Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Cookies Need Love Like Everything Does

One of the advantages of having a gamer Grandma is the ability to really talk about games with someone without sounding like Level 60 Unemployed Mage. It's one thing to sit around discussing the merits of the realistic gun barrel sight system in Brothers In Arms with your roommate, who could care less; it's an entirely different conversation when it's your Grandma. At the very least it leads to some interesting dialogue about upcoming purchases.

Me - "So... why are you still playing Fatal Frame?"

G - "There's these mission mode.... ....things, look- shut up; I'm fighting ghosts."

Me - "Yeah, but people want to know what's next. This guy said you should-"

G - "Geist."

Me - "Oh, yeah. That's this week, huh?"

G - "The 19th"

Me - "Didn't that get a 4.5 score or something in EGM?"

G - "[Grandma is attacked by ghost] No!! COCKSUCKER!!! What did you say?"

Me - "Geist. It got shitty reviews in EGM."

G - "Alright, so I'll rent it. I don't know, Tim- Madden just came out; I want to buy Pirates from EB when we go to Chapel Hill.... um... The World Series of Poker-"

Me - "What?"

G - "Poker. I want to play poker on XBox Live."

Me - "Don't they already have-"

G - "Yeah, Stacked- I think it's called. I haven't played it yet."

Me - "We have a computer, you could just play online now."

G - "It's not the same."

Me - "Alright. [awkward pause] Oh! We're using your Xenosaga Memory card in the PS2 in the living room, Bobby wanted to start a new Katamari game but they only have three-"

G - "Wait- What did you do with my memory card?"

Me - "Cookies need love like everything does."

G - "........."

Me - "........It's from the Matr-"

G - "Yeah; no- I get it. ....DON'T DELETE THAT FUCKING FILE."

Me - "I won't."

G - "Well, don't let Bobby delete that file."

Me - "He won't; he's just-"

G - "Fine!! Go away!! I'm playing!!"

I knew there would be risks involved to talking with her while she attempted to rack up points in Fatal Frame. Every time the girl on screen is touched by a ghost she lets out a painful scream that somehow (perhaps vibration) vicariously transfers whatever stinging sensation that comes from paranormal contact directly to the part of Grandma's brain the processes polite conversation. Not to mention, Grandma was kind of down about the ending plot elements of the game. (I won't ruin it for anybody, but let's just say Grandma was a bit saddened by her character's choice. She almost cried, god dammit.)

She saved the memory card from Xenosaga Episode I so she could have "special features" or some such thing in the second installment. She waited a long time for the second game to come out; the whole time that 8mb was stuck in with game unable to be touched. We have a whole bunch of PS One cards lying around from our nostalgia trip a few months ago playing Fear Effect 2: Retro Helix, but only one other PS2 card. She still thinks of the Xenosaga card as "precious" the same way kids strangely find participation award ribbons from fairs as unique and collectable. She's a bit of a packrat. I'm picking up some more memory cards today.

I can't wait till we have a hard drive on that thing.

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