Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005


Grandma is slowly roaming the dream world halls of Fatal Frame III: The Tormented, searching for those etheric bodies who would much rather choke her to death than pose for a netherworld tourist photo-op. The ambient low bass frequencies of the game's soundtrack vibrates the walls or our house; occasionally masking out the small screams of panic Grandma lets escape upon the emergence of a new ghost.

Most of her apparent terror is ignited not by the intensely spooky apparitions flowing through walls trying to kill her but rather by the lack of warning before their appearance coupled with her diminishing inventory of film and health. This brings about the appropriate vernacular response:

"SHIT! Where the FUCK did YOU COME FROM??"

"No no NO NO NO!!! I didn't SAVE!!! Not yet DAMMIT!"

"Come on... give me some film... I don't have- FUCK! I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die!"

"You motherfucker. Tim, this thing is moving WAY TOO FAST, there is no way I can take it out without upgrading the camera, and I don't have the goddamn POINTS."

Fatal Frame III tends to completely dissolve our disbelief in the spirit world. If emotions and thought processes are determined by chemical activity within organs of our physical self, then ghosts are manifestations of the aura of those who have passed- thus, they do not contain said organs- so they cannot form rational thought.

Apparently these ghosts didn't read the literature on the improbability of the paranormal; they are PISSED and seem to blame Grandma. Before a visible attack, Grandma hears them in her headphones; a crescendo of whispers "Why did you KILL DADDY!?" or "....stay....BACK.." (It's easy to assume that my nightmares are going to be a bit more interesting over the turkey induced sleep this weekend.) The controller for her Playstation 2 vibrates her hands, jolting the upcoming battle between her camera and the beasts into focus.

The game has two difficulty modes, Easy and Normal; so Grandma chose "Normal" to get the full Ghost-Hunting experience, not wanting a successful journey back to the Lost Village to be just ...handed to her. This decision perhaps means more ghosts, more shots needed to destroy them, and less supplies which to use to accomplish her objectives.

That doesn't mean she's going back to hours of World Championship Poker on XBox Live or attempting a go at our copy of Sly Cooper 3 everyone else finally finished or even continuing her quest to defeat the infamous God Mode to God of War to alleviate her frustrations, far from it. Fatal Frame III is the principle topic of conversation when she and I are driving somewhere or eating lunch. Today for example:

Grandma - "Did you see that comment Bi-Coastal Eddie left the other day? Apparently the poor bastard is stuck in Hour 7. Now I don't feel so bad about having troubles with this bitch."

Me - "Have you looked at GameFAQs? Maybe there is a decent guide you could-"

Grandma - "Not this time. This one has to be done just right, that's why there is so little film to find; you have to KNOW when to shoot and when to run- otherwise you're FUCKED. No guide is going to help that."

Me - "Well you have been at the thing for a while..."

Grandma - "It's a lot of searching, Tim. It's not always obvious where you need to go. Everything's ...subtle. It's difficult, sure- it's hard as FUCK, but ...I like it."

Me - "Well now I have to play this.

Grandma - "Well, you're going to have to WAIT."

Me - "Yeah... I know."

I think it's safe to say she's into Fatal Frame III.

Game on!


  • At 7:00 PM, Blogger Stephanie said…

    CBS ROCKED!!!!!!!

  • At 7:01 PM, Blogger Stephanie said…

    oops. Wrong post.

    FATAL FRAME 3 ROCKS...too. It does, but not as much as the CBS thing. You guys looked beautiful.

    And please excuse the double post.

  • At 7:35 PM, Blogger Bi-coastal Eddie said…

    Don't even bother with the walkthrough. I hate it when the first guy sucks all the glory out of the project and nobody else wants to step up. Somebody needs to at least put out a guide for the American version. There's only one guide floating around out there, but it's posted everywhere. It's by a Malaysian kid who's playing an early Japanese version of the game, so sometimes it's different stuff in different places and all he says is, "Go here, defeat this guy, get this." No hints or suggestions about how to kill these fuckers. I went to the Camera Lens site, but it's almost more about the whole anime Fatal Frame franchise, with the cosplay and trading cards and cigarette cases and stuff. I haven't found any threads with answers about beating the game and I am still stuck on the stairway with the 'hoors'. But hey, at least you guys are TV stars tonight. That'll take some of the sting away.
    Game on!

  • At 11:06 PM, Anonymous Stacy said…

    I'm so sorry that I missed CBS! I would have loved to see it!

    Anyway, I am so excited that Grandma is playing Fatal Frame III. She is the one who led me to discover Fatal Frame II and there is hardly a game that fits me better. I didn't even know a third one was coming out, so I'm glad you guys picked it up. It seems like this will definately have to be my next purchase!

    Thanks Grandma!

  • At 2:30 AM, Blogger HandOverFist said…

    Damn I missed CBS. I will never play fatal frame in fear of never sleeping again. I have enough trouble with Resident Evil. I love the series but I can't even play it at night half the time unless I'm with friends.

  • At 1:20 PM, Anonymous Arsal said…

    Looks like Grandma loves Fatal Frame. Hey Tim, tell grandma to hang by the beyond the cameras lens forums sometimes. She's so loved there. People there adore her alot. :D ;D.

  • At 11:56 AM, Blogger hugz n drugz said…

    Yo Tim, i've gotta question:
    are you a hardcore gamer like your grandma? i mean, i dont think i've readden anything about your gaming experience...i know its GRANDMA's site but i dunno i have too much free time and i wonder :P

  • At 8:47 PM, Blogger gamerkoz06gunman said…

    hi this is kevin and this game is so fucking hard.the ghost are pretty hard to capture.when ever i see one it automatically puts me behind a wall in camra mode. on the eprologue i got only 500 points and thats becausethe ghost was facing backwards.

    keep on gaming gramdma your an inspiration to all gamers.

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