Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Cookies Need Love Like Everything Does

One of the advantages of having a gamer Grandma is the ability to really talk about games with someone without sounding like Level 60 Unemployed Mage. It's one thing to sit around discussing the merits of the realistic gun barrel sight system in Brothers In Arms with your roommate, who could care less; it's an entirely different conversation when it's your Grandma. At the very least it leads to some interesting dialogue about upcoming purchases.

Me - "So... why are you still playing Fatal Frame?"

G - "There's these mission mode.... ....things, look- shut up; I'm fighting ghosts."

Me - "Yeah, but people want to know what's next. This guy said you should-"

G - "Geist."

Me - "Oh, yeah. That's this week, huh?"

G - "The 19th"

Me - "Didn't that get a 4.5 score or something in EGM?"

G - "[Grandma is attacked by ghost] No!! COCKSUCKER!!! What did you say?"

Me - "Geist. It got shitty reviews in EGM."

G - "Alright, so I'll rent it. I don't know, Tim- Madden just came out; I want to buy Pirates from EB when we go to Chapel Hill.... um... The World Series of Poker-"

Me - "What?"

G - "Poker. I want to play poker on XBox Live."

Me - "Don't they already have-"

G - "Yeah, Stacked- I think it's called. I haven't played it yet."

Me - "We have a computer, you could just play online now."

G - "It's not the same."

Me - "Alright. [awkward pause] Oh! We're using your Xenosaga Memory card in the PS2 in the living room, Bobby wanted to start a new Katamari game but they only have three-"

G - "Wait- What did you do with my memory card?"

Me - "Cookies need love like everything does."

G - "........."

Me - "........It's from the Matr-"

G - "Yeah; no- I get it. ....DON'T DELETE THAT FUCKING FILE."

Me - "I won't."

G - "Well, don't let Bobby delete that file."

Me - "He won't; he's just-"

G - "Fine!! Go away!! I'm playing!!"

I knew there would be risks involved to talking with her while she attempted to rack up points in Fatal Frame. Every time the girl on screen is touched by a ghost she lets out a painful scream that somehow (perhaps vibration) vicariously transfers whatever stinging sensation that comes from paranormal contact directly to the part of Grandma's brain the processes polite conversation. Not to mention, Grandma was kind of down about the ending plot elements of the game. (I won't ruin it for anybody, but let's just say Grandma was a bit saddened by her character's choice. She almost cried, god dammit.)

She saved the memory card from Xenosaga Episode I so she could have "special features" or some such thing in the second installment. She waited a long time for the second game to come out; the whole time that 8mb was stuck in with game unable to be touched. We have a whole bunch of PS One cards lying around from our nostalgia trip a few months ago playing Fear Effect 2: Retro Helix, but only one other PS2 card. She still thinks of the Xenosaga card as "precious" the same way kids strangely find participation award ribbons from fairs as unique and collectable. She's a bit of a packrat. I'm picking up some more memory cards today.

I can't wait till we have a hard drive on that thing.

--More on the way! We just loves those comments and e-mails! Check out our donation meter! We're getting close, but we need your help!! We're doing great! We're up to $110.00, so all we need is $319.00; or about 11 donations of $30. If you haven't donated yet and you want to; go ahead, nobody's lookin'. Indulge yourself in guilty pleasure! Donate to our camera fund!--


  • At 9:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    So, when will the OGHC t-shirts be available?

    Mama Lombax

  • At 10:11 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I just discovered this through Yahoo ... Grandma rocks! She's the kind of woman I want to be when I reach that age. Keep gaming!

    Have you guys thought about opening a store on CafePress.com? I bet you could sell a bunch of t-shirts, bumperstickers, etc. Think about it! ;-D

  • At 10:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…


  • At 10:22 AM, Blogger CtrlAltDelete said…

    You people and your t-shirts :)

    Mama; Dana - we don't sell t-shirts and stuff for a couple reasons. First, we don't have any capital to really make t-shirts and stuff to sell. Second, and more important I think, we're not in this to make money. The donations are for a camera to keep up the funny. The second I visualize sitting around a table brainstorming funny bumpersticker ideas... "My Other Car Is A 69 Year Old Crazy Person--oghc.blogspot.com--" , "'Way to go fucker!' - Grandma Hardcore; --oghc.blogspot.com--" I start to lose respect for myself :)

    That being said, if you want to make your own t-shirts and need some artwork; we can do that shit for free!

  • At 10:44 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Best. Blog. Ever.

  • At 11:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    A very interesting site for a grandma.

  • At 11:23 AM, Blogger krystyn said…

    I have so been enjoying your blog. I also added you as a friend on XBoxLive - the people I play Halo 2 with are a super-friendly and fun bunch, and we do a lot of game variants and stuff that you and your grandma might like.

    Keep up the funny posts. I love them.

  • At 11:34 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    You know, I bet you could set up a CafePress store for shirts, etc. If I recall correctly, it allows you to set a price, so you could sell them at or near cost thus slaking the thirst of the t-shirt hungry masses, while also not making any dough off the venture.

  • At 11:44 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Haha, I love reading this blog. :D

    Regarding EGM's bad reviews of Geist.. From what I've heard, they've been dishing out bad reviews left and right and they are constantly having crappy features in their magazine that none of the readers agree with.. I still have faith in Geist. :)

  • At 11:46 AM, Blogger CtrlAltDelete said…

    We love new XBox live friends! Rock on!

    Alright you vultures :) Look at me, I'm clicking on a new window, see? I'm going to CafePress, watch what I'm doing here... ...okay, you can't see me at all... but the point is I'm looking into it for y'all. Right now. WE'll see what happens :) Shit, I want a t-shirt too!

  • At 11:55 AM, Blogger CtrlAltDelete said…

    uprc- Oh, she still wants to at least rent it first, and so do I. It's just we've learned that a bad review in GamePro, EGM, Game Informer, MTV Digital and the like is at least a red flag against going out and just buying it immediately.

    We want to possess stuff. It sounds fun.

  • At 12:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Chapel Hill? Really? Man, have i not been paying attention.

  • At 12:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    My mother just had knee replacement yesterday. Unfortunately she is not nearly as cool as your grandmother and wouldn't know how to play mario party much less anything else. It's my kids who are game addicts. Hope she is feeling better soon.

  • At 1:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I love your grandma!

    My own grandma claimed she was a Methodist, but she cussed like a sailor. She was a tough old braod, too, just like your grandma seems to be.

    I wonder if my grandma would have been around longer had she discovered video games......

    At any rate, keep gamin' Grandma!

    - KaraokeMistress

  • At 1:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    As long as I am putting in my 2 cents (again) how about a slogan that promotes freedom of expression or something else that lets the world know how OGHC feels about game censorship?

    Its all in how you look it. You're not pimping your sweet Grandma. You are both helping to preserve our civil rights.

    Viva La OGHC!

    - Mama Lombax

  • At 2:10 PM, Blogger pknyc said…

    Since i have found your website via digg.com, I've become an avid reader.
    I love video games as well and am jealous that you can converse with someone else like OGHC about video games.
    Too Cool!!!

    I, too, am a PT at bellevue hospital in NYC, and understand what your grandmother is going through.

    Tell her to keep her chin up, and keep moving.
    Sometimes the doctors aren't always right.

    Great work so far.

  • At 2:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Its friday and Im at work bored to death. found Granny on my yahoo. I love it. She's great. I dont play myself but the men in my house do. I think my Antonio would certainly wish she were his granny. I could see them up all hours of the night playing like crazy. Keep this up. YOU GO GRANNY!!!!:)

  • At 3:58 PM, Blogger CtrlAltDelete said…

    Thanks for the great comments everybody! When Grandma gets home today, she'll read through them like she usually does, doncha worry bout that none.

    sweethatred- Cheese sandwiches are pretty amazing, you have to admit- Grandma and were talking about them strangely enough after a trip from Gamestop. Here's the thing: Fatal Frame II and all the camera problems we were having while she was playing it really freaked the shit out of us. REALLY freaked the shit out of us. That entry about the nightmares and the camera- that happened. The second I start making stuff up on the blog is the moment it becomes more about me, and not Grandma. This is ALL about Grandma. So I laughed and made the suggestion "you know, that game is cursed, we should get rid of it."
    G- "How?"
    Me- "Ebay!"
    G- "No one is going to buy a fucking haunted game on Ebay."
    Me- "They bought a haunted cheese sandwich!"
    G- "Bullshit. What?"
    Me- "No! Really! Some guy put up a funny page or something about a haunted cheese sandwich and sold it on Ebay!"
    G- "That's stupid."
    Me- "Yeah, but it was funny. No one actually thought it was haunted."
    G- "....You know, I want a cheese sandwich now that we're talking about this."
    Me- "Yeah, fucking...Munster on white toasted in butter, man."
    G- "Let's get some lunch."

    Cheese sandwiches are great! Maybe if you picked up an old PSOne or a Super Nintendo and hooked it up for her with a couple Casino games, maybe some Super Mario and show her what to do- she'd get into it. Grandma is a bigger gamer than I am, but we still have fights about how to plug in the switching unit to the consoles (S Video versus Component Video; Surround Sound, all that stuff) to the point where she just comes out and says "fuck it, you plug all this in, I just want to play."

    Give her a chance :) There are TONS of gaming grandmas and gaming moms out there, they write me e-mails and drop comments all the time. Each of them are into different stuff. Grandma just happenes to be my favorite gamer, is all.

    Thanks again for the comments and donations everybody!!

  • At 6:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    You might be able to buy a new PS2 card by selling all of your old PS1 cards. You can transfer the files from the PS1 cards to the PS2 card and they only take up about 10K. Then just keep one PS1 card so you can still use it to play PS1 games and just copy and delete the save files as needed.

  • At 7:22 PM, Blogger Shanna said…

    Um... so like, does your Gramma do any ass-kicking in real life? Because my finace could really use one. He HATES video games, and i haven't been able to touch one (to avoid the incessant grumbling) since Tekken 3. AARGH.

    PS: Your Gramma kicks ass.


  • At 7:23 PM, Blogger Shanna said…

    Finace = fiance.


  • At 9:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hello from Japan,

    I have a question... did grandma play other difficulty modes, Hard and Nightmare?
    (If she did, its OK, don't waste your time by reading further.)

    Fatal Frame and Fatal Frame 2 have 2 or 3 endings depend on difficulty mode.
    You can start with your mission mode save data, choose difficulty and just start it with your strongthened camera.
    There are other endings, other choices, other fates... don't miss them.

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