Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Grandma's Dragon Quest VIII Adventure in... ACQUIREING DRAGON QUEST VIII!!!!

Oh, if life were like a video game, things would be so simple. A little bit of potion and your clearly marked HP levels climb; wars would be fought by millions of untrained warriors accidentally launching RPG's at their own transport vehicle, only to spawn, unharmed, on the other side of the map to the place to where they were going anyway.

Grandma and I are experiencing just such a bad acid trip moment, as we attempt to obtain a copy of Dragon Quest VIII: Journey of the Cursed King.

Our story begins...

Grandma: Sweet Holy Jesus! Check this shit out!

Tim: What?

Grandma: We got an e-mail from ivorynetsu- I mean Dana!

Dana's Letter: "Dear Grandma and Tim, I got you guys a little somethin-somethin for the holidays to brighten things up a bit. Use it wisely, for if it falls in the wrong hands, it could transform itself into the purest of evil- a game based on the meaningless and uninspired lives of bitch-ass celebrities. Good Luck! -Dana"

You have recieved THE GIFT CARD (50 Gil)

Grandma: Fuck Yeah!!

Tim: So what are you going to use it for?

Grandma: The fuck should I know? There's too many good games out right now. The readers suggest Dragon Quest VIII over Radiata Stories or $50 down on a 360.

Tim: Okay, so Dragon Quest VIII, then?

Grandma: Yeah. Here's a credit card for the shipping, make it happen.

You have received THE CREDIT CARD (balance: 33 Gil)

Tim: Alright.

The order is placed, and the series of events that will change our heroes forever has been set in motion; a shadow of uncertainty falls upon the kingdom, as they begin the long journey across the barren land of State Route 14 to a residence promising more spacious accommodations. The thought always lingers in their minds- "will the game be there at the beginning of the week? Did in fact our change of address forms make it passed the devious clutches of the postal worker that smelled vaguely of Quizno's and arrive safely in the capable hands of data-entry temps?" The move near completion, the internet is once again activated; allowing the proper research to answer their questions.

Tim: There's a message here from EBGames.com

Grandma: And?

Tim: There was a problem with that credit card you gave me, we have to call them to verify something or... something.

Grandma: God DAMMIT! You must have entered the numbers wrong.

Tim: Maybe. The expiration date was tricky, it was a full out number, perhaps I got the month and the day mixed up.

Grandma: Yeah, well you know how to make sure that doesn't happen in the future?

Tim: How?

Grandma: There isn't a "thirty-first" month, is there, stupid?

Tim: [...]

Grandma: You're a genius, you know that? No, I mean it- you're really god damn smart. Do my taxes.

Tim: Sorry, I-

Grandma: Look, just call them up and fix it, okay? Please? I really want that game, dude.

Tim: They didn't hook our phone up yet.

Grandma: Here's a cell phone, but you'll have to watch because the battery is kinda low.

You have received THE CELL PHONE (battery power @ 33%)

Tim: Alright.

The sounds of the phone being dialed echoes off the walls, reassuring Grandma that her request will be complete. Tim's advanced math skills confirm that indeed EBGames.com, while on the West Coast, is open at 5am PST, and it is now 10am in Cleveland; it is safe to call...

Tim: Doedoleedoot do doo...

EBGames.com Robot: "Thank you for calling EBGames.com Customer Service! All of our associates are busy assisting other customers. Your call is extremely important to us, and we will answer calls in the order in which they are received."

Cell Phone Battery Levels @ 32%

Tim: Um... okay.

EBGames.com Robot: ...Tres! Quatorze!! Hallo, Hallo... OLA! I'm in a place called VER-TI-GO!!

Tim: [...]

EBGames.com Robot: It's everything I wish I didn't know, Except YOU... give me SOME THING... I can FEEAL!!

Tim: Jesus GOD, what happened to U2 all of a sudden?

EBGames.com Robot: I can FEE-EEE-ALLLL!!

Tim: ...why can't they play something from Joshua Tree... ...this is AWFUL.

EBGames.com Robot: "Thank you for your patience. Your call is extremely important to us and we will answer calls in the order they are received."

Cell Phone Battery Levels @ 28%

Tim: [...]

EBGames.com Robot: Lights go out and I can't be saved, Tides that I TRIIED to swim against have brought me down upon my KNEES...

Tim: [...]

EBGames.com Robot: ...singing.... YooooouuuuuuuUUUU...ooo......ARRRR!!!

Tim: [...]

EBGames.com Robot: ...singing.... YooooouuuuuuuUUUU...ooo......ARRRR!!!

Cell Phone Battery Levels @ 20%

Tim: [...]

EBGames.com Robot: "Thank you for your patience. Your call is extremely important to us and we will answer calls in the order they are received."

Cell Phone Battery Levels @ 15%

Tim: Christ!

EBGames.com Robot: "Thank you for your patience. Your call is extremely important to us and we will answer calls in the order they are received."

Cell Phone Battery Levels @ 10%

Tim: ...Come on....COME ON.....

EBGames.com Robot: ...singing.... YooooouuuuuuuUUUU...ooo......ARRRR!!!

Tim: ...oh GOD!!!

EBGames.com Girl: Hi! Thanks for calling EBGames.com, my names' Jenna, how can I help you?

Tim: Oh! Hi! Um... we ordered a copy of Dragon Quest VIII online, but it didn't go through because of a credit card I used for shipping charges, and we got this e-mail on Saturday but we didn't really ...GET it on Saturday we got in on Wednesday because I couldn't check e-mail because we moved and-

Cell Phone Battery Levels @ 8%

Tim: ...so then we moved in and had Adelphia hook up the cable because we have ...you know that HIGH SPEED modem she uses for XBox Live and anyway, the e-mail said that if we didn't respond within 24 hours then the order would be canceled and I don't want the fucking order cancelled- okay look: I fucked up. Okay? I said it, there it is, it was ME. I probably put the expiration date in wrong because I'm a god damn moron so if we could just place a new order I can use the gift card that Dana sent us and we can get the game. Grandma really wants that game.

Jenna: ...um, what game was that again?

Tim: Dragon Quest VIII for the Playstation 2.

Jenna: Okay, and what was the order number?

Tim: 47098172394870198273049870918273409879872-001

Jenna: ...and this is going to... the new address, right?

Tim: Yeah. Mantua, OH. It's by Cleveland.

Jenna: Did you change the address for the credit card company too? Because that's what they said was the problem with the order; the address didn't match the contact info on the credit card.

Tim: ....I don't know.

Jenna: Well, let's try the old address for billing.

Cell Phone Battery Levels @ 5%

Tim: But it has to come to the NEW address!!

Jenna: I know, the shipping address isn't changing.

Tim: Okay, okay-- here's the old address.... now will it go through?

Jenna: I won't know right away, let me put it in and see what happens...


Jenna: Just give me one quick moment...

Tim: No! I need to know right away!!

EBGames.com Robot: "Thank you for your patience. Your call is extremely important to us and we will answer calls in the order they are received."

Tim: SHIT!!!


Tim: NOOOOOO!!!!!

Grandma: ....So how did it go? Is it on the way?

Tim: [...]

......Game on!!


  • At 10:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Truly excellent stuff. You can go on for a couple of weeks with that.

    Merry Christmas to you and your Grandma.

  • At 1:05 AM, Anonymous Frank said…

    Man that was the most hilarious post ever!

    Using the face pictures and RPG messages was just pure gold!

  • At 1:45 AM, Anonymous Anne Packrat said…

    Good lord, give me the card, and I'll buy the F-ing thing for you, AND hand deliver it.

    Oh, btw, my husband grew up in Mantua. There's a great orchard (Pine Trail I think?) out there he just took me too.

  • At 4:06 AM, Anonymous Jonas, Norway said…

    I've been sunscribing to this blog since you were in Dagbladet.no earier this year. This is excellent shit, Tim. You clearly have a skill for writing. One of the best OGHC-posts ever. Lol litterarily.

  • At 7:59 AM, Anonymous Jayboogie12 said…

    "Grandma: You're a genius, you know that? No, I mean it- you're really god damn smart. Do my taxes."

    LOL! That was the best part of the whole entry. Hey Tim, it's ok. Moving can be tough. Tell Grandma to take it easy on you. By the way, when you're done with her taxes you can come do mine. j/k


  • At 12:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hilarious!! Tim, you are truly excellent with your posts. I love the way you write. I work in the Resorts and Lodging business, and this time of year, the front desk is really slow, well, actually it's utterly boring. The first thing I do every morning is log onto My Yahoo and check your site for any new posts. It's the perfect way to start out my day. I wanted to say thanks for giving me something to look forward to when the rest of the web just continues to repeat itself with the same ol' crap. And Grandma, you're amazing. My paternal grandma was a great woman, or so I thought, until I discovered a very evil secret. My maternal grandma passed before I was born, but my step father's mother was the closest thing I've ever had to a grandma, and she just passed this summer. This leads me to say that Grandma, whether hardcore or not, you are simply awesome! I wish I knew you personally, as you seem to be a truly astounding woman, who is not only down to earth, but strong willed and intelligent. Merry Christmas, and may 2006 bring you all the happiness you deserve in life and gaming. On a final note, have you ever played the game Primal? If so, what are your thoughts?
    Jen B.

  • At 1:53 PM, Blogger Leci said…

    Hilarious. xD I am half asleep and that is still hilarious.

  • At 2:10 PM, Blogger Becky said…

    Ha ha ha ha ha!

    Oh, and I'm totally with you on U2. Hey, Bono! Counting "one, two, three, fourteen!" sounds just as stupid in Spanish as it does in English.

  • At 2:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Grandma will get Dragon Quest eventually. Goodluck with that.
    Long time reader.

  • At 4:37 PM, Blogger ivorynetsuke said…

    OMG I think this is the funniest post I've read so far ...

    And here I thought I was making things easier ;D


  • At 9:34 AM, Blogger Pammie said…

    Hi Tim and Granny!
    Heard your story today (Xmas day) on the news. I'm a 51 year old gamer and intend to game forever. My favorite is the GTA series!!! So glad I'm not alone out here in game land. Like you gaming keeps me young and very well entertained. So cool that you are working with MTV! Keep it up and hope you get that game you want!

  • At 1:17 PM, Blogger Faith said…

    I stumbled across your blog because of the story being listed on my google page. I'm extremely glad I did. This was hilarious, I loved how you used the pictures and put it in a gaming format for this post. I haven't read the others yet since I'm at work, but I'll definately be coming back!!!

  • At 2:09 PM, Blogger John W said…

    Great Game DQ VIII, I also just got it and started playing a few weeks ago. Hopefully Grandma will get it soon, I'll check in and see how her adventure is going in a couple weeks.

    Great story btw. Well done

  • At 6:34 PM, Anonymous Samantha said…

    ROFLMAO just found your blog and omg I'm so there ... gotta see if I can find Grandma's take on FFXI xo to Tim and Grannie

  • At 1:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I just discovered Grandma after seeing her on M.T.V., I really just want to say she rocks and Game On Grandma!

  • At 2:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Wow, that was just about the funniest post yet. Hope it works out with the game!

  • At 2:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Great Recreation DQ VIII, Furthermore, Buy GW2 Goldi just became the item along with started enjoying a little while back. Hopefully Grandmother are certain to get the item rapidly, I'll check in and discover how the woman's journey is certainly going Buy RS Goldwithin a couple weeks.


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