Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

O, The Childhood Memories

After talking with some family who discovered the site via Fazed (instant recognition, moments of "yeah, that's gotta be Mom...") I realized that Grandma's gaming cred goes way back before I was born. I knew she played an Atari 6400, but I assumed my first memories of her passion were angry controller spiking and fervent swearing with the likes of the Duck Hunt / Mario Brothers bundled pack with the original NES. Not so, it turns out. My mother and her siblings tell tales of Donkey Kong, Pac Man (and the subsequent feminist hit, "Ms. Pac Man") with Grandma having a similar attitude. She says: "Christ, I remember her swearing at Pong." I can remember the big antique arcade screens at bowling allys and bars, but even I didn't assume she sought after them. I suppose it fits her character.

In light of this new information, here are some memories of days gone by:

[in a mocking voice, trying to sound mentally ill] "Neeayh! The Princess is in another castle!!"

"Did you see that?! The fucking dog is laughing at me!! I wonder if you can SHOOT HIM!!" [fires several rounds from a red NES pistol]
Me- "You're wasting your ammo"
Grandma - "Shut the fuck up. I hate the dog."

[playing Milon's Secret Castle] "I can't get on the FUCKING LEDGE!! HE WON'T JUMP, DAMMIT!!"

[playing Gauntlet] "What did it say? I shot the food? Couldn't I STILL EAT IT WITH AN ARROW STICKING OUT!? I'M NOT GOING TO EAT THE ARROW!!"

[playing Empire Strikes Back on SNES] "Jump! JUMP DAMN YOU!!! FUCK!!!!"

[playing Disney's Aladdin on Genesis] "I swear to Christ, I can't get on the ledge. It's impossible. They made this game impossible." [ten minutes later] "FUCK!!!"

[playing Columns] "AAAHHHH!!!!!!"

[playing DuckTales] "I swear to God. This is so... look, if it's this hard how are kids suppose to do this, when even I can't? It's Donald Duck!! It's for god damn KIDS!"

[playing Spot Goes To Hollywood] "Get on the LEDGE!!! JUMP, DUMMY!!" [shows me the controller] Look!!! I'm fucking pressing.... [mashes buttons on controller until face turns red from stress] ...the FUCKING BUTTON!!!!"

More to come... Thanks for the comments! Pictures coming soon!

---Update: Welcome digg.com readers!!
We made the frontpage on digg.com! Very cool honor from a very cool site.

Open replies to e-mails and comments: Yes, she really talks like this. Yes, it's sort of intimidating for new players to come over and face her. No, she's not on Xbox-Live; and here's why: Grandma doesn't like playing online. She doesn't like the idea of an eleven year old calling her a cock-shit. Most XBox Live players are pretty cool, but you have one bad experience... It's the same reason she doesn't eat at Bob's Big Boy anymore (just replace the foul-mouthed pre-teen with a boody scab in a burger and you get the idea.) Halo 2 is one thing, but the idea of someone watching her struggle in an RPG sort of scares her, so you won't find FFXI in her top ten.

Also: a couple of you pointed out "Atari 6400? ...what the shit is that?" Couldn't tell ya. I was an infant when she would put a cartridge in a black and brown looking thingy and some dots on the screen thing would move and go 'beep!', so... you're right, I don't remember the model number on her first system, but I will find out for you. When she talked about it I thought she refered to it as a 6400, but I could be wrong. Again, my first cogent memories of the woman were two player mode on Super Mario Brothers. Good eye, though, thanks for the catch.

Thanks for the comments! If all goes well (she rented Prince of Persia last night) I will have pictures up by tommorow. ---


  • At 2:14 PM, Blogger BrooklynKnight said…

    Dude, I wish we were brothers. Seriously. As much as I love both my grandmothers to death. (Bless their russian granny cooking ways "yum") it would be a blast to get to sit around and share something like video games with my grandparents.

    You lucky SOB.

  • At 10:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    bookmarked and now awaiting pics

  • At 2:37 AM, Blogger TP said…

    I think you would do the world a great favor if you got this lovely woman Xbox Live.

  • At 3:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    yeah show some pics or else this is all just BULLSHIIIIIT

  • At 9:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I always shot the food, too, with just about the same reaction.

  • At 9:53 AM, Blogger Bryan-Mitchell said…

    What's an Atari 6400??? Was that one of atari's computers? or do you mean the 2600?

  • At 9:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Umm, Atari 6400? Welcome to fantasy land.

    - Typing on my Commodore 52.

  • At 4:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I think you mean an Atari 2600.

  • At 12:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Heck, I'm a little tired of all the foul mouthed kids on Halo 2 myself. You know half of them are using cheats/modifications. I like to piss them off by reminding them that they're not old enough to play Halo, that seems to work pretty well. :)

  • At 10:01 AM, Blogger Collin said…

    Yeah, seeing Atari 6400 tossed a wrench in my gamer brain. The consoles Atari made were the 2600, 5200 and 7800 (although I'm not sure if that was a console or if it was meant to be a "computer" like the Commodore Vic 20). If you remember it being brown then odds are it was a 2600. I haven't seen one in years but I'm pretty sure they had wood panel stickers on them so they would blend in well in the "den".

  • At 9:59 AM, Blogger Kathleen said…

    We had Atari - it was black. We also had Pong and I remember it being a shit-brown mustard color with two little slidey things on either side. Man, I sucked at that game...

  • At 8:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I have a working Atari 2600, and it came in a genuine 100% authentic artificial woodgrain finish, to better match the 26 inch RCA woodgrain-finish console TV I used to play it on (a console TV, for those who've never heard of one, is a TV with a swivel base that is guaranteed to pinch your fingers if you ever try moving the TV). In fact, I've been temped to get the woodgrain decal kit for my PS2 and my Gamecube.

    Let your grandma play Sled Storm for PS2. I'm playing that one and I guarantee she would be swearing loud enough at that game for me to hear it in Wisconsin!

  • At 4:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Do the lady perform Cheap diablo 3 GoldCastlevania: Lament involving Purity (the main one intended for PS2)??? I'm a massive enthusiast in the Castlevania series, even so was pissed off of as well as let down with the level design. I wanted this fortGW2 Gold to become because complex as Prince connected with Persia: SoT. That shit's fuggin' massive!


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