Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Grandma's Secret Stash: Part II

Continuing on with the Secret Stash feature, we come to The Squaresoft, Square Enix, Namco bunch, Including the most beloved game of all time. Don't let the titles scare you, she's not just into RPG's, not at all. Check out the videos on the menu to the right if you haven't yet and you'll see what I mean. Even if you're not the RPG type, an epic masterpiece is very refreshing after kicking some ass in Twisted Metal or Need for Speed, and believe me when I tell you, those asses were kicked many times over by our 69 year old hero.

Here we go...
Final Fantasy X-2
Brady Games / Dan Birlew

They knew what they were doing. They knew they had legions of FF fans out there that would buy anything with some cool artwork on the cover blessed with the Square stamp of goodness. And yet they did it anyway. You have to forgive them, though, they are the Square, The Alpha and the Omega if you will.

Most Grandma moment: "What the hell is this?? I have to change their 'outfits' for stuff?? [...] WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?"

Xenosaga Episode II
Brady Games / David Cassady / Laura Parkinson

Personally, if I want to watch anime, I go do it. This game has a whole lot of cut scenes full with dialogue. And that takes awhile before you get back to the gameplay. I didn't get in to either of these, but Grandma can't get ENOUGH. Every god damn month it was "When are they gonna come out with the second one? How long has it been now? I still got the first one on a memory card so I have stuff for the second...."

Most Grandma moment: see above paragraph.

Final Fantasy X
Brady Games / Dan Birlew

I remember Grandma and I calling the game store because we thought there would be a rush for this game. We were so excited they made FF for PS2, because if you look at all the rest of the series, more disks = more gameplay, and that's what she likes. This was on a motherfucking DVD, it had a whole shitload of space to work with, so I expected her to play this until the day Tom Cruise saves us from the aliens. She was done in less than a month, and it only took her that long because she was working at the same time.

Most Grandma moment: "Can you mute the voices on this? He sounds so fucking whiney."

Final Fantasy IX
Brady Games / Dan Birlew

The easiest of all the Final Fantasy Series; dude's got a tail. What more can be said other than we actually liked Spirit Within when it came out after this, even though the whole movie was about god damn Ultima.

Most Grandma moment: "I wish I had to ...you know, level up or something to kill the bosses... what's the point?"

Final Fantasy Chronicles: FFIV / ChronoTrigger
Brady Games Dan Birlew

I wasn't actually there when Grandma played these, I was "off at college" or some such thing. I know she played them both because she was impressed enough to keep the set.

Most Grandma moment: "Man..... ....this takes me back.

Final Fantasy VIII
Brady Games / David Cassady

I remember Grandma and I getting a demo disk that included the trailer for this "up-and-coming" game. It just blew us away. The introduction cut scene with the ocean, and the flowers and the Gunblade and the guy..... holy shit, that was good. This game did not disappoint, Grandma definitely got into this one; enough to spend hours at a time on that Island "closest to hell" or whatever just maxing out characters she knew she wasn't even going to need for the final fight.

Most Grandma moment: "It's A DINOSAUR!! How do you beat THE DINOSAUR?? SHIT!!!! .....oh that was easy. You freeze him. [twelve hours later] THE DRAGON!!! HOW DO YOU BEAT THE DRAGON?????"

Final Fantasy VII
Brady Games / David Cassady

This is Grandma's beaten up, dog-eared, slightly chewed copy of the FF7 Guide. It might as well be Dr. Jones leather bound, handwritten diary accounting the location of the Holy Grail. That location? Midgar, dude. Midgar.

Most Grandma moment: The day Aeris (or Aerith if you like) died, Grandma had to have a moment to herself. I had not gotten that far yet on my save and she wouldn't tell me what was wrong. Oh, I found out all right.

And to answer a question posed on Ask Grandma Hardcore that didn't get answered yet, her favorite was Sephiroth. How's that for a cruel twist?

And that's it for Grandma's Secret Stash! If gaming was a touching yet deeply somber film, Grandma would be Morgan Freeman. If gaming was a sport (and it is to many people), Grandma would be LeBron Fucking James. A 69 year old cross-dressing James, of course; with a team that could actually back his ass up when he needs it. If gaming was like writing Romantic era prose, Grandma would be Samuel Taylor Coleridge. Why? 'Cause she doesn't take shit from anybody, including Wordsworth! Game on!

Keep sending the comments and e-mails; we love the e-mails, man! Don't be shy!

--More to come!!--

--Update: Be sure to look for Grandma mentioned on MTV Overdrive tonight after 9:00pm [EST] (She's on the MTV News Overnight Edition); MTV News interviewed Grandma and me for a segment, and I haven't seen the article or the bit so it might make us look like complete jackasses for all I know but go watch it, god dammit!

[Most of you know this all ready, but Firefox users (that includes me), to watch MTV Overdrive, you need to dust off Internet Explorer for a while. I know, I know.... it's okay. Microsoft made the XBox remember? Viacom brought us the Daily Show, right? They don't want to hurt you.]--


  • At 9:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Grandma should have a column in EGM or something.

  • At 10:42 AM, Blogger winged_eel said…

    Grandma. You've made my day. Keep on rocking out.


  • At 10:45 AM, Blogger winged_eel said…

    Look I know this is my second post in 3 minutes, but I just have to say, Grandma tells it like it is.

    You need to work for Sony and tell them what they need to know.


  • At 10:56 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    hey Grandma! :D

    Can we like donate so you can get your games?

    Biggest oghc fan ever!!!!!!!!!!!

  • At 12:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Rats, Just When grandma Hardcore was getting cool you whore yourself out Advertiseing for Gaming companys. I'm still not sure this whole thing isn't a setup now.

    Stay tuned for Hardcore Grandpa soon...I'm sure I could convince my Poor broke uncle to curse a few times for a webcam.

  • At 1:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    well... I can safely say that your grandma is revered by many. I'm happy for you. The two of you are cool!

    My main question relates to this whole thing with Hot Coffee and the anti-gaming faction.

    What is Grandma's take on it? Does she feel that games of certain natures should have their ratings bumped up to AO (and therefore, damn near unbuyable in local stores) levels because of content? How much control does she feel parents of underaged kids should exert over their kids' game playing habits and choices?

    Lastly, When is her birthday? I would like to have a toast for her in her honor in my country. :)

  • At 1:52 PM, Blogger CtrlAltDelete said…

    It was going to come up sooner or later, so now is as good a time as any:

    Grandma's opinion of Hot Coffee and it's consequences focuses all around the parents. "If the parents know what their kids are playing based on content rather than just ratings, people wouldn't bitch so much when their shocked when they walk by the screen and see some nudity or hear cuss words." They don't think about it; if you would buy your child a game called GRAND THEFT AUTO, what do you imagine it's going to be about? If a game called GRAND THEFT AUTO was rated "E for Everyone" would you not take the time to look at the back cover to check the tone of the game because the self regulated board is infinite in its wisdom? I hope not. My aunt does not let my cousin play mature games. And by mature I don't mean the ratings, I mean the content. She does five minutes of research to figure out if the game is too rough for him. If it's not a game she would prefer he play, he doesn't get it. Parents need to look at it less of as a $20+ liability and more of how many hours they intend to let the kid play the game, and understand their own responsibility in allotting that time for certain content.

    Self regulation works. Self regulation is effective, however, only on an educated consumer base. Will the governments of the world need to step in to assist? Nope. Not unless they truly don't trust its constituency to make the right decisions.

    Grandma and I have talked a lot about this, because like many readers of oghc who have e-mailed me, and many of the store clerks I have spoken with have horror stories of being in game stores, watching a six year old pick up Manhunt, take it to Mommy, Mommy takes it to store clerk and store clerk says "Mamn, this game contains...blah blah blah..." and Mommy says "Oh, it will be fine for little Jimmy..."; store clerk shrugs and makes the sale; Mommy writes a letter to the editor a week later about the appalling state of violence in "kids" games. Mommy has no one to blame but herself.

    There is much complexity to this issue, but this is the fundamentals of our conversations.

    Here's my take: Grandma has been a gamer for a long time. She also reads a lot of books. If little Jimmy goes into Borders and shows Mommy a copy of Updike's masterpiece "Rabbit at Rest" (because rabbits are silly :) !!); Mommy takes it to Border's clerk; Border's clerk says "This book contains graphic sex scenes and....." and Mommy says "Oh, I think Little Jimmy will be fine, besides he just loves New Yorker Magazine!"; one probably won't see Mommy's letter to the editor a week later, because the newspaper won't fucking print it. They won't regulate books simply because they are "less accessible to a young audience"... ...well who's fault is that??

    I could go on, but dude, victor: I'm hungry. I'm getting a taco.

    Thanks for your comments and e-mails everybody!! (yeah, even you 'oghc is a fraud' guy; we think you're special)


  • At 1:53 PM, Blogger CtrlAltDelete said…

    February 1st, 1936


  • At 2:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I second the person who said that you guys need a column at EGM or something. Someone should forward this onto them.

  • At 4:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Your grandma is what I will be when I'm her age ^_^ Awesome!

  • At 4:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Does your grandmother want my old copy of Suikoden 4? I don't play it anymore.

    Best blog ever. :)

  • At 7:59 PM, Blogger The Burnt Pizza said…

    For the skeptics: I have known Grandma for 6 years. She first taught me the word "cocksucker." As far as advertisement whores go, why can't we all be friends?

  • At 8:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Found this a few days ago, linked from memepool. This is indeed, the *best* blog ever.

    And yes, I know the pains of being stuck in parts of games. While I found most of Prince of Persia pretty easy, there were some tricky parts. And there is one part I have yet to escape from, leaving me at for now, permanently at an impasse with this game for lack of being able to access it for the time being. anyways, has your grandma played any of the Tenchu series? awesome and difficult (to perfect) and good gameplay.

  • At 9:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Ah no no no MTv stay as far away from them as possible MTv is more for the sell out crowd.As you can see if you need IE to view somthing on MTv that sez enough.

    Grandma keep the old school alive!

  • At 10:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    lol, you have one of the coolest grandmas in the world! Got here from a link on an LJ and man, she is a riot. XD Lol, to hear her cuss at Prince of Persia...priceless. XD

    She also gets bonus points for being a Suikoden fan. XD I wonder who her favorite character is...

    ~ Meg

  • At 1:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    all these people whining about selling out....plz die k thx?

    everyone needs to make some kind of money, who are you to tell someone they can't review games they're gonna play anyway and get paid.

    i hate how everyone these days are so "omg noo you sold out!!"

    keep on pressing forward grandma, you're making the world a lot better place, one update at a time!

    (to the haters, most of you are porbably emo kiddies.. so i would like to recommend that you go take a shower, listen to some random indie music and use some razor blades as soap)

  • At 7:28 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…


    Great response from the both of you.

    I shall remember to toast to your grandmother's health and your own.

    Suffice it to say though, if anything else, we are children of the blogosphere, for only the power of the blog could bring together so many people to read about the exploits of one Grandma Hardcore.

    Even if this whole ratings fiasco has nothing to do with me, I get this deep wish to see have your grandma give Sen. Thompson a stiff talking-to. Or at least even more diplomatic emails.

    Apparently, he hasn't been paying much attention to the well-crafted words of diplomatic gamers in America, disregarding their arguments. If ever you chose to send emails to Clinton and Thompson, rest assured that I would stand behind you, on the very long postscript that has my name on it, as proof that I strongly believe in your Grandma's words. :)

    Ladies and gents... Grandma Hardcore...

    FOR PRESIDENT!!!! :)

  • At 12:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    But what if I don't have Internet Explorer! :(

  • At 12:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    ur grandmother is the coolest person i have ever seen. has she tried playing tales of symphonia for gc or even shadow hearts for the ps2? those games r just awesome!!

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