Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

New Feature On OGHC: Grandma Rents Some Shit... Or Something

There are a lot of games out right now that Grandma would like to try before she buys. Gun, The Warriors, Radiata Stories, Draqon Quest, Star Wars Battlefront II are just a few she'd like to be charged late fees for enjoying too much. She doesn't want to discover a game's suckage; she gets no enjoyment from making her Playstation 2 spin that shiny black disc more than it should for something that reminds us how much money is spent designing and promoting absolute shit. She has come to know a few designers and she doesn't want to hurt their feelings. That, and if she buys a game, she's going to finish, god damn it; and THAT means taking names off the credits to add to her shit list.

She doesn't like adding names to her shit list.

So renting certain games is the key. Sure, she's going to line up and buy Halo 3 and Final Fantasy XII the night they are released, but apart from the diehard fan loyalties, the woman has to be sure.

Today she rented two games, Star Wars Battlefront II and Resident Evil 4, both for the Playstation 2. RE4 was more of a luxury rental, she's beat her Gamecube copy many times over last June; Grandma just wants to see if the extras are worth a second copy. She played a few campaigns of Star Wars Battlefront II at Gamestop or somewhere and wanted to get the full picture.

Here's how it went:

Resident Evil was one of Grandma's first loves for the Sony Playstation. It's goofy FMV opening sequence with Grizzly Wesker and Friends was a real treat; and the dialogue was hilarious. That isn't to say it didn't scare the holy hell out of her. Looking around a big mansion for ribbons, crests and cranks filled with zombies and their zombie best friends was a blast.

Oh how far you've come, Games Industry.

She picked up the Gamecube version of Resident Evil right after EGM and GameInformer shit themselves with delight. She was most impressed. After the initial "JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! A CHAINSAW GUY!" village level, her skills improved, although cursing was abundant and, sometimes in the purest form of rage, simply guttural noises of anguish. Grandma loved RE4 dearly, and played enough to get the Chicago Typewriter and Infinite Launcher, both of which Grandma says makes the game "less challenging and less fun, but cool nonetheless."

This is why Grandma went for the tin case at Hollywood Video to see if playing as Ada just a bit longer and snagging some crazy new weapons would be worth a $30 trip down nostalgia road.

It's not.

It isn't so much the graphical difference between the two systems, or even the controller switch; firing on the GC version requires a quick press of the sticky right shoulder button and a tap on that big ass "A" that dominates the whole right side of the instrument, while the Sony version is a little more delicate, more like Silent Hill, less of a "boom" when you hit some poor European cult member who was unlucky enough to light a stick of dynamite right before you shot him in the arm.

It comes down to the strange changes, real or imaginary, that Grandma perceives different.

"There was ammo here in the Gamecube version, I know it."

"This is BULLSHIT. The Chainsaw guy is supposed to go down after FOUR headshots with the rifle, not FIVE."

"Why is the bell ringing already?? I thought you had to kill fifteen!"

"He TURNS too damn slow. It wasn't like that in on the Nintendo."

"Do you remember that dialogue? I don't remember hearing that ever on the Nintendo; he just walks down the hall then BAM! -fucker grabs him by the neck. They added that."

"This was a great game, why don't I just play it again on the Gamecube? I like it better that way."

I would say it was some form of conditioning with the GC controller, but Grandma had no troubles switching systems for the same titles in the past; she began Prince of Persia: Sands of Time on the XBox, but finished on the Gamecube- not out of preference, it was just how it went down. I would say she's not a Sony Playstation girl, but I KNOW that's not true- she LOVES her PS2 more than she loves affordable healthcare. I think it's more like watching an episode of Star Wars with added scenes that doesn't quite smell of the old friend you knew in the 80's. Grandma is just attached to her GC copy; so she won't buy the PS2 version.

The PS2 version of Resident Evil 4 is excellent. So much in fact, that if you do not have a Gamecube but you do have your trusty Sony- you should buy this thing. Not rent, BUY. Grandma thinks, however, that if you loved RE4 for the Gamecube; if you saved up enough to get the collectable chainsaw controller and you have the Leon Dies Via Lumberjack Equipment poster in your room, there isn't really a good reason to pick up the PS2 copy unless you feel your Ultimate Capcom Fanboy status will find itself revoked.

Star Wars Battlefield II, however, is a whole different beast. We'll have more on this Friday (double posts coming tomorrow), but know the short of it is- it's too damn easy. That's not a brag, shit when I tried my own file on RE4 on the GC last June, I almost gave up on the first Village level, trapped in a room with Spaniards coming in through the fucking windows and me with only ten 9mm bullets and a god damn red HERB, when Grandma grabbed the controller and said "HERE, you have to ...HEAD SHOT! See? Shoot them in the fucking HEAD. They STAY down. Or just cap one in the knee and then kick the lot of them." Grandma knows her shit more than I do, and I found this game too easy. Does that mean it isn't fun? FUCK NO! I'll tell you all about Grandma's adventures in a galaxy far, far away tomorrow morning.

Oh, and do we have some more big news to tell you. DO WE? Yes. Yes we do!

Game on!!


  • At 12:58 AM, Anonymous Blue said…

    You and your big news! Always with the big news, with you guys! You love having us on pins and needles about it, don't you? You dastardly people. You know I love you guys, right? I totally do. ::grin::

    OOooooo almost forgot. You do sample the sweet savors of OC Remix, right? I may have asked this before, but it is entirely important that if you've never been there - go and BitTorrent everything on the site, and also, every collected mix NOT on the site (like Kong in Concert and the DOOM Project). It is BEYOND worth it.

    Anyhow - take care, be well, GAME ON!


  • At 1:38 AM, Anonymous Christian said…

    Game rentals rock. They help Grandma keep her shit list down.

    Is Mila Jovovich on Grandma's shit list, I wonder? Resident Evil the movie was definitely on my shi--- er, rental list ;-)

  • At 1:49 AM, Blogger CtrlAltDelete said…


    ROCK ON! THAT'S AWESOME!! I downloaded probably more than I should (Torrent takes FOREVER but yes, yes it was worth it!)

    Yeah, I'm sneaky like that. It's not to keep you hanging, it's more of a "if it doesn't happen less people will be massively dissappointed" sort of thing. As Grandma says: "Shit and 2 makes four and you don't count your chickens before they hatch." (Yes, she actually says this. I find myself saying it also now that I've lived with the woman for 23 years.)


    Nah, Grandma forgave Mila after she made Fifth Element, strange enough. She also liked Dummy with Adrian Brody, I think it was. Mila was perfect as a punk.

  • At 3:03 AM, Anonymous nikki said…

    Hey, hey:

    Tell your Grandma that Gun has poker tournaments as side missions.

    I haven't made it very far into the game at all, so I'm still hoping the combat gets a little less clunky, but -- after reading about her poker exploits -- I thought she might want to know about the poker part.

    If you ever do another of those informal polls, a la the Halloween "Scariest Game Moment" one, it should be "what game are you most anticipating that's taking the longest to materialize?"

    I'm tired of waiting for Dark Cloud 3. I just hope it's still actually in the works.

    Anyway: Gun + poker = woo!

  • At 7:06 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…


    there is a new artikel about Old Grandma Hardcore in the German magazine "Der Spiegel", see http://www.spiegel.de/netzwelt/netzkultur/0,1518,385454,00.html.

    Bye and keep on rockin' Grandma,
    Sebastian from Germany

  • At 7:08 AM, Anonymous Anne Packrat said…

    Dragon Quest VIII is great. Lots of old-school fun. And it includes an FFXII demo.

    Plus the best part is you get to steal things from townspeople's homes right in front of them.

    Oh, congrats on making Joystiq again!

  • At 7:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Best wishes from Spain -

  • At 10:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I was just wondering if Grandma ever plays Sims on PS2. My boyfriend hates, hates, hates to watch me play it. Just wondering if Grandma ever got into it?

    Keep up the good work!

  • At 1:58 PM, Anonymous Tim said…

    Gun rocks if you like the old west. I have already beaten it 100 percent in two days. I was hooked. Definitely check it out.

  • At 11:26 PM, Anonymous rpm said…

    A friend of mine picked up Dragon's Quest and heartily recommends it. I was thinking about snagging it today, but the sale at Fry's was over.

    It may be worth it for grandma just for the FFXII demo

  • At 8:12 AM, Blogger The Man In Japan said…

    I noticed you had Radiata Stories on your rental list. Personally, I was waiting to play a full version since I tried it at last years TGS, and when it finally arrived in stores here I ran out and nabbed a copy.

    I don't think I've put more than 20 hours into it. I don't know, but it seems too slow paced. I really didn't dig the battle system and the characters are a little...lacking.

    You should keep an eye out for Tales Of Legendia and Code Age Commanders. Both from Squenix. They released here sometime last month and both are very well done.

    Oh, and like everyone else has said, DQVIII is just fantastic. Its incredible to look at, sounds marvelous and it feels like old-school RPG fun. Dunno about that slime-controller though...

  • At 12:37 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Should Diablo III Goldanyone ever do another of those everyday forms, the are generally the particular Halloween "Scariest Sport Moment" 1, it has to be "what recreation are you currently the majority of anticipating that isBillig Diablo 3 Gold utilizing the greatest to help happen?Inch


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