Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Earth Defense Force 2017. Grandma doesn't know WHAT to tell you

Grandma is still forming an opinion on EDF: 2017. It's a game of many contradictions. The graphics are shit, and yet the graphics are awesome. The dialogue is terrible and annoying but the dialogue is hilarious. The game is easy as hell and hard as FUCK. Its manner of leveling up is tedious but god DAMN those weapons are sweet. The plot is absurd and stupid. The plot is absurd and AWESOME. It's so unrealistic, you can blow up entire buildings with a single shot from even the weakest rocket launcher; a rocket launcher with which you begin the game. Then again, you can blow up BUILDINGS with a SINGLE SHOT from even the WEAKEST rocket launcher, including the rocket launcher with which you BEGIN THE GAME!


Grandma received her copy as a gift from Vic Ireland a little while back. He said "be SURE you try the co-op mode and FORGET about the first two difficulties, they are way too easy." He was right, although those first two difficulties can come in handy for leveling up. We'll talk more about that upon the full review, but right now we'll address the plot.

The plot of this game is something that confounds Grandma.
"So... it's the future. 2017. Ten years from now. All of a sudden, a giant metal ball ...thing... comes down to earth with a bunch of flying saucers which drop giant fucking ants, spiders, robots, and dinosaurs all over everything. They also release these flying things that shoot lasers. The ants look pretty much like normal 'Earth' ants, only they're twice the size of tanks. The spiders jump around and shoot web at people, which kills them. The robots come in two sizes: big and huge. The dinosaurs or lizards or whatever the fuck they are look like a tyrannosaur or something only with giant, shiny metal plates all over it and a big blade on its tail. There's also this giant thing that looks kind of like an AT-AT.


But who are the aliens?! Are the aliens the giant ants? Ants, even giant ones, can't build a complex, laser shooting robot or be able to understand all the shit they would need to know to fly a giant mothership battle-saucer to different planets. They don't even have HANDS. And the small UFOs: if you don't shoot them down, they'll just keep dropping the ants or spiders FOREVER. The UFOs are not that big. So what happens exactly? Is it some kind of teleporter? That wouldn't make sense either, because they would also need an infinite supply of giant ants somewhere. And if they DID, why would they even bother invading tiny planets when they already have a huge one big enough for billions and billions of giant ants?!

Tim tells me 'well, it's like Pac-Man. Pac-Man didn't have a plot.' So that's it then, we're just supposed to think of this dude as Pac-Man and the aliens as ghosts that just happen to be invading, no explanation given. Bullshit. You know why? Because Pac-Man didn't try to explain itself (at least not until later when they decided they wanted to milk that thing for all its worth.) When you put in a quarter for a game of Pac-Man, it didn't give you a back story saying "you are PACMAN, a yellow animal who needs white dots to stay alive, but the ghosts are there because-" you know what I mean. Nobody cared to think anyone would care.

But then there's this game. The people around you fighting the aliens are screaming shit like 'This is for my brother!' or 'let's get something to eat!' So I don't know what I'm supposed to think. Am I supposed to care about some guy's brother or remember that people get hungry or am I just supposed to blow up aliens and have fun doing it? Sometimes I think they want both. I don't know.

I really don't know."

We're still working on the last achievements, which pretty much require co-op for us because they're so goddamnned hard. Both Grandma and I have been through the game a few times on the easier difficulties, but the harder modes seem like a completely different game. I really like it!

I think Grandma wants to hurry up and get it over with so she can focus on Odin Sphere. The one thing we both agree on is that after awhile, it can get reeeeealy boring if you don't have a clear goal.

Anyway, more to come!

Game on!


  • At 10:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Sounds like an interesting game

  • At 10:57 PM, Blogger Gamer Named Tim said…

    Thanks for the update! Keep 'em coming!

  • At 11:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I know exactly what you mean. The icons all over for armour and weapons are these 2d things, but everything else is gorgeous. When you say the graphics are shit and beutiful at the same time your not kidding.

  • At 5:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I love this game. I really do. It's all about shooting stuff. And blowing stuff up. And watching it explode.

    For people who want something realistic, go play some Call of Duty Battlefield of Medal Honor whatever. For people who like to shoot stuff and want something just goddamn FUN, well, what are you doing? Get your ass to a store and buy EDF. RIGHT NOW.

    There are a few exploits in the game that make life easier such as setting a C70 bomb, blasting your feet with the starter rocket launcher then while you're in mid-air, exploding the bomb. You will take the whimpy rocket damage. You won't take the insta-death bomb damage but your enemies will!

    ZER-type automated turrets are your best friend too. At times, I just solo co-op and just park some turrets, watch things die, go make a sandwich in the meantime.

    Spiders are cheap as all fuck in the later difficulties, but even then, you will relish the joy of getting the Genocide Gun, your prize for beating Inferno difficulty.

    On the fence about EDF?
    Watch this video.

  • At 8:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

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