Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Grandma Touches XBox 360, Bursts Into Flames

Grandma got to play an XBox 360 today, albeit in a WalMart; arching her neck in grotesque angles to see the screen above. She has concluded that the 360 shall be hers, whatever the consequence, be it a stint in the women's ward of a county (or federal if need be) prison for falsifying documents and crimes against humanity, or possibly the sale of any number of limbs or organs to a Colombian fellow named "Steve."

Here's how it went down. We had to leave the house for a couple hours while the realtors showed our magnificent suburban palace to potential suburbanites (we're selling the house to buy another.) Grandma asked if we were all hungry, to which responded "fuck YES." We drove to Steak and Shake in Streetsboro and proceeded to all make highly specialized paper airplanes out of our nifty placemats and (accidentally) dogfight with the staff of the restaurant. We tipped well.

With still an hour to go, we schlepped our way across the street to WalMart so Grandma could play the new 360 kiosk demo. Across the customer service desk at the entrance was a dry erase board with some photos attached which was titled, I shit you not, "Costum Juding." One of the awards was for "Most Scariest." It was then we came to our senses and realized that indeed, we were in a WalMart. We stood by the board and laughed a long and hearty laugh, not unlike pirates answering the question "...so, will the Captain show me mercy?"

The five of us ran as though the Higbees Santa awaited our arrival in the electronics department to find a flat screen panel deliver the most horrible message in digital floating dialogue box form: "Signal Not Found | Check Connection." There it was, the XBox 360 gathering dust in the glass cabinet; the controller jutting out of the cabinet eager to be used, and a black television screen above declaring its impotence for all to see.

We asked the employees in a calm and rational way indicative of the very word 'civility' why the 360 was not operational. "HEY! Why doesn't this work?? I want it to WORK! Can you make it work? PLEASE?! Grandma must PLAY!!" The lady looked at us with the eyes of a hardened warrior; she had answered this many times before.
"I'm sorry, the rep didn't give us the right cables, we have to wait."

We all reacted as kids do when they discover that no, they can NOT go to Kevin's party, they're grades were not sufficient. If there had been a rock on the ground in the path between the exit and our van, we would have kicked it with a strong "Shucks" or "Jeez" to alleviate the pain.

Then Grandma told us her idea. "Look, this was just one WalMart that had the cable thing screwed up. Let's go to the Aurora WalMart and play THAT one."

And so drive we did. Streetsboro and Aurora are right next to each other in the grand scheme of things. Who cares that gas prices force the stockpile of Ramen Noodle soup in the cupboard to slowly disappear, one brick at a time?

Grandma must play.

The Aurora WalMart is positioned across the street from a large amusement park, formerly a SixFlags / Sea World combo happy fun world, now closed for winter. Nothing in that huge monstrosity of a park interests Grandma in the least. The multicolored steel roller coasters make an impressive skyline of artificial mountains under a grey November sky, but Grandma only wants that which rests across the street.


This WalMart had a fully operational 360 tucked away in the a corner of it's electronics department, and Grandma immediately went to work, judging everything. Most impressive to Grandma was King Kong, the two playable demos provided by Ubisoft were fantastic, although it just isn't the same without surround sound when the T-Rex turns a corner to find your sorry ass with a film crew.

Grandma then played Kameo, which looked like Jax and Daxter 3 with graphics so crisp, you'd swear someone had slipped LCD into your Cherry Coke Slurpee. The controls were smooth and easy to learn, the story had a touch of humor and a hint of evil that just BECKONS Grandma. It was then Grandma submitted her proposed business arrangement with Satan. She would HAVE to own one of these.

She watched Bobby play some Kameo, me play some GhostRecon, all the while Kenny lost his dignity hammering away at Mario Baseball on the GameCube next to us; the crowd completely ignoring his ineptitude. Then we watched some videos, most impressive was Project Gotham Racing 3.

Grandma was astounded. It may seem strange or naive to see her looking up at the screen as though watching the announcement that an end to all war had been successfully negotiated, but this is what Grandma does. This is to what Grandma looks forward. This is Grandma doing what she loves.

One day, she will have one. Oh yes.

Game on.


  • At 6:59 PM, Blogger HandOverFist said…

    Yea it wasn't working at the Walmart we went to either. Bastards...so we just pressed the buttons on the controller and acted impressed at the amazing black screen's graphics. Oh well...

  • At 7:11 PM, Blogger DY357LX said…

    Yeah the Xbox 360 is gonna rock.

    Over here in lovely England we have to wait until December 2nd to get hold of one. I visit the xbox site everyday and look at their integrated "Countdown" clock thingy to see how many days, hours, minutes and seconds are left.

    I've pre-order my Premium package (harddrive, wireless pads, etc) along with Perfect Dark Zero and i was so excited by PDZ that I went and purchased the soundtrack from Amazon.co.uk too! (Released on Dec 8th.)

    I think i'll treat myself to Kameo and Dead Rising for Christmas.

    Oh and, Elder Scrolls : Oblivion has been delayed :(

    A good site to look at for 360 info (FAQ's etc) is http://www.teamxbox.com/


  • At 9:58 PM, Anonymous rpm said…

    I want one, just not as bad as grandma. MS screwed the pooch with the first rev of the first XBox (Power Supply, DVD drives), so I'm going to wait a rev (and a price drop) or two.

    There's no gotta have games for me yet, Oblivion is the closest. Until MS makes up it's mind what's going to happen with the HD-DVD, that's another sticking point too.

  • At 10:49 PM, Anonymous Marco said…

    I bet grandma is going to receive a free X360 from Microsoft.

  • At 12:35 AM, Anonymous Stacy said…

    Oh Man, I work at Strawberries and I got to be the first to play our display xbox 360 and it was amazing! Everything was so smooth and crisp...ahhh...I don't know if it is like this anywhere else but in Rhode Island, if you didn't preorder a 360, you won't get one until atleast January. I plan on waiting until the price goes down a bit, but hopefully I'll be able to enjoy it through grandma, as soon as she gets hers. =)

    I agree that Grandma should and probably will get a free one.

  • At 1:11 AM, Anonymous Blue said…

    If Grandma does not get a free Xbox 360, there is no justice in this world.

    At the very least, WE will MAKE it happen. FOR OGHC!

    GAME ON!


  • At 7:47 AM, Blogger Jakanden said…

    I personally have no interest in the 360. None of the (exclusive) launch titles impress me and I was never a fan of the original X-box heh

  • At 9:37 AM, Anonymous posterboard said…

    I only want it for Dead or Alive 4. I wish I could get a free one so I wouldn't have to spend a thousand dollars or whatever fucking ridiculous amount they want me to spend just to play one game. D:

  • At 1:34 PM, Anonymous Anne Packrat said…

    What kind of shakes you all get? I love Steak and Shake. One of the best damn things about Ohio.

  • At 2:59 PM, Blogger Ray "Raedien" Devine said…

    Standard cookies and cream for me at ol' S'n'S. I love their chili too...

    As for the Xbox360, meh, not really interested. I'm too busy with school and my gameboys.


    (Way too poor to be buying consoles.)

  • At 6:58 PM, Blogger pepeslife said…

    You all lucky, its launch in mexico is february 2 =P.

  • At 7:46 PM, Blogger Drew said…

    *rushes out door and goes to walmart* -hell yea!

  • At 4:18 AM, Anonymous nikki said…

    I want a 360, but I don't want:

    1) To give Bill Gates any more of my money. Apple household here, yar! Take that Gates, you capitalist pig-dog! Yar! Ahoy mateys, I've suddenly turned into a pirate.

    2) To have to sell my spleen to buy one.

    Of course, I've probably also given Sony too much of my money, when I think about it.

    Maybe I'll just be a vicarious XBoxer through this site . . . Float like a butterfly, game like a bee . . .

  • At 9:38 AM, Anonymous CmdrSlack said…

    Damn, it's good that I just picked up a consulting gig that pays $800/wk. Yeah, it's not a ton of dough, but it's for 8 hours/wk as well, so whatever.

    Now I have to figure out a way to convince my fiancee that we need one. Hell, I slept in a drawer for the first four months of my life, so we don't NEED a crib. Right?

    Well, maybe I could convince her that it's to help the almost-here kid build eye-hand coordination and problem-solving skills. And to train him/her to KILL!

  • At 11:22 AM, Blogger Kirvi said…

    Ahem. Perhaps if we were able to purchase attire featuring OGHC, like maybe in the form of TSHIRTS!! then a nice little nest-egg of 360 slush-fund could be accumulating right now. Or maybe not. It's an idea.

    : )

  • At 2:57 PM, Blogger CtrlAltDelete said…


    $800 a week? For 8 hours?? My God man! Are you a Gotti family attorney?

    Well done! :)

  • At 9:01 PM, Anonymous MystifyVA said…

    I'm with Kirvi... All I want for Xmas is a OGHC tshirt....

  • At 12:24 AM, Anonymous Mookers182 said…

    yah.. the boy and i played the demo kiosk at target. we never had any intentions of owning one, but after playing the 360 shall be ours one day... when the price goes down.. hah

    the controllers actually fit in my hand!

  • At 5:44 AM, Anonymous Hennry said…

    I reallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreally want a 360 ut i'll have to save up for like two years to get one. :,(

  • At 7:32 PM, Blogger kool guy said…

    ha u suck but,i did have to sell my x800xl 256 pcie grapics card to get it,that wasnt that smart but im lazy and didnt feel like saving up that much money to get 1.

  • At 7:34 PM, Blogger kool guy said…


    xbox360= $400

  • At 12:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Therefore drive we did. Streetsboro and also cheap D3 GoldAurora tend to be appropriate alongside each other in the awesome scheme of things. That cares for you of which propane price ranges force the particular stockpile associated with Ramen Noodle soups from the cupboard in order to little by littleGW gold vanish, a single large rock at any given time?


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