Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Grandma's Recipe for Fuck Yeah!

Some of you have noticed that in a couple videos, Grandma is happily munching on something tasty while destroying her enemies. Several times the question is asked "Does Grandma have any good recipes and also has she played Ratchet and Clank: Up Your Arsenal?" Well, second part first: yes, she has! First part last; there is much to talk about.

The food you eat is dependant on the type of game you play. When Grandma plays World Championship Poker on XBox Live she eats Pirouette cookies (although, they're not really cookies, they are more like soft, chocolate biscotti). Also, be wary of eating too much of the same food whilst playing a long game; you'll accidentally condition yourself to have odd taste associations. For example- I have a triad of connecting elements that I
can't gid rid of ever. If I ever hear Pink Floyd's "The Wall," I think of eating Spaghettios and playing Final Fantasy VIII. If I ever eat Spaghettios, I think of Pink Floyd and Squall Lionheart. If I ever play Final Fantasy VIII, I get the taste and smell of spaghettios in my mouth and the song "Comfortably Numb" stuck in my head.

For RPGs, Grandma eats macaroni or some noodle dish. Any noodle dish will do, or perhaps rice. They're perfect to eat while your waiting for random battles to begin after the "PPSSSWOOSSSHH" sound, and later after the battle when all your stats are going up. Grandma prefers the Kraft "Fairly Odd Parents" shaped Macaroni and Cheese.

For platforms such as Jak and Dexter, popcorn is king. Only not just any popcorn. Here's what you do:

1 Bag of Microwaveable Popcorn (anything but Kettle style)
1/2 Stick of Margarine
1 Big Ass Bowl, preferably plastic
1 "Shit-ton" of salt

Directions: Put the popcorn in the microwave and set for High @
3:00min. It won't take that long, so listen for the popcorn to stop exploding around 1:50. Elegantly place the stick of butter in a tiny sauce pan and put over a gas stove at medium heat. Stare at it and swoosh it around a bit until it's all melted (but not boiling and splashing you in the eye). Magically, the popcorn and the margarine finish at about the same time, so grab the bowl, stick the fucking popcorn inside (Careful! It's hot, asshole!) Coat it with the melted "butter," stick a whole lot of salt on top, grab a Diet Coke (Grandma's Preference) and munch in a gluttonous manner while killing things and collecting objects in your favorite platformer.

Now if it's a difficult, action-type kick-your-ass game like God of War or Prince of Persia; you are going to need Taquitos. If you don't have Taquitos, expect your ass to be kicked. For those of you new to Taquitos, they're usually in the frozen section of the grocery store, somewhere by the pizza. They are thinly rolled tortillas filled with some sort of meat. And that's it. They're like really skinny burritos. Grandma likes the chicken, but the beef is delicious also. You can dip them into the salsa of your choice, or eat them plain for a quicker meal. Bottom line, they are perfect to eat for action games. You eat them like really long mozzarella sticks only without the uncomfortable "shit, the cheese won't break!"

Here's what you need:
A. 1 Can of Pepsi; 1 Larger Than Life Plastic Cup with ice.

B. TAQUITOS (3 Taquitos = 350 calories, they come in boxes of ten- which is about 1200 calories. Play it safe kids, don't give your life away.)

C. 1 Pack of Camel Turkish Royal Class A Cigarettes; 1 Ashtray; 1 Non-Childproof Lighter. Camel Turkish Royal tastes better than Marlboro, but burns faster, perfect for long cutscenes in games like God of War. Grandma's not a smoker, but I need these to watch her, so.... yeah.

D. 1 iPod with loud angry "I FUCKING HATE YOU" playlists filled with punk type music. Piped right into Grandma's head, or if she's really loud calling Kratos a "cocksucker"- my head.

So there you have it! Other than that, Grandma eats Blue Corn Chips, pretty much any brand will do as long as there is salt, but I warn you that eating these chips en masse will turn your poop green. And yes, hot salsa burns on the way out, too. I warned you. Also, if you're of age, the two best drinks for video games are the Dirty Martini (Vodka Martini with heavy olive juice) or my favorite- the Dr. Mario Screwdriver (A very tall glass of orange juice with a strong triple shot of extra dry gin and a splash of lime juice; consumed through a twisty straw.) Please note that these drinks may decrease your overall playing performance- but you won't notice or care.

Game on!

--More updates on the way!! Thanks for the comments and e-mails! What kind of food do you eat when you play? Discuss.....--


  • At 4:39 PM, Blogger Jesse said…

    You should try brekfast taquitos, they are packed with eggs, cheese, and bacon and make your toots smell like denny's (or perkins, or culvers, or village inn, or IHOP, or a wafflehouse, or whatever damned family 24hour brakfast bonanza you have where you live)

    oh yeah, and dip them in syrup for maximum delicousness.

  • At 5:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    i'm a particular fan of cheetos--especially hot cheetos (spicy cheetos with red dust that will stain the blackest of shirts and jeans)
    problem is, i don't want my controller to get dirty, so i wipe the dust on my pants and shirt...then again, red finger marks on your clothing is the *last* thing you want to see after playing fatal frame...

  • At 6:05 PM, Blogger Kirvi said…

    Hmmm... let's see, ditto definitely on Kraft smacaroni, popcorn, and assorted noodle-dishes. Never had a taquito, but we are quite fond of the frozen beef n bean burritos (purple package). Frozen pizzas (add your own canned mushrooms & Sargento's Bistro Blend grated Asiago & garlic parmesan cheese) are great with Morrowind. But I usually am too wound up to eat during a horror game. Milkshakes work well, here.

  • At 6:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Aha! For platformers, action-ey games like Prince of Persia, and party games like Worms 3D (wherein my husband will fuck you up if you don't pay attention), a frosty caffinated beverage is a necessity - I tend to favor Dr. Pepper. Since the action is crazy and there aren't many cutscenes, I just need something to slurp on after a tense moment, and lots of sugar and tasty caffiene to keep me awake and hyped. Maybe some white corn Tostidos, for the salty factor.

    RPGs offer a much different type of fare: that's when I get out some juice (none of this one-fruit shit, that's for WUSSIES. I get me some crazy mix, like guava-pineapple-mango or peach-orange-mango or generally anything involving mango and/or pineapple PLUS something else in any significant quantity is nice) with plenty of ice. For eats, I slice up come cucumbers and eat them with Trader Joe's spicy hummus. And if anyone's all "oh wah that's hippie food," those people can go to hell, because this hummus is fucking great. Trader Joe's, I should add, also makes a pretty damn good taquito. 1 minute in the microwave for two, filled with succulent shredded beef? Ha-cha-CHA!

    Last but not least: computer games. Hansen's soda is nice, because it tastes properly excellent and has no caffiene, which is proper because I usually hit World of Warcraft right before I go to bed. If it's just a short run, a single pop will do: however, if we are talking about running an instance or some such, I snap up some snack food. This is also usually some stuff from Trader Joe's, because they have tasty stuff that's lower in fat (and this is important to me as I cannot play DDR for exercise EVERY day), so I'm hittin' either their cheesy poofs or this crazy white-cheddar "Pirates Booty" ripoff they have called Unburied Treasure (that is the shiz-NIT). Good combo, that.

    I never knew that about blue corn chips. Very duly noted. There are also bags that contain blue, yellow, and RED chips, so I can only imagine...

    NO! Nevermind! No more imagining! AAA MY BRAIN!


    Be good, and game on!


  • At 7:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hey Tim, which bands fit into the "punk type music" genre?

    Thanks for the ass-kicking blog!

    A huge kiss for Grandma and you from one of yours top brazilian fan,

    PS: Blue, cucumbers rock!

  • At 8:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    "make your toots smell like denny's"
    --Are you talking gas? Or am I just really not bright...which is completely plausible.

    Thanks guys! I needed a good laugh. I've had the worst day today. I quite literally started reading this in tears and I am now feeling sooooo much better! I really needed this.

    In case you are curious I blogged about it:

    Have a good laugh at my expense. I deserve it! ;)

  • At 8:39 PM, Blogger Jesse said…

    " "make your toots smell like denny's"
    --Are you talking gas? Or am I just really not bright...which is completely plausible."

    Yes, toots are farts.

  • At 9:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I'm usually so into the game that I don't think about eating until I'm about to starve. But I'm usually drinking coffee and smoking Salem lights. Or drinking Icehouse.

  • At 10:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    you make me so happy. Im gonna have to try the Dr. Mario Screwdriver

  • At 12:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    My usual snack is generally a BIG ASS DR.PEPPER and Salt and Vinegar potato chips.

    I rarely drink Bawls which is possibly made of liquified ninja.

  • At 12:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Your coffee table looks a lot like mine. I have asked before, but I really want to know if Grandma has played Leisure Suit Larry. It just seems like a fun game for OGHC. Not challenging, but so funny! I love this game even though I'm a girl. It's good entertainment.

  • At 2:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I usually require a large bag of gummy bears (or wine gums, when available), and several large bottles of coke. Usually with some sort of rye mixed in (Crown Royal works best).

  • At 5:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Also, if you're of age, the two best drinks for video games are the Dirty Martini (Vodka Martini with heavy olive juice) or my favorite- the Dr. Mario Screwdriver (A very tall glass of orange juice with a strong triple shot of extra dry gin and a splash of lime juice; consumed through a twisty straw.) Please note that these drinks may decrease your overall playing performance- but you won't notice or care.

    Whoa, classy.

    As for me, I usually don't eat anything while I'm playing games, shit all over the controller = me not happy. I do usually have a two-liter of caffeine with soda in it, though.

  • At 4:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…


  • At 4:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    i am kan_kan

  • At 8:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    i like drinking Creamsicles myself...

    take a tumble sized glass, fill 1/4 with crushed ice/ice cubes and French Kiss vanilla liqour, 1/2 orange juice, and then top it off with heavy whipping cream, or milk if you're trying to watch your figure =P. stir it around until it becomes a pastel orange, and enjoy a nummy nummy drink. ^_^

  • At 5:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Oooh, all of those things sound nice. Unfortunately, I also can't eat most of that stuff because of food allergies. Buggeration!

    Popcorn, now... that popcorn recipe sounds goooooooooood. I'll have to try it out and soon. For myself, I usually go for either popcorn, corn chips or potato chips (carefully chosen to ensure no wheat or gluten is in them) or little fruit tubs for snacking while gaming. Drinks of choice? Coffee and tea. Caffeine = supremacy.


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