It's A God Damn Wild World Out There...

A lot of folks recommended the Animal Crossing series to Grandma. Good people. FINE people. People who, if you met them on the street would probably be pleasant and cordial and friendly. People with jobs. Intelligent people. People with dark, terrible secrets in their past. People who know the location of no fewer than three decomposing bodies in the woods by the local Wendy's.

The game is sort of like a "dialogue only" version of Psychonauts to Grandma. She waited with a confused look on her face for something to HAPPEN, only to find that her character needed to go to work to pay mortgage. Look, Grandma's RETIRED. Why the hell would she want to deliver FURNITURE?

In Animal Crossing: Wild World, Grandma found herself trapped in a post nuclear winter dystopia in which a new race of animal-humanoid hybrids live, work and pay taxes. They invite Grandma, apparently the only "genetically pure" human for miles, to stay in their midst in an apparent move to further promote successful integration through controlled breeding and pacification through a capitalist system of acquiring furniture and clothes; quietly replacing the "self actualization" section of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs with the desire for a new couch.

Grandma named her character "Dr. Beej."

The DS presents a challenge for me to find out exactly what Grandma's doing in a game. Instead of watching a big ass screen, listening to her bitch, then posting about it, I have to come right out and ask her "so.... what are you doing now?" The first thing Grandma noticed is the primal behaviors of the animals has been swapped with polite conversation. This game really teaches you what's important in the life.

Me - "So what's going on in Animal Crossing?"

Grandma - "I just moved in to this town, and then I went to work, but I forgot to change into my work clothes so I got bitched out about it, then I had to deliver this fucking PACKAGE but she wasn't home, so I had to go LOOKING for her ass."

Me - "Do you like it?"

Grandma - "I don't know yet."

[30 minutes later]

Grandma - "I don't WANT to give you a stupid GIFT! I NEED THAT! I don't even understand why you have to be FRIENDS with this bitch, it's not like the relationship is worth it."

[10 minutes later]

Me - "So what are you doing now?"

Grandma - "Well, I found this museum, but it doesn't have anything in it."

Me - "Yeah, I think you have to buy things and then 'donate' them to the museum.

Grandma - "WHY!?"

Me - "Think of it like a trophy room, to show off your riches for the good of the community."

Grandma - "That's BULLSHIT. Why should I have to do every fucking thing?!"

Me - "Because you're the human, and they are the animals, and that makes you superior somehow."

Grandma - "This game is RACIST."

Me - "No, they're ANIMALS."

Grandma - "Yeah, nice little way of putting it isn't it?"

Me - "Are you suggesting that Animal Crossing is nothing but a socialist caste system in which the rich are necessary yet exploited?"

Grandma - "....Yes."

Me - "How do you figure?"

Grandma - "Well, I move into this town, right? And they already have their shit together- they have a mail system, telephones and mass communications, and free fruit in the trees that anyone can take and eat if they just shake it."

Me - "Okay."

Grandma - "But look at the museum. There isn't anything there. They have this building that they have decided will be used as a museum but they don't have anything to put inside it, and they ALSO leave this rinky-dink shit hole house for me to stay in."

Me - "What are you getting at?"

Grandma - "The animals have everything they need to LIVE, but they need a human for CULTURE."

Me - "You might be on to something."

[30 minutes later]

Grandma - "Alright, I got another one for you."

Me - "Shoot."

Grandma - "Their LANGUAGE."

Me - "What do you mean?"

Grandma - "Well, when they speak, I SEE the subtitles, but I HEAR jibberish. When I write or talk to them, I SEE AND HEAR the letters pronounced correctly."

Me - "So?"

Grandma - "It's as though their saying I'm the only one who can speak properly."

Me - "Hmmm."

Grandma - "Or think about the occupations of some of the characters. The guy who owns the store is a Raccoon, right? Raccoons are nature's thieves. They're also 'nocturnal.'"

Me - "Okay."

Grandma - You can't say that doesn't MEAN something."

Me - "Maybe."

Grandma - "Or look at the mayor! The mayor is a fucking TURTLE. Turtles can put their heads in their shells and IGNORE the rest of the world."

Me - "Just like politicians?"

Grandma - "Exactly."

Me - "Alright, what about the Duck?"

Grandma - "What duck?"

Me - "The duck at the post office."

Grandma - "A duck's a duck. That doesn't mean shit. What I'm curious about it the sisters that make the clothes."

Me - "Why?"

Grandma - "How old do you think they are?"

Me - "So you're saying.... sweatshop?"

Grandma - "Fucking A."

Me - "So let me get this straight. Animal Crossing represents a microcosm of the current Global Economic history, where you, the HUMAN, represent the Western ideals of capitalism and expansion of European religion and culture, and the ANIMALS represent the natives who require you to teach them the ways of the world, even though they are capable and educated in their own right. And thus, it's ethnocentric and evil."

Grandma - "Not exactly."

Me - "Okay, so the ANIMALS represent the working class, who can get by on their own, understand technology enough and enjoy life, but you, the HUMAN, represent Andrew Carnegie, and you have to buy them some libraries otherwise they'll never learn?"

Grandma - "No."

Me - "The HUMAN represents The First World, the ANIMALS represent the third world, and Animal Crossing tries to submit the fallacy that the two systems can work in harmony without anyone being too upset."

Grandma - "....Yes. It's more like that one."

Me - "So, do you like it?"

Grandma - "No, not really. All I do is walk around, talk to people, and buy stuff. I can do the same thing in Knights of the Old Republic, only I get to kill things with a lightsaber."



Game on!!