Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Grandma's Birthday Party; My Hangover

Grandma hates when we throw her parties. Our PO Box post resulted in a LOT of birthday cards and presents from folks all over the world; many of you sent her some really kind messages and packages! We're going to showcase some tomorrow for yas; she loved them! Our plans to throw her a party, however, were discovered when she checked my e-mail to find correspondence entitled "Re: Strippers! I need STRIPPERS!!!" Sadly, I couldn't book a stripper soon enough for Saturday.

My quest to provide Grandma with live, clothes-free entertainment blew our cover. Sorry about that. We had a small, intimate celebration Wednesday night with a cake and cards from those of us here at the house.

On Saturday, however, we had an all out family wide party. With booze. I survived to tell the tale.

In the days between Wednesday and Saturday, Grandma would remind me of the wrath that would ensue should we "try anything funny."

"You better not be fucking planning anything. I'll KILL you."

"If you people think we're going to do something Saturday, you are WRONG. I won't even BE there. I'll go SHOPPING or something."

"You think I don't know what's going on- I KNOW. You think I was born yesterday, I know you're up to something."

"Oh, gee! Look at that! I got a birthday card! From a reader. I wonder how they got our address. Yes, I WONDER. I THINK ABOUT IT A LOT."

You get the idea.

Thursday Grandma picked up a little birthday present for herself: Guitar Hero for the PS2. There is a whole lot to say about Guitar Hero and Grandma; but for the purposes of THIS post, let's just say it was the center of attention for about 13 straight hours Saturday. At any given time from about 1:00pm EST to the end the madness, SOMEONE was jamming.

Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself, let me start at the beginning of the party.

We set up many of the cards you sent her as well as some of the press she's obtained recently. (More to come on ESPN and others, by the way.) Mom set up the trays of food and I picked up the pizza; three large pepperoni sheet pizzas that are now digesting in the stomachs of many. The guests arrived in turn; folks from all over- people she hasn't seen in ages, people from out of state, the usual suspects, everybody. Her daughters and sons were there, as were most of their children, and I began to feel the house fill up quickly.

So I thought about how to make the experience a little more pleasurable; something to take the edge off of the thirty simultaneous conversations; something to make me happy.

I found it:

Needless to say, things get a little warm and hazy after that. So here's a progressively intoxicated photo-essay on the party.

We have a strange family. We all have our place under Grandma's tyrannical rule. Josh's place appears to be "crazy person."

Grandma's office had almost reached full capacity for folks waiting their turn to play Guitar Hero, and also to call those currently playing "weak pussies" who "wouldn't know rock and roll if Jimmy Page shat in their mouths," whatever that means. Pretty much everyone loved the game, and after an initial shaming as they get used to the controls, we all got the hang of it; each of us choosing songs we knew at a greater level of difficulty each turn. Grandma's current favorite is "Ziggy Stardust" because the song is "pretty."

EVERYBODY loves Guitar Hero, goddammit!

We did the whole boring "70" cake Wednesday, so this time around we got a cake that more accurately defined Grandma's character; something that portrayed the moment in these, her autumnal years of reflection.

If I told you what she wished for, she'd NEVER get a gold plated PSP delivered by a muscular, naked, oiled-down rich gentleman! Thems the rules, I guess.

Bobby doesn't know which part of the cake to eat. Bobby is a goddamned idiot. I blame the schools.

At this point I was up to six Jager shots and a glass of wine. These are some people... or something.

Here's a quick camera lesson. The Nikon D100 has three settings; "A" for Aperture Priority, in which Depth of Field usually takes dominance; "S" for Shutter Priority, so you can set speed first and compensate light later; and "P" for Program, in which the camera just does whatever the fuck it wants to do. I usually have it set to "A," but there really is no setting for "Drunk." Here's hoping the D200 has the feature.

For instance: what the hell is THIS? It could be a member of the family, it could be a grizzly bear. I don't know.

With the kids still fixated on besting each others high scores playing Guitar Hero, a bunch of us decided it would be a great idea to drink a few more glasses of wine and take Grandma out to play Bingo. Because she was the only one who could still identify which car was ours (she only had a glass of Kahlua at this point), she drove.

It turns out bingo is now usually played using tabletop computer systems plus the traditional nine-card pad. Video games are infiltrating every aspect of society. We're on the rise, motherfucker!! Woooooo!!!!! I hit soon after this shot of my uncle, but I had to split the winnings four ways. I just gave it to Grandma, anyway.

This photo illustrates all that is good in the world.

When we got home, we all played Guitar Hero until sometime this morning... I think. The sun was up when I finally went to bed.

Grandma had a ball ;)

We have LOTS to talk about!! Grandma's presents, DS games, XBox 360 games, PS2 games, ESPN, AARP, and much, much more. Right now, however, I'm going to continue sitting in a dark room with sunglasses and ear-plugs until the POUNDING STOPS.

Game on!!!


  • At 9:54 PM, Blogger Shawn Jones said…

    Happy to hear about the good time you had. Congrats on the b-day Gramma! By the way, what did Gramma think of the FF demo that came with DragonQuest?

  • At 10:01 PM, Blogger Brinstar said…

    Happy birthday! I'm glad you had fun!

  • At 2:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Grandma likes guitar hero too! merry birthday to you grandma, YOU are my hero!

  • At 6:17 PM, Blogger Minona said…

    Happy Birthday :D

  • At 7:37 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    FYI, no comment link on the most recent entry, about the new episode of OverDrive. Also, biatch out MTV for being Micro$oft centric. They need to have love for teh Firefox.

  • At 11:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I couldn't place my comment on the newest entry, so I will throw it here.

    I've been waiting to see that for the longest time. I wish they would have given her a lot more time than what she got. I find her insights a lot more credible than 36 mafia or whatever. I actually picked up the Fatal Frame series on the reccomendation of OGHC. My girlfriend and I are actually taking a vacation to Cleveland this summer, it will be pretty cool to be in the same city as OGHC.

    Also, happy birthday OGHC.

  • At 9:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Man. I want a birthday like that! ::grin::

    ::hug:: I'm so happy things went so well. I wish you guys the very happiest of times, and all kinds of goodness.

    Less gibberish-ey post later. For now - HUUUUUUUUUUUUGS!

    Take care, be well, GAME ON!


  • At 3:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hi Tim,

    Please tell Grandma I wish her a belated "Happy Birthday!" I enjoyed watching her on the G-Hole. Hope you and Grandma are doing well!

    -Video Game Pianist

  • At 2:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

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  • At 2:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    xupa mother Buy GW2 Goldpixa velha .daqui a couplebuy D3 items dias vou some sort of tua cona qui ta toda aberta percebestebuy D3 Gold to queres que les p na cona sua vaca badalhoca .howdy whore vamos para cama minha puta signifiant merda


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