Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

The Mother Of All Political Campaigns: My Grandma Hates Jack Thompson

My Grandma hates Jack Thompson. When the Florida Bar Association granted this man the ability to file paperwork all by himself, they unleashed a demon. Yes, a demon. A demon with righteous indignation and a bad hair cut; the worst sort of demon.

Here are the facts:

1. Known by his peers as "Jack The Insufferable Bitch," he has whined about "2 Live Crew" without reading a little poem by Alexander Pope called "The Rape of the Lock," in which Pope is as nasty as he wants to be.

2. Jack Thompson walks like a sissy girl and has cooties.

3. Jack Thompson, under the veneer of moral firmity has chosen easily targetable elements of culture which, driven on a pre-existing field of popularity painstakingly built by artists, musicians and designers, unfairly must hoist him into the collective attention of the nation to defend themselves from his unfounded attacks.

4. Jack Thompson has sex with chickens. Underage, minority, atheist chickens. He then aborts their unfertilized eggs in a cruel ritual he calls "the omelette of love."

5. In propagating an unqualified smear campaign against Rockstar Games, Jack Thompson has saturated the minds of an unproductive legislature with fresh ideas of mandated social tyranny, in which the choices of all parents are placed under the scrutiny of those who distrust their own constituency, creating political red flags and unnecessary debate and causing the unfortunate and horrifying transformation of Hillary Clinton into a Tipper Gore clone.

6. Grandma says he looks "shady."

7. Jack Thompson has misrepresented the understandably cautious "family friendly" market, in which a decision to not purchase a game based on its rating is considered an unspoken allegiance to Jack Thompson rather than a parental choice. Jack Thompson takes credit for the current game-content awareness parents and guardians take to retail outlets.

8. Jack Thompson murdered Mufasa by hiring Hyena cronies to drive a stampede into the very canyon where Jack Thompson's nephew Simba awaited a 'surprise.' Upon accusation of his involvement, he only replies "I.... KILLED... MUFASA!!!!"

9. Jack Thompson received an F- while attending college for his thesis on William Hogarth's series of paintings: "Marriage A-La-Mode," stating Hogarth's message was "Disgusting, sensationalist, and indicative of the video game designers painters of middle 18th C.E.,." Upon the reception of the grade, Jack Thompson was heard to scream "Oh YEAH? Well I'll SUE you!! I'll SUE ALL OF YOU!!! SUE!!!" Midterms at Queens Community College are today immortalized by "The Jack Thompson Pre-Exam Party" in which everyone dyes their hair white and screams "I'll sue you!" while drinking Cafe' Nelsons and smoking large, pretentious cigars filled with delicious, exotic leafs.

Let it be known!! Grandma is going to show what Jack Thompson really is, as if that can't be discerned from hearing the man listen to his own voice. I'll talk to Grandma about this disgusting man and post what she says.

So it begins.

--Update!! Grandma Quote of the Evening:

It's the wee hours of the night and she's still playing God of War.

[2:00am EST] [Oracle] Kratos! Hurry!! Athens is crumbling!....
Grandma- "God, why doesn't she shut up?!"
[Oracle] Kratos, please hurry!! I'm up here!!
Grandma- "This bitch is getting on my nerves." [to television] "I HAVE TO MOVE THE STATUES!! SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!! CHRIST!!!"
[Oracle continues to scream]
Grandma- "This chick sort of reminds me of that guy Thompson..."
Me- "Jack Thompson?"
Grandma- "Yeah. Fuck that guy." [high pitched mimiced voice] "KRATOS!!! SAVE ME!! WaaHH!!"

The fight continues....


  • At 8:38 PM, Anonymous pointy stick said…

    Dude, can I have some of what you're smoking? I live in Pittsburgh, so it's a quick(ish) drive.

  • At 10:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I've never heard of this guy. But I don't watch TV or read the papers. I just live in my own little world and trust Fark.com to let me know if anything really important is happening.

    If you run out of what you're smoking you can come to my house in Humboldt and I'll hook you up. :P

    Mama Lombax

  • At 10:21 PM, Blogger CtrlAltDelete said…


    Cigarettes are much more expensive in Cleveland, man. I don't think Marlboro Lights are worth the drive :)

  • At 10:23 PM, Blogger CtrlAltDelete said…

    I love Fark! Fark don't love Grandma, though- they usually don't link to blogs, so I understand.

  • At 10:45 PM, Anonymous DontCallMeGeoff said…

    Your Grandma ROCKS, man!! Awesome. I didn't know you were a farker, dude. {looks at links roll} ....oh. nevermind, i'm a moron.

  • At 10:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    FUCKING SWEET!!!!! I wonder if Jack Thompson even knows who Hogarth was. I doubt it.

    Tell grandma she's got a friend in London!

  • At 11:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    "So ladies in romance assist their knight | Present the speak, and arm him for the fight. | He takes the gift with reverence, and extends | The little engine on his fingers' ends"

    I don't think anyone has induced the name of Alexander Pope before when speaking of this twit.


  • At 11:08 PM, Anonymous BLARG926 said…

    "Underage, minority, atheist chickens."

    We are laughing so hard we are CRYING over here!! Dear god, man!!! WHAT'S AN ATHEIST CHICKEN?

  • At 11:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…


    Came here from Village Voice website.

    Classic stuff. Your Grandma is great!

  • At 11:41 PM, Blogger Jakanden said…

    Jack Thompson has sex with chickens. Underage, minority, atheist chickens. He then aborts their unfertilized eggs in a cruel ritual he calls "the omelette of love."

    I am also in tears man - Tim, keep it up =)

  • At 11:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…


  • At 5:39 AM, Blogger Jakanden said…

    Grandma- "Yeah. Fuck that guy." [high pitched mimiced voice] "KRATOS!!! SAVE ME!! WaaHH!!"


    My disdain for Jack Thompson is well known and I have written a few rants on him as well. Oddly enough, I have also commented on his hair. I guess great minds insult alike =)

  • At 10:38 AM, Blogger Stephanie said…

    Grandma would make Jack Thompson CRY if they ever met. And I mean face down, on the ground, fucking WEEPING and begging for MERCY! Grandma would pause for a moment, maybe out of pity...probably out of disgust, but then..she would OWN HIM!

    God, I hate that fucker. I'd love to see Grandma kick his ass.

  • At 8:03 PM, Anonymous mookers182 said…

    god i HATED the oracle after that part of the game. i was almost too happy to let her fall to her death so she would just shut up. >_<

  • At 6:09 AM, Anonymous Tai Chi uniform said…

  • At 3:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

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