Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Hours And Hours And Hours of Growlanser

At this point, sitting at the computer typing, I can tell which characters are chiming in after a battle, what attacks Grandma uses against her foes, and out of habit I tap along to the fight songs. Grandma has conditioned me into complete Growlanser appreciation.

She's close to finishing the game, according to the chapter list on GameFAQs, but at the moment this is all she does. She has Beyond Good And Evil for the XBox she hasn't really touched yet, not to mention Sly Cooper 3 that has now fallen to completion by two of the kids and mom. "Not until I'm done with this one..." she tells me while switching on XBox Live to play Poker.

She's using the teleportation magic a LOT, and she hasn't lost a battle for days. Occasionally she'll ask my opinion about her Ring / Gem configuration, but I never need to correct anything or give her suggestions, and she interprets this as LIES.

Grandma - "So, because she has the best indirect attack at the moment, I should leave her in the back with a Cycle Up and cure those with swords when I need, right?"
Me - "Yup."
Grandma - "And there is nothing I need to change, all of their rings are good..."
Me - "You have the best set up right now."
Grandma - "..."
Me - "What?"
Grandma - "What aren't you telling me?"
Me - "What? Nothing! What do you mean?"
Grandma - "I'm going to get a Mission Clear or Mission Fail instead of complete and you're going to sit their laughing because I didn't do something. What?"
Me - "Come on, why would I do that?"
Grandma - "See?! I can't tell if you're being sarcastic!"

It's a tough road.

Grandma loves that a character is named "Viktor Hugo," and he has a German / Hungarian / Polish / Standard Foreign Guy accent, but not a hint of French. She also has the tendency to call Monika, very obviously a female character, the "knives dude." Upon correction, she tells me "in anime all the guys look like chicks anyway, it doesn't matter!" She also refers to Slayn as "Sven."

Her last bout went from about 1:00pm to ...well, she's still playing (she went to the store this morning.) Last night it was sometime after 6:00pm to 2:30am, then after a quick nap (her neck hurt a little) she played some more until sunrise, which is ominously happening later and later nowadays. Yesterday we chopped up seven pumpkins and grinded up the meat to make pies, and god dammit we have too much pumpkin. If we can figure out how to ship them, we were thinking of sending MTV, CBS, Ubisoft, Surreal, Microsoft, and Working Designs each a pumpkin pie.

Maybe one to Jack Thompson too, just as a sign of good faith. Knowing Thompson, however, he'd just hire some local kid to taste it first so he knows it isn't poisoned.

In other news, we're STILL getting a lot of e-mail about the Chris Crawford deal, and everyone has a right to an opinion so no problems there. We've just been so busy with stuff (SECRET, HORRIBLE things that will reveal themselves in time) we haven't had a chance to reply to his grand essay on how he has faced his martyrdom at the hands of all of us at Old Grandma Hardcore with any clarity. Luckily, someone else did. That someone, is Thomas.


  • At 6:15 PM, Blogger HandOverFist said…

    I know you got a lot of games on your slate right now but you guys should look into The Path of Neo. Every time I pick it up the only thing that gets me to put it down is dinner or school and that sleep thing sometimes.

  • At 2:22 AM, Anonymous nikki said…

    Thomas' reply to Crapford is fantabulous.

    I also liked the link to the pic on CC's lame-o website that was in the comment section following the article.

    Even before one actually sees the stupid pic, the labeling tells us everything we need to know about how Crawford really views women:


    What a jerkoff.

    And somebody needs to tell him that Erasmus would never have worn such an awful pink shirt with a black backpack and a lameass Indiana-Jones-wannabe hat, to boot..

  • At 3:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    So, the guy has written some stuff about gaming, starting earlier than many. And he went and got himself a Masters in Physics in 1975. Whoop de doo. I've got a Masters in CS, and about half my friends have Masters in CS, Physics, Electrical Engineering, Comparitive Literature, Classics, etc. Hell, my father, who took a 20 year hiatus between his Sophomore and Junior years of undergrad, picked up a Masters, and my wife's mother has a Masters, while her father has a PhD.

    Wow, Chris is so gosh darn educated. Whatever will we do if he stops writing bullshit ?

  • At 12:09 PM, Blogger Collin said…

    That's what worries me about Growlanser. As much as I would love to give it a try, I know that I don't have the time to commit. At least Grandma is rockin' it out. I think she'll enjoy Beyond Good & Evil when she gets to it. I certainly did.

    It's amusing that she can't tell when you are being sarcastic.

  • At 8:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I may be wrong, he might be some sort of celebrity or something, but its just a theory. Perhaps this Crawford guy is really around twelve or so, talking down to children in that one particular statement to make it look as though he was older? But it doesnt matter. I know a guy in my school named Brandon Crawford that got a .87 GPA this quarter, mauybe they're related. Im in 8th grade, just to clarify.

  • At 12:44 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I am aware you Buy Diablo 3 goldhave lots of online games on the standing at this time however, you fellas need to look in the Path regarding Neo. Every time I actually pick it up the sole thing that gets me personally to put the idea lower is an evening meal or even classesBillig Gw2 Gold which rest matter often.


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