Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

I'm Jonesing, Man

Well, I decided to quit smoking this week and now I pretty much hate everyone. Seriously, I have no idea how to deal with this shit. I'm not even quitting because of health reasons or because of the evils of the tobacco industry or because truth.com has convinced me of the error of my ways. I'm quitting because it's too goddamn expensive. So there you go, you nonsmoking health-nazi nanny government fascist fucks. You've WON.

When Grandma and I have heard the gaming news of the week, my reactions have become amplified like some paranoid cokehead reading the national security summary on terrorism. Grandma's response has been consistently "...meh." It's not my fault I'm freaking out over every stupid thing. I am denied the nicotine necessary to function as a rational human being.

For instance: the moment the Resident Evil 5 trailer found its way to the PSN network, she downloaded it to her PS3. It was beautiful. Still, while watching it I (and I'm sure a bunch of other people) had one of those "aw shit" moments that revealed itself today in the form of someone's small blog post that consisted of merely:
The new Resident Evil video game depicts a white man in what appears to be Africa killing Black people. The Black people are supposed to be zombies and the white man’s job is to destroy them and save humanity. “I have a job to do and I’m gonna see it through.”

This is problematic on so many levels, including the depiction of Black people as inhuman savages, the killing of Black people by a white man in military clothing, and the fact that this video game is marketed to children and young adults. Start them young… fearing, hating, and destroying Black people.
Well, that little post ignited a huge shit storm that reached all the major gaming sites and forums. Well my reaction was entirely different from Grandma's.

Me - "HOLY SHIT! I fucking KNEW this was going to happen. She's got a point, too; I mean they basically SAID the game was going to be like a scene from Black Hawk Down and THAT fucking movie wasn't exactly racially sensitive either. But it looks so goddamn cool and we were soooo close and now it's going to create this big deal when Capcom didn't mean it to be that way, but fucking look at the trailer- it IS that way. FUCK!! Everything is going WRONG, man."

Picture an ugly person with long hair saying that really fast while pacing around a tiny room, and that's pretty much how it went down.

Grandma on the other hand...

Grandma - "You know, I really didn't even think about it the first time I watched it. It was just Chris and some zombies. It never even occurred to me that they were all black. I guess I could see how someone might think the trailer is racist, but it's just zombies. No one meant anything by it. RE4 was fucking Spain, this is just another location. Oh well. It does look cool as hell though, doesn't it?"

Meanwhile, Grandma is primarily playing Overlord, which she seems to really dig. The camera controls were a bit difficult for her to get used to, but 12 hours into the game she's speeding right along. If you haven't checked it out yet, it's kind of an Oblivion meets Lemmings RPG/RTS where you play an evil dude who controls a bunch of happy little evil minions who just love to do evil shit for you. The humor is in line with Conker, Destroy All Humans and the like, so naturally Grandma and I both find it to be hilarious.

For some reason I laughed incredibly hard the first time a minion came up to Grandma's character to deliver some sort of something he had found somewhere and says in the cute little evil minion voice "for YOUUUUU! ♥" Then again, I'm allowed to be crazy. My heads all fucked up from the lack of ciggies.

Hence the absence of a Sunday post. That was Day 1. When you go from a pack a day to practically none a day, every tiny frustration in a video game sets you off in a Hulk like rage. It's probably best if I just watch Grandma play for awhile instead of also playing a game myself.

Are your hands supposed to shake?

Game on!


  • At 2:24 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Timasaurus - hang in there. We're with you. It's hard as hell to break that habit (I'm sure the phrase "more addictive than heroin" has been lobbed at you annoyingly much) - and you're very brave for taking that step. It's not an easy thing (as probably you very well know) but you're an awesome guy with a strong will, and I know if you set your sights on anything - if you're as like Grandma as you seem to be - you will kick the habit. You will kick it inna FACE. And be all "HAH, habit! Who's the man NOW, huh? In your FACE!" and things of that nature.

    Grandma - meep, sorry to hear Odin Sphere has become disappointing - I'd been digging it for a while and have been so retardedly busy lately that I've dropped out of playing it, and that shoulda shut my trap about me recommending it (although hot dangpants is it beautiful, huh?) Makes me wonder about Grim Grimoire... but moreover, Persona 3 is coming out on the 14th (so I hear) and has gotten some pretty spiffy reviews... I've lagged on picking up the Persona series, but I have been duly assured by trustworthy parties that is - quote - "fucking RAD." So I feel solid passing on that recommendation.

    I've got to sleep but wanted to pass on (again) my happiness that you guys are doing well, and best wishes to you both (as well as the rest of the St. Hilaire clan!) Hugs to everyone, take care, be well, and as always GAME ON!


  • At 5:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Well you should use those niccotine patches.
    Oh and put more videos of grandma playing ps3.
    GAME ON!

  • At 5:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Yeah, in Utah the congress critters are voting on a $4-6 tax hike on a carton of smokes. I don't smoke, but my mother does, and I think that this increased tax sucks for her. And I think it does for the state and cig companies too. If prices get that high, there are going to be less people buying tobacco products with each increase, until, like you, they give up buying them altogether. After a certain point, each increase in tax per purchase is a decrease in total taxes, because less will be sold.

    My recommendation until the withdrawals withdraw: play a 'trace' game. You know the type, where you aren't particularly challenged because the difficulty starts low and increases very gradually, but it keeps you quite busy staying ahead of inevitable failure until it gets fast and all-involving. Things like Tetris, the great Windows game 'OASIS', et cetera, where it is just you without competition. Those games help my mom smoke a lot less when she plays.

  • At 8:05 AM, Blogger Adam Dorfman said…

    "After a certain point, each increase in tax per purchase is a decrease in total taxes, because less will be sold."

    Yeah, but the total health cost of the state spirals downward at the same time due too...

    Anyways, I quit after 11 years of a pack a day by using the gum. Which I then got addicted to for about 9 months. But then I weaned myself off of that and have been nicotine free for almost three years now.

  • At 8:48 AM, Blogger Klopzi said…

    Quitting smoking is tough, especially when you're doing it for money-related matters only.

    However, it really does get easier. I smoked a pack a day for twelve years and quit on my fifth attempt with the help of Zyban.

    I guarantee that everything you're feeling right now ("I'm always going to want to smoke", "I can't imagine not smoking another cigarette in my whole life.", "Everyone else is smoking, so why can't I?", etc.) will all go away.

    In fact, I don't even remember what it feels like to smoke anymore. And trust me, that's not a sad or depressing statement, though it may seem that way to you.

    Besides that, looking forward to RE5 and I'm planning on giving Overlord a fair shake soon.

    Good luck with the no-smoking thing!

  • At 10:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Umm...it became your fault when you started smoking in the first place. Remember that the next time you decide to be shitty to someone.

  • At 12:16 PM, Blogger Jess said…

    Good luck! I know quitting is hard. I've tried it a couple of times myself! And when you are going through withdrawl, you can't help the reactions you have to things. It's like something else is controlling you. Don't listen to the people who obviously don't understand what you're going through. If it gets really bad, you can always try the patch or the gum. Friends of mine have had luck with the prescription that your doctor can give you.

    I'm picking up Resident Evil 5 as SOON as it comes out! Very excited! Yeah, they never said anything about the Spanish villagers. I guess people just pick and choose what they want to be offended about.

  • At 3:15 PM, Blogger CtrlAltDelete said…

    I just want a cigarette :(

  • At 6:19 PM, Blogger Sarah said…

    I wish you a ton of luck with the whole quitting smoking thing. I lost both of my grandmas to lifetime smoking and I have a vendetta against smoking. Plus you get to be alive long enough to be the next Grandparent Hardcore!

    Some random tips I picked up to deal with cravings: go for a short walk when you have a craving, eat an apple (it makes cigs taste worse), and throw out all those damn cigs so you couldn't be tempted. And the withdrawals are always a bitch, but keep in mind that you're gonna have more money now for gaming and whatever else you need the money for.

    Just watch Grandma and the minion love and it'll be okay, follow all the tips that other people have commented with. And rant like a mofo when the mood strikes.

  • At 6:43 PM, Blogger Gamer Named Tim said…

    Seems to me like black people are making racism a problem. People of different races look at zombies and think it's a zombie. Regardless of color. Black people look at a black zombie and go all whacko! I didn't hear any Spanish people bitching about RE4.

  • At 6:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I like grandma didnt notice the difference, Just seem zombies to me. Oh and great job on that last article in PSM with grandma on it (last page I think). It was cool

  • At 4:40 PM, Blogger Unknown said…

    Just for shits and giggles, have Grandma take her Minions to the Tavern in Spree and have her sweep them in there and then stand still outside...you should record her reaction, would make an awesome vid.
    Game On!

  • At 10:40 AM, Blogger Unknown said…

    okay, i know this was back in august of last year, but i missed it. this was hysterical and so reminiscent of the time i tried to quit myself. i actually did, for nearly a year and then only a few here and there on the weekends.

    for some reason i couldn't figure out why, after having had a few ciggs over the weekend, i suddenly found myself having a nervous breakdown by mid the following week... each and every week.

    i even went on drugs thinking i surely must be bi-polar. LMAO! didn't really work, but it sure kept me from kicking someone to death! :) eventually i got back on the shiz. i need to think, i need to breath dirty air, i need to cough a little mucus here and there...

    i do hope i can quit one day without all my hair falling out though.

    good luck, i hope you're still quit and if you feel too out of control have a sugar cube.

  • At 4:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

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