Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Shopping Carts

I got home from work today to find Grandma screaming at the television. "STUPID BITCH!!! I can't figure out how to kill this motherfucking OLD BIDDY!!" Apparently, in the 10th Chapter of Fatal Frame III: The Tormented, a certain crazy post-elderly person, who is dead, runs you over with her weapon of choice, a shopping cart.

About ten minutes later, Grandma scored a fully charged fatal frame shot that wiped out the old hag, and Grandma had successfully defeated ...Grandma.

Grandma finds the game extremely challenging (or as Grandma puts it "fucking IMPOSSIBLE) yet satisfying. She had a moment of clarity when a Washington Post reporter asked me how much time Grandma had put into Fatal Frame III, and I responded "only about 40 or 50 hours..." I gave the phone to Grandma and he asked the same question. She paused the game, glanced at the game-clock and replied "about 20 hours." When she told me about her answer, I told her that I gave a total cumulative time, including deaths, not the successful total completion time. Grandma played for awhile, paused, and fetched me from the kitchen. "You were right! If I die, the clock starts back from when I loaded, it didn't keep going. ...but that means... the times in OTHER games are probably... Jesus Christ!"

In other news, a friend of ours bought for their child a brand spanking new XBox 360, an act that has drove Grandma into a pure state of jealousy with a young boy. I will now share the tale that was passed down to me through Grandma, and then you can tell your children one day, and eventually through the filtered eyes of bloggers it will evolve into an event of apocalyptic proportions:

They stood in line for a few hours at a local ultracapitalistmerchanttradingcenter that shall remain nameless for the sake of the child who is to receive the gift. They held their ground approximately 23rd in a line of 50. The manager, carrying only 15 unfortunately named "pink slips" found himself under the hateful gaze of everyone standing at position 16 and beyond. The 15th lucky recipient of said pink slip had their XBox 360 for only a few euphoric moments before another man bolted from the shadows, grabbed the box, and ran to the counter, exhibiting an ability to pay and leave at such incredible speed, his inhuman asshole-qualities were almost set aside as those around him admired his skill.

As our friends stood around trying to decide on an appropriate substitute gift, the manager, a modern day knight of the highest order, rolled into the attention of so many hopeful shoppers with five XBox 360 boxes in a shopping cart. The subjects of our tale leapt into action, procuring one for themselves, and swiftly made their way to the checkout counter, XBox 360 resting patiently in their shopping cart.

But a monster would meet them where empty aisles had been expected.

A monster of unimaginable strength and power:

The Sneaky Lady.

She came from the West, deftly swiping the not yet purchased XBox 360 from their cart and began to run, only this time, the mobs were prepared.

"That's not fucking FAIR!"
"She wasn't even in LINE!"
"SAVE THE XBOX 360!!!!!!"

The manager, weary from battle yet firm in his authority, divided the surrounding crowd and approached The Sneaky Lady. The crowd told the tale of her trickery, they described the horrible plague she inflicted upon the townsfolk, they pleaded with the manager for justice, and by the gods- justice would be done.

The Sneaky Lady did not cry, she scowled.
The Sneaky Lady did not plead, she screamed.
The Sneaky Lady did not give back the XBox 360,
But her biggest mistake-
The Sneaky Lady did NOT sneak away.

The manager saw his opportunity. The Sneaky Lady tried to fight, but it was too late. The XBox 360 was taken from her horrific grasp, and placed back in our traveler's shopping cart product-holding apparatus. It was then whisked away to the checkout counter, only this time it came with an escort.

The XBox 360 awaits it's first breath of life on a shelf somewhere now, counting the days until a little child, full of promise, will reach under the branches of an artificial conifer to find the greatest fucking game system yet known to man.

And now, with this story, we all shall wait with it, and despise that child until we get one in our own shopping carts.

Also, everyone want to see something cool? For those of you who are not I'm Blue regulars and didn't notice yet, check out the computer screen in this comic. Notice anything? ;) Thanks Annie!

Game on!


  • At 11:35 PM, Anonymous Nathan said…

    Oh Gramma, you pwn me so badly.

  • At 12:58 AM, Blogger Leci said…

    As my mother always says..., "Happy Holidays! -_-" Basically, she hates how everyone becomes fucking monsters and forget how to drive so they can get to Walmart 0.2 seconds before the next person, in the chance that they might be able to get a better parking spot than the next person.

  • At 1:19 PM, Anonymous Zwomann said…

    Yo, Gramz (as my kids call MY ma)-

    My dear sweet "Game Girl" mom mainly likes Zelda, Mario and now Urbz on DS. I want to get her a GameCube or DS game for Christmas. Any Suggestions? What about the Psychonauts? Is that like Zelda?

    PS - I feel the Xbox 360 seeker's pains. My little bastard son LOST my mom's DS this past weekend and I am in persuit of a Nintendogs DS version. NO LUCK ANY DAMN WHERE! The crappy thing is, I saw 2 of them freaken 6 inches from my eyes last WEDNESDAY. Bummer...

  • At 1:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    so not to be a buzzkill but have you heard the problems the 360 thus far? It hasnt been out a few weeks and I have heard MANY complaints about the box freezing up. Worst in my mind is how many complaints Ive heard of it scratching the cds to hell. Lets see what the problems that arrive in a month or two after a few hundred gaming hours have been put on the machine.

  • At 5:35 PM, Blogger The Elderly said…

    Heya there!
    thanks for dropping by the elderly gamer and most of all for leaving a comment. It quelled my incontinence for a while.

    I've left a little surprise for you on my link list (if that's okay with you?). Meanwhile i'm off to find my birthcert, but from what I think I know, your racking up a higher score than me.
    Bottoms up!
    the elderly gamer

  • At 10:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    My husband and I have decided that next year on Black Friday we will be pulling up lawn chairs in the middle of the mall to watch the chaos ensue. We will laugh as soccer moms tear each others eyes out for the last new game on the shelf for their precious little bastard. Ah, consumerism at it's best. I think it is hilarious how people can turn into raving lunatics around the holidays.

  • At 1:13 AM, Anonymous brett alters said…

    i know its late, and this was a few posts ago, but i just got around to reading the game informer zork reference, awesome sauce man! i was so proud to be a oghc reader. peace

  • At 7:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    my congratulations to this lady and i just whant to saY IF MY GRAMMA do not play video games is just because shes dont have the intelegence of that lady overthere.good for here.

  • At 4:06 PM, Blogger Pat Angello said…

    Isn't that a rare form of cannibalism?

  • At 4:46 AM, Blogger camillia said…

    I'd be curious to know what video games grandma has completed. Is there a list or something?
    I'm especially interested if she finished up GTA San Andreas, and if so, at what percent? Thanks for sharing your hardcore grandma! Game on!

  • At 6:21 AM, Anonymous Jon said…

    I woke up this morning, weary and stressed and pissed at the prospect of taking the LSATs. I sat down in front of my computer with a cup of Joe and opened my Firefox. Since I live in DC (and because it is the BEST newspaper), the Washington Post is my homepage. Reading the article about Grandma made my day! It made me smile and forget about all of my test anxiety. Even though I am not a gamer myself, I think Grandma is awesome! I wish she were mine. . .

  • At 1:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Wow... Now I really need to sit down and play more of Fatal Frame 3. I just can't seem to get into it like I could the other 2.

  • At 8:58 PM, Anonymous Megan said…

    'tis actually a stroller. XD But yeah, Stroller Grandma is a bitch. n___n

    Your grandma is freaking cool, wow. lmao.

  • At 12:15 AM, Anonymous Mary Beth said…

    I love your Grandma. You should tell her that FFVII was my favorite game too.

  • At 9:09 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    i think there is a christmas song somewhere about grandmas story

    it went something like

    grandma got run over by a grandma, sitting in her house near christmas time, lost her xbox due to long lines, (and the song tattles the rest the tale)

  • At 12:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Since my own mommy often suggests..., "Happy Vacations! -_-" Generally, Buy Diablo 3 goldshe cannot stand how every person gets to be banging critters and tend to forget tips on how to generate to enable them to are able to Target 2.Two mere seconds ahead of the subsequent individual, within the possibility that they can could possibly obtain a better vehicle parking place Billig Gw2 Gold compared to the following human being.


Post a Comment

<< Home