Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Living With Grandma Hardcore

At around 9:00am this morning, Grandma was in the kitchen drinking some coffee. "I swear to GOD, if I can't figure out where this FUCKING doll's head is..." Grandma is stuck in Fatal Frame 2: The Crimson Butterfly for the Playstation 2. Apparently she's missing an item and can't continue; she wanders the games hallways searching for ghosts that, at the moment; make noise and do not appear, screaming "WHERE IS THE GOD DAMN GHOST?? I HEAR IT!! DO YOU HEAR IT?? I FUCKING HEAR IT!! IT ISN'T FUCKING THERE!!! FUCK!!!!"

Grandma wears a hearing aid. She turns up the amplifier so the desk, shelves and walls shake. Her uninhibited screaming augments the explosion of noise coming from the East side of our house. The center of the house vibrates to superhappy J-Pop from Katamari Damacy. Sometimes it's a bit difficult to "get away from it all" when you have to study or, say- sleep for instance. I don't mind, don't get me wrong; a 69 year old video game playing granny is not something one takes lightly. Never had I sat in the living room studying the DSM-IV thinking to myself "You know, I really wish Grandma would stop yelling the word 'cocksucker' while playing Contra."

There is always a solution.

No solution, however, comes without conflict. I may be grooving to Rilo Kiley on the couch reading a book and smoking a cigarette; enjoying a mid-evening cocktail if you will; and I look up to see a frustrated Grandma looking down at me.

"Take off the headphones! I've been screaming and screaming for you! I thought you left!"
"Jesus! Why, what's wrong?"
"I can't find any more ammo."
"I keep running out of fucking ammo! You have to beat this guy."
"I've never played that game."
"Well I can't fucking do it, god dammit!!"

The next stage of this oft repeated ritual usually involves me asking what buttons do what; dying a whole bunch of times and giving up and going back to whatever I was doing. A half hour later or so, a triumphant Grandma will appear in the kitchen.

"I GOT the bastard!"

--More on the way! We were a Yahoo Daily Pick today! If it's your first time here; cruise the videos on the right; browse the archives (just scroll down, we're not that big) and send us some e-mails! We love the comments and e-mails...... Video #7 is coming up TODAY, watch for it!--


  • At 11:05 AM, Blogger Leci said…

    Well at least you get a chance to play, I guess. xDD

  • At 11:38 AM, Blogger Sheila said…

    I can really do without the four letter words.

    I'll remember not to come here again.

  • At 12:14 PM, Blogger willywahoo said…

    sheila you're a humorless idiot.

    a "fucking" humorless idiot if I may add.

  • At 1:01 PM, Blogger Binsk said…

    Yayyyyyyyyyyy Video number 7!!

  • At 1:03 PM, Blogger Binsk said…

    Hey Sheila fucking is 7 letters and cocksucker is 10...is that okay?

    Oh yeah she's never coming back here I forgot.

  • At 2:33 PM, Anonymous Hauk said…

    what a retard

  • At 3:25 PM, Anonymous UPRC said…

    Haha, every post you make about your grandmother is just great! I t must be quite a thrill to live with such a woman. :D

  • At 5:17 PM, Anonymous PJMustang351 said…

    This site really rocks. Thanks so much for sharing it. Rock on Grannie! And...I don't hear her playing racing games. Does she like to play racing games? Or has she ever?

  • At 6:22 PM, Anonymous Kerry said…

    Quite the funny one, Willy!

    And what would she expect from a site so aptly named 'Old Grandma Hardcore"?

  • At 12:21 AM, Anonymous jonathan bennett said…

    Congrats on being a Yahoo pick. Have you been Slashdotted yet? Did you think this site would take off the way it has?

  • At 12:22 AM, Anonymous jonathan bennett said…

    Sheila sounds bitter and depressed. May you find happiness in life, Sheila!

  • At 4:25 AM, Anonymous ViNce said…

    This is the best [insert four letter fucking word here ] blog i've ever read. Wait...you're right binsk, it is seven letters...d'oh!

    Seriously, i've been reading this blog for about a month now.

    Thanks for the laughs you two.

  • At 9:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I love this site. It cracked me up all morning while sitting at work. The others in the office thought I just lost my mind. Thanks Granny! Keep playing those games and enjoying life.....fuck the doctors!

  • At 11:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    UPRC said it must be awesome to live with such a woman... well for me it is driving that enables the Sailor Mouth but I'm not sure my teenage son thinks its so great. Although his friends get a kick out of it...

    You go Grandma! Let it all out, all those years of repressed frustrations. Express yourself, keep those neurons in your brain firing. Gaming is a better use of your time and energy than letting your brain turn to mush watching soaps, talk shows and reality tv.

    And the next time some twitty little rehab tech tells you to take the pain because you are stronger, show her how strong you are by kicking her in the mouth!

    Game on Grandma!

  • At 12:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    My grandma curses all the time, but never played video games. Cursing is just part of it, unless you're like a monk or something, in which case you wouldn't be playing video games anyway. I even curse sometimes when I play the Urbz, Katamari Damacy, and DDR (when I almost break my ankle.) But I'm kinda high-strung.

  • At 1:06 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hey Sheila,
    Why didn't your profanity filter block this site? Reminds me of the time I went to buy some smokes and the guy at the counter tried to tell me that it was bad and that he would never smoke. Weird shit like that happens to me all the time. Anyways, all I could think was that all the stuff I say I'd never do, I usually end up doing at some point. So I never say never anymore. Bottom line, if you can get through a game without at least an "oh shit" or "f-ing a", pin a rose on your nose. But I still don't believe you, and you probably have a lot of pent up anger. How good should we be?

  • At 2:29 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    This site actually D3 Gold dirt. Thanks a lot a great deal regarding discussing the idea. Steel in Grannie! And...I really don't notice the girl actively playing race activities. Will your woman enjoy playing GW2 gold rushing activities? Or perhaps has she at any time?


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