Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Associated Press Gets Down With The Grandma

An article about Grandma's success by the Associated Press is being syndicated all over the god damn place, and we'd like to hear from you folks! So what are your Grandparents like? Do you intend to be an elderly gamer? ARE you an elderly gamer? Do you think we should burn for all eternity in the deepest pits of hell?

Let us know!

The other thing we'd like to see are some images of some of the papers and television shows Grandma on which Grandma has appeared as a result of the AP piece. So e-mail me a picture of yourself holding up the article and tell us where your from! Quite a few folks e-mailed us asking for an address to send the news clips; this is far less expensive for you.

Grandma is playing the early stages of Dragon Quest VIII at the moment; a game she finds frustrating only because you have one option to save: in a church. So, if you're out in the field and get wiped out for whatever reason, you have to start all over again with some nun breathing down your neck asking if you want to go to confession.

I imagine THAT conversation must be awkward.

Nun - "Do you wish to confess your sins? (Save Game)"

Grandma - "Um... no, I just want to save my game, thanks."

Nun - "You can't save unless you tell me your darkest secrets so that you may be forgiven by the Lord."

Grandma - "Alright... so.... how do we do this?"

Nun - "How long has it been since your last confession?"

Grandma - "I don't know, you're the memory card, you tell me."

Nun - "Go on..."

Grandma - "Alright, I let my buddy here die while fighting Slimes in order to save on items; I blasphemed on SEVERAL ...hundred occasions; I murdered a whole SHITLOAD of little creatures that did nothing but stand in my way between here and the tower, and after I died I came back to this point which technically goes against the dogma of the church, which makes me both a witch and a heretic; I ....um, left the game dialogue box open instead of pausing to get some popcorn, forcing the characters to stare off into space for a while as I divulged in some gluttony; ...I want an XBox 360 so bad I've secretly contemplated world domination to achieve this goal.... shit, what else......? I think that's it."

Nun - "..."

Grandma - "So can I save now?"

Nun - "Press the X button 400 times, recite the SquareEnix 2005 mission statement 37 times and then you can save."

Grandma - "...I fucking HATE this shit. Can't I just get a Final Fantasy type cell phone and use that?"

Nun - ".....No."

Grandma - "Fine, fine....Square Enix endeavors to be the world's leading digital content provider, bringing you dreams and excitement beyond expectation. [X] Square Enix endeavors to be the world's leading digital content provider, bringing you dreams and excitement beyond expectation. [X] Square Enix endeavors....god DAMN this is stupid.....um, endeavors to be the world's leading...."

The woman just wants to save her game, I suppose.

Game on!


  • At 1:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    My maternal grandparents are quick to give the games and gadgets their grandkids ask for (with the help of my mom and her sisters, picking them out), but are technophobic if it is something for themselves. My mom tried to give them one of our old PCs and set them up with free-dial up, but they wouldn't have it.

    I don't know that I'll ever be a grandparent, but I intend to still game when I'm that age. I don't want to be left out when we finally get the Holodeck, after all.

  • At 2:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Another well written insight into life with Grandma ;-)
    Being gay, I'll probably never have grandkids. However, there are a whole bunch of Nephews/Nieces I can see myself fending off my latest console/PC/whatthefuckisthisplasmavirtualrealityshit! in the year 2045!
    My parents don't have/don't want anything more technolgical than a DVD player...


  • At 3:42 PM, Blogger Siesh said…

    I have no living grandparents left, so I am currently "borrowing" your grandmother as a role model. I hope that's ok. ;o)

    I'll be gaming until I die.

    I hope to find an article somewhere here, but in case I don't, I'll be secretly coveting everyone elses copies. And of course reading all about it in my daily dose of grandma.

    Game on!

  • At 4:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Doesn't grandma get headaches after all those intense hours of gaming?
    BTW, the blog rocks, it's wonderfully written.

    Greetings from Argentina! (You know, where Gardel, Maradona and Evita are from. Doesn't ring any bells? No? Drop it.)

  • At 8:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    My Grandma plays a lot of Freecell and Spider Solitaire but that's as far as she is willing to take it. She's the only grandparent I have left.

    My mom, (who is a Grandma thanks to me) is heavily into city building games and recently discovered Runescape. I have considered buying her WoW but don't see any reason to light a crack pipe and hand it to her. If she becomes a WoW junkie it will be under her own power.

    When she visits she spends some quality time with our GC and PS2.

    I am the only Mom I know plays console games. I am thankful to my son for getting me into it. It gives me the illusion of being hip.

    Just got the new Ratchet BTW. At first I didn't like it because it was so different from the other 3 but it really is fun with the BF in the "cooperative" mode. Heck anything is fun with the BF in the cooperative mode.;)

    As usual though, there are precious few female characters - and only one that is playable. A robot named Venus in a mini dress. sigh.

    Mama Lombax

  • At 10:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I'm from Singapore and wow, really awed to know that grandparents play video games too! The article about your granny appeared in our local paper, the Straits Times. Over here, our grandparents preach at us all day not to play videogames! Whoa......

  • At 11:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I think it's WONDERFUL that Grandma is a late-life gamer ... I don't think (and I don't think she'd think) that it's so wonderful that you use such language ("syndicated all over the god damn place") when you express your glee about geting and AP blurb ... And scanning your blog, I can see you have some grwoing up to do, even without knowing your chronological age.
    Anyone else agree with me ..? Grandma, what's your opinion, if you read your grandson's blog ..?

  • At 7:42 AM, Blogger ivorynetsuke said…

    boomertex - I, too, respect your opinion, but disagree. One of the (many) reasons why I love Grandma is that I behave in the same way ... I try to be polite and respectful in my day-to-day life, but get me in front of a video game or even behind the wheel of a car, and I can melt your ears off. I don't even think my husband is quite aware of how vitriolic I can be, and the poor man has had his share of being trapped in the vehicle with me when I felt I've been wronged by other drivers.

    Granted, my parents tried very hard not to use profanity around me, and I was always told "not to cuss," but I have to say there's something cathartic about screaming obscenities at a tv screen, computer monitor, or in the privacy of my vehicle (er, well, unless the window's down). There's also a "gift" of being able to include such language naturally into what you write, which is more reflective of how you and others speak around you than it is about one's age. Blogs that have profanity liberally sprinkled in an attempt to be "cool" are more offensive to me. OGHC just sounds ... well, natural.

    Anyway, that's just my humble and wordy opinion ... ;-D

  • At 8:28 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I too disagree with the stiff guy who bitched about the language. This blog wouldn't be half as successful if there were no swearing. I mean, it makes her much more loveable because you wouldn't imagine them coming from a sweet old granny. It's fucking funny.
    Luckily, it's a free world and you get to choose where to go in the "internets" *wink*

  • At 10:39 AM, Blogger Kirvi said…

    Even more disagreeing... boomertex, I find it arrogant of you to assume that Tim has "some growing up to do" based on your "scanning" of the blog. I've been reading since August, and Tim has consistently proven his insight, maturity, and fall-down-laughing wit on an almost daily basis. Of course, I see this blog as 1/2 Tim's art, 1/2 window into Grandma's world. You can critique art all you want, but do not attempt to censor it. And if the phrase "god damn" bothers you, you might want to find a different window... : )

  • At 12:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    my grandparents are dead... T_T

  • At 12:50 PM, Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said…

    The closest I have is a Gandfather who surfs the net like a madman for 4 to 8 hours a day.

    I just read grammy's write up on CNN.com. She's too damn cool.

  • At 1:17 PM, Blogger Will Shady said…

    I don't think my grandparents have ever seen a video game, been on the internet or even logged onto a computer. My grandma doesn't even have lights or a telephone. She was surprised when I came over to visit her and my cellphone went off. I've tried several times to explain that I'm a computer programmer in Navajo but with no luck. The closest translation I can make is that I tell the machine what to do with writing. I can imagine myself as an elderly gamer listening to Snoop Dogg - Gin and Juice in the background. That's a funny thought.

  • At 1:50 PM, Blogger LComeno said…

    Wow Tim, how fortunate your Grandma is to have you. My kids and grandkids don't understand my gaming the majority of my waking hours on my computer. Yep, of course I built the computer too. Just started my 13th year online, owned an IRC network for 10 years, then I find your blog and read about your grandma. Way cool.

    You are telling me this *isn't* normal for a 48 1/2 yr old woman to do? Sheesh, NOW you tell me. Hehehe. (Couldn't resist that.) I do admit I shock a few of the kids when I post on game forums and tell them my age.

    I'm homebound with Crohn's Disease and hoping my SSI will be approved soon so I can have an income of any sort and not depend on internet friends to buy me games when they come out. Wish I had come across your site before I went thru all of their doctor stuff, would have pointed out to him that SSI, besides hopefully getting me healthier again with the medical help I'm unable to afford now, would keep me mentally better by making me able to afford to buy more puter games. OK, so maybe I'd have to hide the stack of about 50 game CD's I have on my desk and move a few icons for the freeware games off my desktop. Bwahahaha.

    Go Granny. From one Granny to another, keep gamin and smiling or cursing, depending on what you are playing. My latest is Black and White 2 and I'm extremely happy with it. I get bored with most games after a month or two of daily play, this one has keep me interested for 2 months and there's no end in site atm.

    Saw one comment made, forget by who, about a lot of older folk who sit and watch TV and veg away. Very true that. I do watch TV on rare occasions, normally the crime shows on either A & E or CourtTV, but of course I don't have a TV. I have a winTV card in my computer and watch shows on my monitor. LOL. Even then I normally am chatting in IM or playing a game in the background at the same time. It's way too boring to sit and only watch a show and do nothing else.

    Geek till the end! :)

  • At 2:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    My mother is 69 and she can beat anyone at Pac-Man ,she got over 800,000 points, and on that board where everything is moving like lighttning fast!!
    i have yet to even attempt to beat her :)

  • At 2:48 PM, Blogger Micah Rosen-Wolfe said…

    it is great granny plays games, but does she not realize that consoles are the dark side. pc is where the real gaming is. go towards the light granny before it is too late.

  • At 2:54 PM, Blogger Omar (aka O-Dogg) said…

    Grandma. Pwns. All.

    Read the article on CNN. Awesome. Absolutely awesome. And you're a good writer too. Good stuff. Keep it up!

    Rock on Old-School Gaming matriarch! We salute you!

    (Out of curiousity, does she play handhelds, like the Nintendo DS? Racing her in Mario Kart would be fun!)

  • At 3:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    My grandma plays all of the video games and has all the game systems. Her favorite is the Final Fantasy also. Her game system is spread out between three different rooms. We have the systems hooked up to different tvs and then she has the computer set up so she play on that also. She taught me and my cousins how beat a level. She use to be obsessed like your grandma, but now she splits her time between the internet and games.

  • At 3:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    my Grandma and I used to race electric cars together when I was a kid in the 70s and even early 80s - PVE (pre videogame era) - so I think its great you guys are sharing this.

  • At 6:09 PM, Blogger Dragonlady said…

    I was raised by my Grandparents, who passed away a few years ago. I called them Mom and Dad. Dad was a man's man, they don't make'em like him anymore. He worked hard his whole life to provide for his family. My Mom was my closest ally and friend. She even played Dungeons and Dragons with me, when I used to DM. She had a sorceress named Porridge. :)

  • At 6:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    This is way cool! I'm 38, avid gamer. Mostly PS2 and computer. My favorite game of all time... FFVII!

  • At 6:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    On my grandfather's 80th birthday he turned to me and said "Samantha I want on this internet thing" so we went and got a computer, signed him up for some internet web course and its now 12 years later ... he's still teaching Mom stuff ^^ love it

  • At 6:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    You are on Fark.com!

  • At 7:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I thought my mom was the only one! She is 57 and plays games constantly. Usually, RPGS, also.

    Wonderful! Go Grandma!

  • At 10:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    That's a cool Grandma you got there. I thought my Grandma's Scrabble skills were good, but that hardly compares...

  • At 12:29 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    CNN shows to the world once again how slow they are reporting the news that matters.

    Are you guys worried about your real town and full names being printed?

  • At 3:52 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    FOR SURE!, I just started college as a freshmen and games still manage to find me in my unorganized, unplanned life. Once I have more time...say once i retire games will be more important than ever! Game on grandma!
    Chris Verghese, UCSB

  • At 9:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    On The Age, I saw this. Melbourne, Australia.


    Go Granny!!!!

  • At 11:03 PM, Blogger Daniel said…

    Hahaha! Grandma's story is by far the most interesting and inspirational on CNN.com today--absolutely brilliant!

    Sadly, my grandparent are no longer with us, but somehow, I don't think they'd be big on games. Too much killing involved.

    Happy New Year, Grandma and Timothy.

  • At 11:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I'm a 49 year old grandmother who went through 3 Nintendos..4 super Nindendos. I use to make my kids fetch my cigs and sodas for me when I was on a playing binge. I tried to train my dog to do that but all he did was pop holes in the sodas and drank them. I'm proud to say my 5 year old grandson is a chip off the old block and has his own V-Tech system which we have loads of fun playing together, though I have to fight him for the controller.
    I now play Runescape, and I'm totally hooked. I've been playing it for over a year. Nothing like getting hooked on a game that is unbeatable..lol..I'm now level 109 by the way :)

    Game on!

  • At 8:28 AM, Blogger Mr Sithmaka said…

    Great site! Heard about it via this AP article from my local paper in Sydney:


    Actually I was trying to find out about the local hardcore punk scene and I got this. This is pretty good stuff, the god of war video is a classic! Am definitely going to be checking this out daily!


    A canuck living in Sydney Australis

  • At 3:05 AM, Anonymous Cheap Runescape Gold said…

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    Anybody else trust me ..? Grandma, what is your own viewpoint, should you study your current grandson's website ..?

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