holidays.

  • At 3:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Good luck with the move! Although your entry should start with "Grandma has lived with Mom and me," not "Mom and I." ;)

  • At 3:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    (Different anonymous)
    When I saw 'drugs' on the box, I assumed it was her games and/or systems...

  • At 6:30 PM, Anonymous Firebyrd said…

    Congrats on the house and good luck with the move.

    I hear ya on the game systems. We're in the process of moving ourselves and my husband thinks I'm a crazy paranoid lunatic for freaking out about my games and systems and writing things like 'Handle with Care' all over the boxes. Glad to know that I might be paranoid, but it's because they really are out to get me and that sort of thing can be a casualty in a move.

  • At 4:13 PM, Anonymous work ideas said…

    Got a couple of ideas based on what i saw on your blog. Thx.

    Steve @

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