Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Third Person Shooters / Platformers versus RPGs: The Grandma Difference

It occurred to me that our readers have always seen Grandma playing games in which ass kicking is not measured in small, floating HP numbers above the heads of Grandma's enemies but rather in a ferocious display of weapon power and blood, as in God of War or Resident Evil 4. I wasn't sure how you would perceive the differences in her behavior in an RPG, so let's go over what they are, in Grandma-Quote form:

The Suffering: Ties That Bind - "Jesus CHRIST! He won't get the FUCK OFF ME!!!"

Final Fantasy VIII - "Shit, he just got poisoned again, and SHE is DEAD. I don't have anyone to cure him.... FUCK."

God of War - "See, this is nice, because you don't have to aim the lightening bolts, you just select who you want to kill. I like that."

Xenosaga II - "Now this is cool, because I can find out pretty easy the best way to attack, it's usually pretty obvious."

Resident Evil 4 - "I KILLED YOU!! DIE, BITCH! YES! I took out BOTH those fucking giant-things. CHRIST that took forever."

Growlanser Generations - "YES!!! Shit, I fought that thing for like an hour, I thought it would NEVER fucking die. And then you have all those ...sand gollum things coming at you from both sides, so you just focus on- point is he's DEAD."

Games like God of War or Devil May Cry progressively get harder; a sharp elevation in difficulty followed by quick little drops when a new, more powerful weapon appears. In an RPG like Growlanser and Final Fantasy, one must level up constantly to stay above one's enemy. It takes a while, but the rewards are very real for Grandma. In this sense, it is an investment of life to walk back and forth between two towns to engage in random battles for no other reason than to inflict a show of power upon the next boss. Grandma very much likes to "establish her authority."

One great feature Growlanser of which Grandma takes advantage frequently is the ability to save at any time. She has numerous saves which point to different decisions within the game, and she loads back-saves often to discover what could have been; perhaps if she had equipped different rings, bought different gems, talked to different people, etc.,.

She's still gaming pretty hard, considering the long hours she spends leveling up, in that there is much vulgarity to fill the time. To be fair, however, she takes the position of General over a legion of characters, discussing battle plans out loud to no one in particular to help her remember who is to do what on the fields of carnage. Last time I watched Patton, he wasn't all that different from Grandma.

Except he was a man. And fought in World War II. And smoked. And could drive a tank.

He still swore a lot, though.


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