Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

The Tyrannical Gods of the Internet Bless Grandma Once Again

The cable company installed our internet today as scheduled; Grandma immediately logged on to my e-mail to check her messages which, thanks to all you folks, took a bit of time. We appreciate all the comments and e-mails about the move everybody. It made Grandma feel at home.

So! We have a lot of catching up to do, you and I. We'll post later tonight about Grandma's adventures ordering Dragon Quest VIII online at EBGames.com; we'll talk about the t-shirts tomorrow including pricing, sizes, and action shots of folks sporting the first batch; and we'll talk about some new features for the site and get your input on how things should be done.

Today, however, I'd like to tell you a little about our new home.

Mantua is on the far South East side of the Greater Cleveland area; cows and corn replace cheap apartment buildings and drugs stores. It's a tiny village that's vilified by AAA travel guides as a speed trap. It's really a nice little burgh when it comes down to it. Mantua's only claim to celebrity was Jack Lambert, some asshole who played for the Steelers. Probably a great football player, but the locals know him only as "that dick they named the stadium at the high school after."

Squeezing six of us into a tiny ranch home was never easy. Grandma's room at the old house was narrow, somehow fitting all of her systems, her television, her dresser, an armoire, her bed (queen sized) three bookshelves, a cabinet for her games, hundreds of cookbooks, all her gaming magazines, ceramics, art supplies, a curio filled with angel figurines, her desk- (holding her computer, my computer, fax machine, printer, phone, cable modem and router) stuffed animals, linen and a sombrero.

In this new house, Grandma has a decent sized bedroom with a full closet, tons of storage space for all her crafts and magazines, and most exciting: a game room.

Right now, it's a mess. This is the corner of the room in which Grandma will probably spend most of her time. If this were a zoo and Grandma were a monkey and had a nifty habitat-cam, this would be the swinging tree from which she would propel her feces at the handlers as they desperately try to inject her with vitamins. We're trying to figure out what to do with it; we could have the TV stand in the corner surrounded on both sides by the speakers with the console stand on the right and the game cabinet on the left. Or we could make everything squared off like it was, have the wall hold the TV, the stand, the consoles and the speakers and put the cabinet elsewhere. Whatever we do, she has to have the recliner at such an angle that can provide a path to get the the tiny half-bathroom for those in game emergencies. (The game room has a fucking bathroom of its own, how cool is THAT shit?!)

Also, the room is going to need a name. "Game Room" sounds too much like a place set aside for the pool-table nobody uses anymore and a broken pinball machine that's missing the right flipper button. So we need ideas. IDEAS!!!

Grandma and I are setting up the room now so she can get back into the groove. "I haven't played for FIVE FUCKING DAYS, it's about god damn TIME we get this shit hooked up" she told me in a gentle hint that I needed to stop putting my bed together and get to the important things in life ;)

I'm going to need to drill some holes in the floor to run the ethernet cable to her consoles to access XBox Live, so it might be a long night!

Game on!


  • At 7:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hmmmm, names for the game room huh? Here are a few I had thought of earlier:

    1. The Sanctuary(or Grandma's Sanctuary).

    2. The Black Hole(forgive my Oakland Raider reference but it just sounds cool.)

    3. THE Room. Yes, not just A Room or ONE room. It's THE Room.*disclaimer: I am kind of intoxicated*.

  • At 10:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Psst! That's not a picture of Jack Lambert! It's someone named Mark Dufresne who wrote an article about an encounter with the guy.

    But other than that...glad to know that everything is getting squared away in the new house!

    Name suggestions:
    The Pit
    Old Grandma's Hardcore Room

    Or even just The Media Room. I personally call my game space "The REAL Living Room," but no one else gets it. *sigh*

  • At 10:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Level 1 :)

  • At 12:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I personally call my gameroom "The Pit"

  • At 12:50 AM, Blogger Good Ol' WT said…

    How about "The Hardcore Hangout"

  • At 1:12 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Old school" The Arcade"

  • At 9:14 AM, Blogger Turtle said…

    How 'bout the blue room? After all, OGHC is constantly spewing a blue streak of obscenities.

  • At 10:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I know the perfect name for this room. = D


  • At 1:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    how about:
    the bottomless pit



    the red line (because when you pass through you are in a whole new world


  • At 2:27 PM, Blogger CtrlAltDelete said…

    I like "The Pit," but it has connotations to the movie PCU I can't get rid of. I liked that movie; but I can't see Grandma in dreadlocks.


    I REALLY like the idea of simply "THE ROOM," but it reminds Grandma of Silent Hill 4: The Room; and she fucking HATED that game. Also, it would imply that she can never leave. She needs to ...you know eat once and a while ;)

    Fort Condor is catchy, but the folks over at Hotel Galbadia would probably cry foul; and it's too obscure for a lot of new readers who have not yet experienced the awesomeness of Final Fantasy.

    "Level 1" has already been taken by a large corporation that will most definitely sue me until I DIE, but it works, so ...shit. That's out.

    "Bubbles" reminds me of champange and The Powerpuff Girls, which makes me think of drunk cartoon characters, which makes me think of Cool World, which makes me think of Brad Pitt, which brings us back to "The Pit" which gives me the image of Grandma with dreadlocks.

    In Cleveland, unfortunetly, there is a building known simply as "The Arcade," so that would confuse the locals.

    I'm intrigued by "The Sanctuary," but lets keep the thread open and get some more ideas. Keep in mind I should be able to engrave the name we choose at Things Remembered without them spewing an appropriate content clause at my face, so "Grandma's Motherfucking Pad" might not work.

    More ideas!!!

  • At 2:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Woo! Great setup. I'm so glad you guys have this nice new place - makes me a happy panda.

    * The Lair
    * The Domain
    * The Destructification Station (that's my personal favorite ::laugh::)
    * Haven
    * The Pwning Room

    Many hugs to you guys, enjoy all the delicious gamingness (I'm relying solely on my GBA at this point, and wishing we'd brought the PS2 along with us - D'OH!), take care, be well, and as always - GAME ON!! ::hug::


  • At 4:46 PM, Blogger CtrlAltDelete said…

    hugz n drugz - Grandma didn't like Silent Hill 4 because of the repetition. She LOVED the rest of the Silent Hill series, so she's eagerly awaiting the next one. The fourth just didn't do anything for her I guess.

    Blue- "The Lair." I like that one a lot. It's all up to Grandma, though.

  • At 9:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hey, I recently found this site(linked from Double Fine), good shit. Has Grandma Hardcore played Ethernal Darkness yet?

    Here's some room names:

    Grandmas' Game Pile Domicile
    The Presence of Video Game Residence
    World Avoidance
    Digital Distraction

  • At 1:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Man, it would kick ass if you guys moved into my husband's childhood home. It's not a two bedroom red house with a really pretty new white porch on it is it? With a big red barn and a smaller red shack in the back is it?

  • At 2:11 PM, Blogger Pepe said…

    Grandma's Workshop =)

  • At 2:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    The Game Shrine.

    I might come up with something else.

  • At 3:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I think I know a good name this time. (I'm the same person who suggested "Bubbles")


    I'm sure I might find some more names later.

  • At 5:59 PM, Blogger Anne Packrat said…

    Ryan says about Jack Lambert:

    "The reason why Jack Lambert isn't thought of too highly in Mantua is because when he was interviewed on Monday Night Football he said he was from Buzzard's Breath, Wyoming."

    Ryan used to live off of Pioneer Trail by the way, and that's the name of the orchard I'm thinking of.

  • At 10:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Grandma's Groove Room. LOL.

  • At 9:02 PM, Blogger mw said…

    how abouts "Hell" Just because of OGHC love of cursing.

  • At 7:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    How about Grandma's G-Spot..or simply The G-Spot?

  • At 2:12 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    BIG fan of 'Ground Zero'. *nodnod* Needs no explanation.


  • At 8:31 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    how about "The Salt Mines"

  • At 10:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    How about.. "The Nursing Home". lol.. jj.. much love.


  • At 6:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Nope, problem is, she's so cool that anything that is supposed to sound cool (the pit) becomes un-cool by comparison. I'd aim for below the radar. For example,

    "The sewing room"

    Subversive and useful for getting out of conversations with un-informed morons (UM's). Example, "I'd love to stay and talk, but I have to get back to my sewing room."

    Gram gets back to her gaming and the moron is left with the impression she's perfectly normal.


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