Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

A Quiet Sunday Evening With Grandma

"I don't think I could jump that far...."
"Come ON!! Don't PICK on me!! FUCKERS!!!"
"JUMP!! Down DOWN!!! Fucking DOWN!!!"
"AAHH!!! BITCH!! NOW where are the going to start me from?"
"Son of a BITCH!"
"That's no FAIR!!!"

Grandma is maneuvering her way through saw blades and large, pre-Roman industrial booby-traps only to be greeted by mini-Medusas and creatures of the world of the damned playing God of War. She's going back out tonight, so she's on a pretty intense quest to reach the next savepoint before she has to quit. So I'd like to take a moment while she screams my ears off to talk to about something. Something dear to Grandma. Her loathing of Jack Thompson, and what it means.

Some of you asked "Why Jack Thompson? Why give the asshole any attention at all? He's a real life troll trying to grab up any time on screen that he can." Here's your answer: Jack Thompson is a miserable fucker. He's not, however, stupid. He manipulates the media's necessity for answers to vague questions when no reasonable explanation to the desperate question "why?" is available or believable. So we decided to provide a service to the media. We're calling this fucker out so they can save face when they actually have to turn to Jack for a sound bite.

Grandma doesn't like this guy or what he does. How would you like it if pornography studios had to follow specific content rules, and were unable to sell their product because they didn't "think perhaps maybe a child would see it?" How would you like to live in a country where sex was so incredibly taboo, its mere suggestion is absent from all popular culture? "But, but- in The Sims! They have.... you know.... sex!" you might say. The Sims is short for "Simulation," yes? Do not people have sex in real life? The game is rated T for Teens because most teens can handle a little bit of booty. If it's your opinion that Spy Kids 3-D should be the new standard for PG-13, so be it- but the regulatory systems we have in place seem to be working just fine, dickhead. Do you have any credible evidence that this is hurting anyone?

Anyway, Grandma is trying to figure out how not to have the floor drop out from underneath Kratos and needs some suggestions.

...Nevermind. She got it.

--More updates coming!! We appreciate your support against the forces of evil in the form of comments and e-mails. Thanks folks!--


  • At 6:04 PM, Blogger Unknown said…

    Ok. I'm gonna be COMPLETELY candid and personal here:

    Sex in video games is NOT something to worry about. It's NATURAL for a child/teen to be curious about sex and sexuality. I was raised in an ultra conservative, christian home. I had a rough time growing up because I'm little, so I turned to church and religion. I was faithful and devoted and was devoted to the idea of waiting for marraige to have sex. Me and my best friend were the same way. We were nice, sweet, innocent girls...who were curious about sex!

    We found her brother's porn and we wore those tapes OUT BABY!!! We watched them and analyzed them and tried to figure out what the fuck was going on.

    We both turned out just fine. I have since de-flowered myself, but my friend is still waiting.

    If a child is curious, then DAMN!They will find a way to see what they want to see. A 10-year-old will go rent some raunchy, nasty R rated movie and see things 100x worse than Hot Coffee or the Sims, or whatever, could EVER be!!

    Or...they'll just raid mom and dad's room and find the REALLY good stuff! :)

    Kids will be kids and they sure as hell don't need to get games to do that!

    Whew! Alright, I'm done.

  • At 6:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    The thing that pisses me off about this whole video games and politics fued is the fact that they don't even understand what the fuck videogames are. They don't see them as a form of entertainment. Hell, they don't consider them a form of art. Which they are. They're much more too. They don't play video games and the don't give a shit about them. If they would take the time to understand what these games are offering, they might actually have a valuable opinion.

    Point it, if the game has an "M" on the cover, kids aren't supposed to be playing them. So why the fuck are they coming out saying these are disrupting our youth? Our youth isn't supposed to have them! If they do, then it's the parent's responsibility to monitor what their kids are playing and whats in those said games.

    They worry about kids being exposed to pornographic and violent media, what about the internet? ANYONE can pretty much get access to the internet, and there are 40 billion fucking porn sites everywhere. Why aren't they concerned about this? I can google whatever the hell I want and get access to whatever I want, a little warning that says: "Are you 18? "yes" "no" isn't going to stop someone from pressing yes if they aren't 18.

    There are plenty of things out there that's worse than a few pixels mashing against each other. Look at the movie business! They have a rating system, and the r rating is the same as an m rating. You find the same content in both. If they BOTH have age restrictions, the kids aren't supposed to be playing/watching them.

    BUT you can take a parent with you and you can get into an r rated movie, just like you can take a parent with you to buy an m rated game. Blaming this on the gaming industry isn't right. We aren't doing anything wrong. Everything we are doing as an industry as consumers and developers is responsable. The industry is very yound still and I still don't see the trouble.

    But I was watching that one game channel for this special they were doing on sex in video games and someone made a valid point:

    When movies first contained sexual scenes, they had some flak. They overcame.

    When Hugh Hefner printed the first issue of Playboy, he had some flak. He overcame.

    So no, when we have secual instances in video games, we're getting some flak.

    But I'll be damned if we don't overcome.

    game on!

  • At 7:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Whoa I had some typos:

    I mean this on that last few sentances"

    *So now, when we have sexual instances in video games, we're getting some flak.

    And sorry for the double post...no way to edit. Better proofread next time.

    Oh well, game on!

  • At 7:30 PM, Blogger Unknown said…

    I have to agree with everything Kerry said. It makes me really angry that politicians target video games and blame the industry. Do they not understand the damage they are doing? A child is influenced by their home life, by their family. They are influenced by their parents! When the goverenment takes the blame away from the parents it gives them an excuse to slack even more! Politicians are telling parents YES you should be able to pop a game in and sit little Jr. in front of it you can mix yourself another gin and tonic and fuck the neighbor! This is not healthy, children need their parents to be involved.

    Also, parents need to know that video games are for ADULTS. Yes, there are kiddie games, but there are adult games as well. Just as there are kiddie movies and adult movies.

    To say all video games are marketed for children just shows how completely uneducated these idiots are. They aren't even trying to provide correct information for the masses. They just take a hot topic and say whatever bullshit they want.

    I do think the gaming community needs to help themselves though. This is an issue that may not go away. There are how many people reviewing games out there? Why can't some of them take an extra 5 minutes to discuss the rating and give specific examples within the games that promted the rating. Post a couple pics even.(And yes, there is an ESRB rating with descriptors that SHOULD be enough...but I guess they aren't) Its not hard and if they actually makan effort to educate parents it will be more difficult for the politicians to attack us.

    Oh, my god, I could go for days, but I need to stop. Please excuse the typos and misspellings. I'm not even trying.

  • At 10:53 PM, Blogger CtrlAltDelete said…

    You both make good points!

    I did watch that special on G4, but a few things were missed I think. No one truly questioned the implications of imposing content restrictions on video game media and seperating video games from other types of art and entertainment.

    This seems to be an American problem. It is a clear Western behavior to associate cartoons with children, thus all cartoons must be marketed towards children, thus mature cartoons attempt to corrupt children, thus cartoons are dangerous. The whole thing just contains fallacy after fallacy, but people buy into it. Anime is considered porn by many. South Park is considered an abomination designed to make kids vulgar.

    The same applies to video games. People assume games are for kids. But what about Grandma? What about all of us? I have very few younger readers, most are college age right on up.

    You know what pisses me off the most about that special on G4? The dumb "Family Values for Family and Morality Family Television Family" bitch.

    Here is a paraphrase of something Grandma and I heard her say: "It's been shown that children exposed to high amounts of sex in entertainment are more likely to have sex younger, have sex with multiple partners, thus getting STD's and pregnancy." THERE IT IS!! They've equated statistical data with correlational assumptions; that the sex in the entertainment material directly causes kids to experiment more, giving them AIDS and babies. Cause and effect. What don't we seem to get it?

    Here's why.

    There is nothing wrong with having multiple sexual partners, if that's what you happen to dig. I'm not saying polygamy, I'm saying "an understanding." When done responsibly, it could probably enhance a relationship more than it could destroy it. Monogamy is fine too, it's also a choice. It's also a specific social taboo to breach. So it's someone's view that monogamy and marriage are superior to any alternative; so someone must impose that belief upon the only citizens in the country without rights: children.

    What makes me cringe is to watch a fucker like Jack "Insufferable Bitch" Thompson see screenshots of a game and say things like "Oh. Oh God. Look at that filth. Can you believe they make this trash? Oh my good lord..." THEN DON'T BUY IT ASSHOLE!!!

    NO! You do NOT have the right to go to court to request an halt on the distribution of materials that you personally find questionable. If you find Playboy offensive, don't buy it. Don't sue the company because you don't want others to buy it. This ties up the legal system with everyone being offended at everyone else and all the real problems of discrimination and personal affronts are lost in the desensitized and conditioned court system. You're crying wolf and forcing people to listen.

    I'll say this: Jack Thompson is in the same ilk as Fred Phelps. A media whore who pushes a hurtful agenda for personal gain and amusement. That's why from this day forth, I will refer to the Insufferable Bitch as Jack Thompson- the Fred Phelps to the Gaming world.

    I'm not going to spell check! Never!

  • At 12:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…


  • At 11:06 AM, Blogger Siesh said…

    Thanks for the laughs man, love this site... But anyway...

    I'm still uncertain why a game that has shit blowing up, hookers, people shooting each other, kicking the shit out of each other and so on and so forth is being pulled because of a little sex scene (ok, so it' wasn't a "The Sims" kind of sex scene but still)? I'm sorry if I'd rather have my kid looking at naked bodies than shooting peoples heads off.. but hey, that's just me. ;o)

    And besides, if you're a good parent - you will be watching what your kid is doing in the first place - and Grand Theft would not be something my kid would get his/her hands on. BUT it's also MY CHOICE what my kids see and do.. and I have the choice to decide - and I want those assholes off my back already. I'll choose what's right for my own family and if I don't like it, I'LL TURN IT OFF. Thanks so much.

    I was disappointed in the G4 special.. I was hoping for at least a healthy debate, but it seemed more like the folks at G4 were busy appeasing the masses, and not much else. I actually ended up turning the channel because I was pulling a gran and yelling and swearing at the t.v.

    Okey doke - wow, nice soap box. Hope that came out as mad as it sounded inside my own head.

    Thanks again, love granny - she fuckin' cracks me UP!!!!! Keep it up baby.

  • At 11:31 AM, Blogger CtrlAltDelete said…

    Well "me," consider the comments section of OGHC a very appropriate place for a soap box :) We hate this fucker and his illogical arguments as much as you do, so post away!

    Grandma says the exact same thing- it's the PARENTS. It's amazing that they actually state their ineptitude in their arguments; that they USE games as baby-sitting devices and they become angry when a small resource available to them- the rating system- isn't labeled as THEY wish it to be. A lot of PG-13 movies have the word "Fuck" because people really don't care anymore. Same thing. People get pissed off.

  • At 12:38 PM, Blogger Siesh said…

    And don't get me wrong, I love gaming, I love playing and yelling at the t.v. and all that good shit. But I can make my own choices, I'm not stupid. I just would LOVE it if for once someone actually got pissed off at things that mattered. Because in the grand scheme of things, sex in video games and/or on t.v. is the LEAST of our worries. If you're a parent BE a parent. Amen to granny, I totally agree with you!

  • At 3:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    thus become buy D3 Goldit- even so the regulating techniques we have now set up are most often working just fine, dickhead. Are there almost any legitimate proofGuild Wars 2 Gold this will be harming anybody?


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