Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Grandma Has Destroyed Psychonauts

Double Fine Productions, Tim Schafer, and Majesco Entertainment made Psychonauts dark. Grandma was thrilled with the graphics; she loved the way each level appropriately held a personality of its own. She adored the characters and the story. She laughed, she screamed- ...well, mostly she just screamed.

In a game where the main character is symbolically named for the occultist advisor to the last dynasty of Imperial Russia who was brutally assassinated by poison, stabbed, shot many times and dumped into a icy river before the royal family were sent to exile awaiting their inevitable execution by a bloody, undignified firing squad; men women and children alike pleading for their lives only to meet the metallic taste of bullets in their final moments of absolute terror- it's a surprisingly heartwarming tale of a boy and his daddy.

Because the story takes place at a "camp" of sorts, it is in fact the kids, the counselors, the teachers that steal the show. I will admit Grandma and I both cringed at a few of their voices but I'd like to think it was because they were supposed to be annoying, as those of us who suffered through summer camps for psychic ability can attest. Personal Grandma favorites include the board-game like level in which one must convince very French people to come out of their very French homes to fight a very French war- because Grandma indeed has a French last name; she gets a kick out of the mention of cheese. Most of her time in that level was spent laughing.

But then, the end- the final level; a circus tent made of meat with all sorts of steak-fillet platforms and butcher blade obstacles enough to fill mouths of any vegetarian with bits of vomit- as Grandma put it to me earlier- "This level is a BITCH..."

It took her awhile, about two hours I think, to finally make it from the bottom of the meat circus tent to the end of the game. It was her mountain, her K-2; and like most climbers, she had thoughts of returning to base camp for better weather more than once, the summit appearing unreachable. I urge you to go back a few posts to read her statements of cowardice; because in this one I'll only include the triumph:

"YES!! YES!!! IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME!!! God DAMN! WOOOOOO!!!! That's it! That's IT! It's over! FINALLY! Thank. Fucking. CHRIST!!! Ahw, God, that was fun. It was FUN! But now- it's over. It's FUCKING OVER!!!"

The cutscene concluded the story in a manner not unlike The Incredibles, and the credits rolled by; featuring some artwork from the game, followed by a picture of the staff over at Double Fine Productions, who don't appear to be as hideous as one would expect after playing Psychonauts. They in fact look like a nice bunch of folks.

The Psychonauts Brain intro appeared on the screen once again, ready for another go. Grandma asked "Hey, go on GameFAQs and see if I get anything for beating it..." expecting to be able to keep some powers for a second try at the game. I looked it up for her.
"No," I said. "But there are a whole bunch of cheats you could use."

She gave me the dirtiest look I've ever seen since the DHL lady delivered some free stuff from TriXie over at Microsoft addressed to "Old Grandma Hardcore."
"What do you mean there were CHEATS?? And you didn't THINK to tell me that while I threatened to throw the FUCKING XBOX out the GOD DAMN WINDOW???"

Right now Grandma's trying to finish up God Mode on God of War as her next project, which- like Psychonauts, Grandma has declared "fucking impossible."

If you haven't picked up a copy of Psychonauts, Grandma strongly recommends it- but make sure you know what you're getting into.

--More updates on the way! Thanks for the comments and e-mails, you know what we like... Also, as usual, tonight is Monday night Grandma Blogging; so 9:00pm EST is another edition of Ask Grandma Hardcore. See you there!--


  • At 4:43 PM, Blogger Shawn said…

    Wow, I have to tell you, I love your web site dude. I wish I could get
    mine to the professional level that yours is.

    I cant wait to get this cast off so I can start working on mine again,
    so I can start playing video games again, and so I can go four wheeling
    again. My accident was a fluke, and would never have happened if I had
    been more careful.

    Hope Grandma is feeling better now that she is back home. Keep up the
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  • At 4:48 PM, Blogger Jesse said…

    There is an extra cutscene if you manage to collect everything... Just sayin'

    Oh, and there is a secret room in the Party level that is creepy as fuck.

    Now I want to play psychonauts again....

  • At 5:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Yeah. Kids at psychic camps do have annoying voices. I've had to spend many summers at one learning from the kids there. I'm not naturally psychic, but I learned it through psychic-jitsu. Yeah. Those kids can be snots.

  • At 6:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I could never get the invicibility cheat to work. If you find a working one, point me in that direction, will you?

    I never pictured her ever wanting to use cheats o_O

  • At 10:35 AM, Blogger Collin said…

    I've played Psychonauts all the way up until you enter the meat circus. It actually peeved me that that happened as I still had several brains to return and hadn't figured out how to free the damned skull from the hole in the ground. So I've allowed myself to get distracted and am hesitant to return to the game for fear that I've forgotten too much. Annoying. Still, I'm happy Grandma beat it.

    If you are ever in the mood to smash stuff I can highly recommend the new Incredible Hulk game on the XBox. My son tore through it in a day and a half, but I'm taking my time with it.

    If she's enjoying the mental power style of game you might want to try 'Second Sight' or 'PsiOps' if you haven't already. They should be quite cheap by now.

  • At 4:43 PM, Blogger Dmoneycrunk said…

    Nice job! I heard that game was a S.O.B so I'm happy you beat it.

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  • At 5:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Grandma inspired me to finish Psychonauts. It's just been sitting on my hard drive for months, not being played. I got to the top of the damned meat circus tent and kept getting my ass handed to me by the rollercoaster, and I got tired of climbing to the top of the tent to try again.

    After reading of Grandma's frustration and success, I gave it another go. It seems so stupid that all I was missing was turning the camera so I could consistently make the jumps on where the railing was missing. The ending is so much more satisfying after that bitch of a last level though. Thanks Grandma!

  • At 7:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I first got this game THE DAY IT CAME OUT!! (Apr. 26, 2004)and i started playing it, and then i stopped when i had to defeet Dogens brain, and i started again about...i dunno, 3 weeks ago, and im up to the point of no return. I had to switch back to a different save at least 3 times or so, just because of Edgars level and getting the last 2 f'king brains.

  • At 12:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    incredible... seems like your grampa take a Generic Viagra Blue Pill an them... well you know what I mean.

  • At 12:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    No seems that he takes Sildenafil hahaha

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