Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Friday, December 30, 2005


Well, we finally have our first t-shirts available for purchase for you; we chose a quality place here in Mantua because they were similarly priced to places like CafePress but they had better shirts. This being our first design, after it's gone, it's gone forever. It comes in small, medium, large, extra large, 2X large, and really, really large. We take checks and credit cards through PayPal (send to my e-mail address listed in the right hand column) for $20 a shirt (this price includes shipping for continental US and Canada; international folks should contact me first) and a tiny markup so Grandma can get some games and pay the bills.

We even made a little commercial for you folks, so go watch it!!

If you'd like to by a shirt directly, just click this here little button thing:

I feel dirty now. But! You get shirts, you get crazy stares from wearing a shirt stating clearly: www.oldgrandmahardcore.com, we all get to spread the Grandma joy though the cult of OGHC, and Grandma gets some money to pay the bills and buy some games. What do I get you ask? Well, I'll tell you. I get that awesome feeling every time I see one of these puppies out in the world. That's enough for me. We could only afford to buy 200 initially, and we will order another 200 after these run out, so first come first serve. If you have any problems with PayPal, or if you have any questions, e-mail me and I'll help you out.

Game on!

Update: If you've e-mailed me your t-shirt size after your order: awesome. If you ordered a shirt but didn't put the size in the "optional comments" spot on the PayPal checkout, shoot me an e-mail so I know your size. If you're not sure, that's okay too- I'll e-mail you if we don't have a size listed for your shirt.

To select a size (we have S, M, L, XL, 2XL, and 3XL) with a t-shirt order, simply type the size you would like in the "optional comments" section of PayPal checkout.

That's my fault, but I'm working on making it easier!

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Thursday, December 29, 2005


The Motley Fool published an article using Grandma as an indicator of certain demographic expansion truisms made by their staff whilst issuing stock recommendations on such companies as GameStop and Electronic Arts; presenting a strong, positive attitude towards the direction of the gaming industry.

Articles like these have to inspire somebody to make a move with their investments. GameStop Corp.'s stock closed on the 28th at 31.52; the reiteration of the promise of the stock within Motley Fool's article featuring Grandma went live that evening. On December 29th, when the NYSE closed the floor, the stock was up .24 (.75%).

And Grandma STILL can't afford an XBox 360.

Something doesn't smell right, here; and it's NOT my Dollar General (NYSE: DG) 25 for $.99 Bazooka chewing gum.

It's not that I'm complaining. We've shot ourselves in the financial foot many times over the course of the past six months regarding the site, and we will continue to do so as long as we have that tiny bit of dignity left that comes with the ability to free the site of advertising. There's nothing wrong with ads on the site as long as they're not obtrusive or annoying; but Grandma and I don't want them- the site isn't about making money. We would like to keep it that way for a few reasons I've mentioned in the past and will repeat here so that I may better practice my typing skills so Mavis Beacon and that damn whip of hers leaves me the hell alone.

1. Readers don't like ads. This is an easy one. When I surf the web, do I really want a fullscreen flash ad; hand crafted for hours in Macromedia so that no matter how many times I click the hard-to-find "[X]" the ad doesn't go away until I Alt-F4 which only closes the damn window I wanted to see in the first place leaving only me and the ad in a high noon stare-down anticipated by whatever demonic "Gator-like" agency enough to subliminally spawn Bonzai Buddy to whisper through my computer speakers: "You know, you can't get to the page anyway and that IS a cool looking shirt" or "come on, you can punch the monkey- it's not like it's HARD; look how slow he's going! You NEED an iPod Shuffle/XBox 360/PS3/Viagra/No Fault Divorce... why not just... punch the monkey?"

2. Money=Bias. No matter how hard you try. If I desperately need money for the electric bill and Namco gives me $6,000 to say Katamari Damacy is better than Jesus on a pony, chances are I'd do it because I have no shame. By not taking money, we don't have to worry about that. If a company sends Grandma a free game to review and she doesn't like it, we're going to tell you. We don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but its a lot better than the electricity being turned off.

3. We like you people. You've been like an extended family for Grandma. Do you like asking for money from your family? I sure as hell don't. To me, ads say "buy this thing because they gave Grandma money, and you like Grandma."

So that brings us back to that smelly sort of fragrance in the air. You want a investment tip? Invest in game companies, independent developers, publishers, console manufacturers and the like, and don't sell until people like Grandma would never be considered for any news program because everyone knows how common it is. It already is common to see someone over 50 game, but through Grandma's publicity- people are beginning to notice. It's a strange sort of cycle that dooms Grandma to obscurity; and she is FINE with that, I tells ya! If it can eliminate the stigma older gamers have had to deal with at electronic retail stores, online, and in doctor's offices, she will gladly give all the attention away. That's why she's so excited about working with MTV. MTV gives her the ability to reach a younger audience who have learned that games were always designed for THEM; the youth. "You know, for kids!"

We're not greedy people; we're just broke! I work as a photographer, Grandma has her Social Security (WHICH, by the way- AP news got us in some trouble over the comment "spends most of her social security check on games;" that's not true- her check goes towards BILLS. If she has a little left over, then maybe she'll spend it on something she likes, and she likes to game, so... yeah) and Mom is really the breadwinner of the household. I'm getting a third job at a gas station down the road to help out more around here with the higher bills. So I suppose that's my crazy, incoherent rant of the week on stocks, advertisements, and the ethics of cash generated from such a website.

Tomorrow- OGHC T-Shirts!! What they look like and how to buy them! We ordered based on your e-mails last week so we know how many, so we'll have about 200. First come first serve starting with tomorrow's instructions, after they're gone- we'll have to wait until we have enough capital again to buy them.

.....Yes. Yes, I realize the irony.

Game on!!

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Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Grandma Makes Fark.com!

We did it. We finally made the prime time; The Great One; the divinity of the internet; home of The Cliché; the website to end all wars; Oceania; Shangri-La; God's own prototype; the heavy-weight champion of squirrel balls and flashing news tags:


There are a handful of websites Grandma frequents, Fark is one of them. I even had a TotalFark account once before $5.00 a month became too much for this ramen-noodle college dweller. Of all the links we've tracked in the past few days since the AP article surfaced on Christmas, this one is by far the most exciting.

It's not so much about the traffic, we recieved far more taffic from Der Spiegel and Business Week then we are from Fark, it's about the TYPE of folks that read Fark that read about Grandma. They understand. Grandma isn't unique as an elderly gamer, we've said this in the past- at least 19% of gamers are over the age of 50 according to the ESRB. Grandma, however, represents the watershed to the electronic entertainment industry that we've all come to learn was inevitable. The readers of Fark seem to get this immediately; and that's a warm and fuzzy feeling. (The Fark community is also fucking cool as hell; by the way. For the most part they're a groovy bunch of people.)

Thanks, Fark. Grandma loves you too.

Game on!

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Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Associated Press Gets Down With The Grandma

An article about Grandma's success by the Associated Press is being syndicated all over the god damn place, and we'd like to hear from you folks! So what are your Grandparents like? Do you intend to be an elderly gamer? ARE you an elderly gamer? Do you think we should burn for all eternity in the deepest pits of hell?

Let us know!

The other thing we'd like to see are some images of some of the papers and television shows Grandma on which Grandma has appeared as a result of the AP piece. So e-mail me a picture of yourself holding up the article and tell us where your from! Quite a few folks e-mailed us asking for an address to send the news clips; this is far less expensive for you.

Grandma is playing the early stages of Dragon Quest VIII at the moment; a game she finds frustrating only because you have one option to save: in a church. So, if you're out in the field and get wiped out for whatever reason, you have to start all over again with some nun breathing down your neck asking if you want to go to confession.

I imagine THAT conversation must be awkward.

Nun - "Do you wish to confess your sins? (Save Game)"

Grandma - "Um... no, I just want to save my game, thanks."

Nun - "You can't save unless you tell me your darkest secrets so that you may be forgiven by the Lord."

Grandma - "Alright... so.... how do we do this?"

Nun - "How long has it been since your last confession?"

Grandma - "I don't know, you're the memory card, you tell me."

Nun - "Go on..."

Grandma - "Alright, I let my buddy here die while fighting Slimes in order to save on items; I blasphemed on SEVERAL ...hundred occasions; I murdered a whole SHITLOAD of little creatures that did nothing but stand in my way between here and the tower, and after I died I came back to this point which technically goes against the dogma of the church, which makes me both a witch and a heretic; I ....um, left the game dialogue box open instead of pausing to get some popcorn, forcing the characters to stare off into space for a while as I divulged in some gluttony; ...I want an XBox 360 so bad I've secretly contemplated world domination to achieve this goal.... shit, what else......? I think that's it."

Nun - "..."

Grandma - "So can I save now?"

Nun - "Press the X button 400 times, recite the SquareEnix 2005 mission statement 37 times and then you can save."

Grandma - "...I fucking HATE this shit. Can't I just get a Final Fantasy type cell phone and use that?"

Nun - ".....No."

Grandma - "Fine, fine....Square Enix endeavors to be the world's leading digital content provider, bringing you dreams and excitement beyond expectation. [X] Square Enix endeavors to be the world's leading digital content provider, bringing you dreams and excitement beyond expectation. [X] Square Enix endeavors....god DAMN this is stupid.....um, endeavors to be the world's leading...."

The woman just wants to save her game, I suppose.

Game on!

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Monday, December 26, 2005

Farewell, Working Designs; Grandma Loved You

Our long time readers will remember the time when Grandma craved a new RPG to destroy, and Victor Ireland of Working Designs came to her aid. She played Growlanser Generations with a vengeance; by GOD did she play; and she played well. It was of no surprise to me, who had seen her elegantly pounce her way through Alundra and the LUNAR series years ago. It's very safe to say she's been a fan long before Vic contacted us.

Now, that company is no more. Vic posted a notice on the message boards at WD that the beloved company is shutting its doors.

Thankfully, there's more to it than that.

First, know that all this went down a little while ago in mid December. Grandma and I really didn't know what to say. We received your panicked e-mails, we saw the post over at The Escapist Lounge, but we couldn't reply with much more than "oh GOD; How could this shit happen!?!" When Grandma read Vic's message, she was heartbroken and confused. It was one thing when Grandma watched SNK die, the only connection she had was the games; besides- they got a second start, in a way. But Working Designs was different. When Vic sent Grandma Growlanser Generations he wasn't looking for press, he was proud of the WORK. He even sent Grandma e-mails about the best online strategy guide to use in case she got stuck; unpublished tricks and strategies that might help her on her journeys.

Grandma considers Vic a friend. So, when Working Designs fell, Grandma went looking for blood. Let's just say she took things personally. One does not fuck with Grandma's favorite gaming companies.

It didn't make sense to us. Growlanser was fantastic, excellent reviews all around; they had a new project opening up with Goeman- so what went wrong? Let me show you Vic's message to WD fans:

First of all, sorry for being incommunicado for such a long time. It's been a busy time, as you'll see.

There's no easy way to say it, so I just will. Working Designs is gone. All the staff has been laid off and the office is closed and has been for some time. Yes, the website is still here, and I am going to do my best to keep it tucked away somewhere on the 'net so it doesn't become an illicit domain. (Of course, some of the haters may be of the mind that it's been illicit all along, heh!).

The most frustrating part of all of this is that I know that our fanbase is still there. Growlanser Generations sold well, but of course not better than it would have sold as two separate titles. We just spent too much time fighting the good fight to even get it out, and other games approved.

Though almost finished and substantially improved from the Japanese release, Goemon is dead for the US, and that was really the final straw. If I can't guarantee that the games I personally choose for us to release in the US can actually get approved and come out, there's no business to be done. There is a possibility that it may be released in Europe (as well as Growlanser Generations), but nothing is finalized yet.

I know many of you will have lots of questions, and there will be some I can answer, and some I can't. Sony has made it clear that they do not want the details of their dealings with any publisher made public. Suffice to say that you would buy what we wanted to sell if we could sell it.

I want to thank each and every one of you personally for being a fan, buying the games we released, and telling your friends. You HAVE made a difference, because you bought the crazy things we did. Thanks to YOU, there are deluxe packs, pack-in soundtracks, better packaging, great hint guides, and better localizations in general. We said it a lot, but it really was true. We were nothing without you.

For the future, there are still great opportunities. I have been in touch with a number of other publishers and manufacturers and I will be working with some of the WD staff to do games for other publishers for the time being, but not as Working Designs. One thing that holds a ton of promise is XBOX 360 RPGs, and I've contacted Microsoft about getting what's underway in Japan out in the US and helping to get more done worldwide. We'll see what happens on that front, but please let them know that YOU WANT MORE JRPGs here. There's some amazing stuff coming for the '360 in Japan, and I know I want it - I think you will, too.

Thanks for everything. It's a tough road ahead for games that aren't of the least-common-denominator variety. The choices you make with your hardware dollars are more important than ever for the generation that is upon us.

With that, I bid all of us...

...Good night, and Good Luck.

So there it is. Did you catch it? There were three things in that message Vic wanted known but could not explicitly say. "Growlanser Generations sold well, but of course not better than it would have sold as two separate titles. We just spent too much time fighting the good fight to even get it out, and other games approved." Thus, Working Designs was FORCED to sell Growlanser II & III together as Growlanser Generations. It was the only way it could have been released. How could they possibly make money if they were not able to sell the games as they wished? It appears that WD did not drive itself off the bridge, as it were; it was a frantic passenger in the back seat of a limo; the glass divider blocking their pleas to slow down as the driver sped into a canyon.

Second item: "Sony has made it clear that they do not want the details of their dealings with any publisher made public." There. If you don't get it yet, the third and final item seals it: "Good night, and Good Luck."

That phrase made my skin go cold. Imagine: you are the director of a gaming company with a deeply loyal fan base. You see your work praised, the numbers look good, but somehow end up in the red on paper-

...and you know why.

You know, and it wasn't because of the incompetency of your accountants or the quality of your staff- it is the most frustrating thing to see everything fall around you; being blameless does not add comfort to the inhuman language spoken by advertising boards. "Marketing phases, demographics, page-ads; not flashy enough; too hardcore; not accessible; too old school; Generation Y doesn't understand; Generation X have become law students and retail managers; demos, magazine interviews, promotion, promotion, people don't want imports, promotion, cover art, promotion, we'll get back to you."

It doesn't long before you just stop listening; these people are not gamers; these people are vultures; your art will fill their wallets far more than it will ever fill yours, and they know it.

You see the end coming; but you have to post a final note to the fans. All the things that need to be said are so difficult to type when done delicately; holding your tongue; watching your words. Imagine how that feels, your phrasing almost like smiling through rage, with just a hint of exhaustion and defeat.

If you had been a fly on the wall of our game room last night you would have seen Grandma playing the demo for Final Fantasy XII trying to get used to the MMO style battles. As she played her most anticipated demo of the year, she only had one thing on her mind, and she made it very clear to me what that was:

"Vic NEEDS to go to Microsoft for help; the 360 is a system that is going to need WD style games to keep a lot of fans who don't feel a high-res ultra-mega version of '50 Cent's Bulletproof' is this shit. Just think- a 360 version of Growlanser! It could be 500hrs long with 75 playable characters, 10000 different types of rings and armor, 22 different endings, and a nudity cheat. If not, at least it would get MADE, and they HAVE to know there are a TON of us that just eat that shit up."

It seems Vic is doing just that (minus the nudity cheat) as he goes into the ether looking for prospects to bring those beautiful games to the US.

Something tells me this is far from over.

Something tells me we are going to see a lot more from Vic Ireland and the former staff of WD.

And so OUR final message is addressed to those who may make the decisions to accept or deny Vic's request for help, and indeed, to Vic himself:

You plan the wars you masters of men plan the wars and point the way and we will point the gun.

Game on.

[More to come: AP spreads Grandma all over the globe; Grandma and Dragon Quest VIII; Grandma and Call of Duty 2: Big Red One; Hate Mail Grab Bag; T-Shirts; etc.,...]

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Friday, December 23, 2005

Holiday Shopping For The DAMNED

We waited until today to go Christmas shopping for a number of reasons this year; the move was our principal excuse for delay, (why buy more things we'll just have to move later, adding to our troubles?) and the second primary reason is- we just don't have a lot of money this year because of the move, and we all sort of feel bad about the inability to get each other much.

Grandma and I knew what we were driving into before we left the house; a solid line of unmoving, red, brake lights divided by morse code of white headlights trickling back from the shopping battlefront- giving us a clear, naval message: "TURN BACK--STOP--NOT WORTH IT--STOP--GET THE BASTARDS GIFT CARDS--STOP."

We went on anyway.

The parking lots at Best Buy and Target in Chapel Hill were filled to capacity, but we have one weapon that few had to match- Grandma. Grandma's knee replacement last March has left her in agony; sleepless nights with a heated pad under her leg are still common. The good thing that came from the surgery is her official Ohio Handicapped Person's parking space in-a-box tag, which she would swipe from the car she usually drives so we could take the van and fit all the little people in the back; FAR in the back where we would not have to hear them. Grandma truly needs that tag, so we thought we wouldn't feel guilty taking it with her as sort of a Grandma bonus.

We forgot the tag.

We dropped Grandma off at the front entrance of the store so she wouldn't have to walk and parked the car off over the horizon and started our way, shopping.

I remember the first time I went Christmas shopping. It was a complete accident. I was at that age where I still dug the whole "Santa" routine; we had gone out to an early dinner with some relatives and then they drove back to the house where presumably they were to drop off certain people and go by themselves. Grandma and Mom, however, forgot I was sleeping in the car- so I was just as thrilled as I imagine they were when I woke up just as they pulled into the mall parking lot screaming "Awesome! We're going shopping!!" (Going to the mall was a big deal for a kid.) Ever since then I've made it sort of a habit to go along and help out with things. Grandma, Mom and I would go Christmas shopping and I knew all the dirty, horrible secrets that the rest of the family wouldn't know for another month.

I was on the goddamn INSIDE, man.

This year, again because of time constraints and income, there are no secrets. All six of us went shopping together, picked out a reasonable thing we wanted in full view, and went home happy. Compared to upper class folks it might seem humble, but in contrast to those without- it was a bounty. I got a set of computer speakers. My ex still has my old ones, and she can keep them; no hard feelings. Grandma got a new quilt; her gaming needs already met by Dana and Melissa, she moved on to "other" things. I got some cable management supplies from RadioShack to make her un-named game room a sense of neatness, and my credit was good enough to finally get my ass a cell phone, a near necessity as a stringer.

I had a beautiful find at Gamestop, a used copy of Final Fantasy Tactics in near perfect condition. It was $12.99 but we were already out of cash.

When Grandma went to Marc's Grocery Store earlier the place was fucking PACKED with people trying to squeeze in hurried consequences of hasty decisions manifested in the honey-glazed ham and bottles of advil and gin in their shopping carts. The lines curved nearly into the center of the store. As Grandma finally approached the check-out lane after a bit of a wait, the cashier takes one look at her and yells loudly: "Hey!! Didn't I see you on TV the other night?!!"

Every head in the whole damn store turns to Grandma like a motherfucking cartoon. It was a single action- just *blink!* and they're all looking at her. Forgetting that gestures only assist sound to travel to the human brain, she waved her arm, shook her head, did that little thing with her finger over her mouth half screaming half whispering "SHHHH!! Shut up! Forget about it!! Let me just get out of here!!" A strange sound of mumbling took over the store like the detective just told the guests that the killer is, in fact, among them. A few words can be picked out of the noise like "...games...Playstation....Xbox......Nintendo....MTV....blog....hardcore..." enough to know she had been clocked by the crowed, recognized and observed.

It was great ;)

She was embarrassed a little of course, but she had fun and a good laugh out of it. It's just Grandma, you know! She still thinks this whole deal is funny as hell.

We got home just a few minutes ago, now 11:45pm on the East Coast, to find two great gifts not under the tree delivered by a fat man in a red coat; rather two, delightfully corrugated cardboard boxes delivered via UPS by, as Grandma likes to believe, a stunningly handsome man, ripped with muscles in brown, UPS issue hot pants.

I don't know what it is with Grandma and dudes in shorts. I may never know.

The first package contained Dragon Quest VIII, dutifully on time from EBGames.com; a gift whose travels we have documented in our last post- the product of a generous gift card from Dana, a long time reader who wanted to spread the holiday joy. You bet your ass you know what Grandma's doing tomorrow.

The second package held a brand-spanking new copy of Melissa et. al's latest piece of awesome- Call of Duty 2: Big Red One. Treyarch and Activision put together one fucking AWESOME game, people; and this is for the XBox, not the 360; so if you're like us and have to wait a few more years of pinching pennies before the Beast is yours, or if you just want to shake your house with a brilliantly crisp FPS, then pick this up NOW. You bet your ass you know what Grandma's doing tomorrow.

Thank you so much, everyone. It was going to be a tight holiday for Grandma, but now: Christmas has come early, and she's not waiting to open her presents.

Except the quilt. If she has to freeze her ass off tonight without it, we don't care; she has got to open SOMETHING under that fucking tree.

Game on!!

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Thursday, December 22, 2005

Grandma's Dragon Quest VIII Adventure in... ACQUIREING DRAGON QUEST VIII!!!!

Oh, if life were like a video game, things would be so simple. A little bit of potion and your clearly marked HP levels climb; wars would be fought by millions of untrained warriors accidentally launching RPG's at their own transport vehicle, only to spawn, unharmed, on the other side of the map to the place to where they were going anyway.

Grandma and I are experiencing just such a bad acid trip moment, as we attempt to obtain a copy of Dragon Quest VIII: Journey of the Cursed King.

Our story begins...

Grandma: Sweet Holy Jesus! Check this shit out!

Tim: What?

Grandma: We got an e-mail from ivorynetsu- I mean Dana!

Dana's Letter: "Dear Grandma and Tim, I got you guys a little somethin-somethin for the holidays to brighten things up a bit. Use it wisely, for if it falls in the wrong hands, it could transform itself into the purest of evil- a game based on the meaningless and uninspired lives of bitch-ass celebrities. Good Luck! -Dana"

You have recieved THE GIFT CARD (50 Gil)

Grandma: Fuck Yeah!!

Tim: So what are you going to use it for?

Grandma: The fuck should I know? There's too many good games out right now. The readers suggest Dragon Quest VIII over Radiata Stories or $50 down on a 360.

Tim: Okay, so Dragon Quest VIII, then?

Grandma: Yeah. Here's a credit card for the shipping, make it happen.

You have received THE CREDIT CARD (balance: 33 Gil)

Tim: Alright.

The order is placed, and the series of events that will change our heroes forever has been set in motion; a shadow of uncertainty falls upon the kingdom, as they begin the long journey across the barren land of State Route 14 to a residence promising more spacious accommodations. The thought always lingers in their minds- "will the game be there at the beginning of the week? Did in fact our change of address forms make it passed the devious clutches of the postal worker that smelled vaguely of Quizno's and arrive safely in the capable hands of data-entry temps?" The move near completion, the internet is once again activated; allowing the proper research to answer their questions.

Tim: There's a message here from EBGames.com

Grandma: And?

Tim: There was a problem with that credit card you gave me, we have to call them to verify something or... something.

Grandma: God DAMMIT! You must have entered the numbers wrong.

Tim: Maybe. The expiration date was tricky, it was a full out number, perhaps I got the month and the day mixed up.

Grandma: Yeah, well you know how to make sure that doesn't happen in the future?

Tim: How?

Grandma: There isn't a "thirty-first" month, is there, stupid?

Tim: [...]

Grandma: You're a genius, you know that? No, I mean it- you're really god damn smart. Do my taxes.

Tim: Sorry, I-

Grandma: Look, just call them up and fix it, okay? Please? I really want that game, dude.

Tim: They didn't hook our phone up yet.

Grandma: Here's a cell phone, but you'll have to watch because the battery is kinda low.

You have received THE CELL PHONE (battery power @ 33%)

Tim: Alright.

The sounds of the phone being dialed echoes off the walls, reassuring Grandma that her request will be complete. Tim's advanced math skills confirm that indeed EBGames.com, while on the West Coast, is open at 5am PST, and it is now 10am in Cleveland; it is safe to call...

Tim: Doedoleedoot do doo...

EBGames.com Robot: "Thank you for calling EBGames.com Customer Service! All of our associates are busy assisting other customers. Your call is extremely important to us, and we will answer calls in the order in which they are received."

Cell Phone Battery Levels @ 32%

Tim: Um... okay.

EBGames.com Robot: ...Tres! Quatorze!! Hallo, Hallo... OLA! I'm in a place called VER-TI-GO!!

Tim: [...]

EBGames.com Robot: It's everything I wish I didn't know, Except YOU... give me SOME THING... I can FEEAL!!

Tim: Jesus GOD, what happened to U2 all of a sudden?

EBGames.com Robot: I can FEE-EEE-ALLLL!!

Tim: ...why can't they play something from Joshua Tree... ...this is AWFUL.

EBGames.com Robot: "Thank you for your patience. Your call is extremely important to us and we will answer calls in the order they are received."

Cell Phone Battery Levels @ 28%

Tim: [...]

EBGames.com Robot: Lights go out and I can't be saved, Tides that I TRIIED to swim against have brought me down upon my KNEES...

Tim: [...]

EBGames.com Robot: ...singing.... YooooouuuuuuuUUUU...ooo......ARRRR!!!

Tim: [...]

EBGames.com Robot: ...singing.... YooooouuuuuuuUUUU...ooo......ARRRR!!!

Cell Phone Battery Levels @ 20%

Tim: [...]

EBGames.com Robot: "Thank you for your patience. Your call is extremely important to us and we will answer calls in the order they are received."

Cell Phone Battery Levels @ 15%

Tim: Christ!

EBGames.com Robot: "Thank you for your patience. Your call is extremely important to us and we will answer calls in the order they are received."

Cell Phone Battery Levels @ 10%

Tim: ...Come on....COME ON.....

EBGames.com Robot: ...singing.... YooooouuuuuuuUUUU...ooo......ARRRR!!!

Tim: ...oh GOD!!!

EBGames.com Girl: Hi! Thanks for calling EBGames.com, my names' Jenna, how can I help you?

Tim: Oh! Hi! Um... we ordered a copy of Dragon Quest VIII online, but it didn't go through because of a credit card I used for shipping charges, and we got this e-mail on Saturday but we didn't really ...GET it on Saturday we got in on Wednesday because I couldn't check e-mail because we moved and-

Cell Phone Battery Levels @ 8%

Tim: ...so then we moved in and had Adelphia hook up the cable because we have ...you know that HIGH SPEED modem she uses for XBox Live and anyway, the e-mail said that if we didn't respond within 24 hours then the order would be canceled and I don't want the fucking order cancelled- okay look: I fucked up. Okay? I said it, there it is, it was ME. I probably put the expiration date in wrong because I'm a god damn moron so if we could just place a new order I can use the gift card that Dana sent us and we can get the game. Grandma really wants that game.

Jenna: ...um, what game was that again?

Tim: Dragon Quest VIII for the Playstation 2.

Jenna: Okay, and what was the order number?

Tim: 47098172394870198273049870918273409879872-001

Jenna: ...and this is going to... the new address, right?

Tim: Yeah. Mantua, OH. It's by Cleveland.

Jenna: Did you change the address for the credit card company too? Because that's what they said was the problem with the order; the address didn't match the contact info on the credit card.

Tim: ....I don't know.

Jenna: Well, let's try the old address for billing.

Cell Phone Battery Levels @ 5%

Tim: But it has to come to the NEW address!!

Jenna: I know, the shipping address isn't changing.

Tim: Okay, okay-- here's the old address.... now will it go through?

Jenna: I won't know right away, let me put it in and see what happens...


Jenna: Just give me one quick moment...

Tim: No! I need to know right away!!

EBGames.com Robot: "Thank you for your patience. Your call is extremely important to us and we will answer calls in the order they are received."

Tim: SHIT!!!


Tim: NOOOOOO!!!!!

Grandma: ....So how did it go? Is it on the way?

Tim: [...]

......Game on!!

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