Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Grandma's Secret Stash: Part I

Earlier I posted about Grandma's load of strategy guides, and it's about time to go through them. A reminder; she only used strategy guides when she got stuck, when those couple of percentage points she had yet to reach beckened her to open pandora's box.

These bring back the memories, though. Every time the store clerk would ask "...and you want the strategy guide to go with it, right?" She would look down at her feet like she was about to betray a friend and mumble "....yeah, what the hell... fuck."

So let us begin....

Blood Omen: Legacy of Kain
Crystal Dynamics
Prima Publishing / Ian Osborne

Oh hell yeah. Grandma has played the entire series right from its early days; and this one ended up right in the middle, continuing all the way to Soul Reaver 2.

Most Grandma moment: "Suck his BLOOD!! Suck his BLOOOOD!!! [turns to me] I LOVE THIS!!"

Dark Cloud 2
Sony Entertainment

Prima Publishing / Gerald Guess

Grandma bought this game based on her love of the first Dark Cloud, and she wasn't disappointed. I remember it took her awhile to finish, but the longer games are her favorite anyway.

Most Grandma moment: [me] "You still playing that?"
[Grandma] "...yeah..."

[me] "....so, what are you doing?"
[Grandma] "...synthesizing...."

[me] ".....what's that?"
[Grandma] "...shut up...I'm playing this..."

Devil May Cry

Versus Books / Casey Loe

After Grandma put the smack down on the Giant Magma Spider (took her awhile at first), she made this game her bitch. She got every secret mission, she enjoyed the boss fights, she got really into it. She played this a lot, and went out and bought the next one as soon as it came out despite the reviews, and she loved it.

Most Grandma moment: "You stupid fucking CAT! Fucking DIE!!!" [and so it did]

Silent Hill
Konami Entertainment
Brady Publishing / David Cassady

Grandma bought Silent Hill on the PSX way back when because she loved Resident Evil, she loved horror games, and god dammit this was a horror game.

Most Grandma moment: "Why are there always.... FUCKING DOGS?! [Grandma has died] ....GOD DAMN!!"

Silent Hill 2
Konami Entertainment
Brady Publishing / Dan Birlew

Despite her frustration with our canine zombie brothers, she knew she couldn't go wrong with this one. It was SILENT HILL! Only this time, it was on that new-fangled Playstation 2 everyone was talking about...

Most Grandma moment: [upon seeing mannequin beast for the first time] "HA!! Look at that thing!! Those Legs are attacking me!! That's cool!"

Prima Playstation Game Secrets #3
Prima Publishing / Nick Roberts / Simon Hill / Ian Osborne

Grandma bought this book because she likes a bargain, and at the time, we had pretty much every game listed on the cover. Yes, Grandma played Die Hard Trilogy, Crash Bandicoot, Mortal Kombat, Wipeout XL.....

Most Grandma moment: "The Mortal Kombat movie sucked."
[me as a little boy] "but... but Scorpion!"
[Grandma] "They just copied his fatality, it wasn't even how I pictured it..."

Parasite Eve
Brady Games / David Cassady

When Grandma bought this game, she worshipped (as she still does) the very ground on which Squaresoft was birthed. Very naturally she adored this game, and tried to explain the intricacies of Mitochondria to me once. When she saw the Japanese movie of the same name, she sorrowfully muttered "It's just not the same without the Chrysler Building..."

Most Grandma moment: [me] "What are you doing?"
[Grandma] "Leveling up. I want to beat this guy..."
[me five hours later] "What are you doing?"
[Grandma] "Leveling up...."

Gex: Enter The Gecko
Crystal Dynamics
Dimension Publishing / David Jon Winding

Grandma got a kick out of this game. She laughed at all the jokes, she ate all the bugs, she got the innuendo. here's an excerpt from the guide: "Gex [...] is the best video game I have played and believe me, I've played them all..." Not bad for 1998.

Most Grandma moment: "I'm a STORM TROOPER!! That's great! ...HA!! I'm on fire!! BURN ASSHOLE!!!"

Resident Evil 4
Brady Games / Dan Birlew

Christ. What can be said about this. This brought her GameCube back to life after Zelda.

Anything else that could possibly said is said here.

--More to come!!--

--News: Grandma got a link from Austrian Radio Station FM4!! I streamed the audio and dude: Austria knows how to rock. They don't censor a god damn thing Trent Reznor says. Keep rocking Austria!


  • At 1:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I loved Parasite Eve. The second one was ok, but not as good as the first.

    Love the Silent Hill games. Hope the movie is good.

  • At 4:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    hehe im from austria and dude, your grandma rocks too!
    really keep on gaming ;D

  • At 4:39 PM, Blogger EazyCheeze said…

    Lovely! Makes me wish my grandmothers (one is passed away unfortunately, and one's in the nursing home) liked video games, and wonder how they'd react to them.

    As to a comment I read attached to "The Cat is Out of the Proverbial Bag" saying this is completely a fake, how many 70-year olds does the commenter know would hold a controller and make a face of pure concentration on demand for the photo we saw in the post? All of them I know would think such a prospect silly in the extreme, so the only explanation (for me at least) is it's real. No doubt others would still question the veracity of the Grandma Hardcore after thinking about this, but this is good enough for me! :)

    Keep up the good work, Grandma, and may you have many happy years of gaming ahead!

  • At 4:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Found this blog throgh fm4, and man...I LOVE it! I was nearly bored to death tonight, but then I found this blog and started to read about your granny...it's sooooo~o great, I nearly laughed my arse off xD
    Thank you SOOOOOO much fpr sharing your granny with the world. She just rocks :-3

  • At 6:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hey Boy!

    I fucking love this AWSOME blog. you and your grandma rock SO HARD! she could give me some advice for zelda:windwaker. i got problems with that game. shame on me :-)

    so. lovely greetings from germany!

  • At 11:02 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    you suck easycheze! grandma isnt fake!

    game on!

  • At 6:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    hey there guy.. I'm sittin here in good old Austria and well - pretty good stuff on your site. Greets to your granny. she definitely rocks. so does fm4;).

  • At 10:31 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    EXCELLENT SITE!!! VISIT US AT http://www.enterbet.com

  • At 3:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Really, I seenCheap Runescape Money that almost any press wall socket these days actually leaves the actual Innovation outside in this lurch. To not be considered a fanboy (well, an excessive amount of a single) yet could not many people no less than accept that there's a Buy Diablo 3 goldlarge several rather than a big 2?

  • At 6:02 AM, Anonymous USMACLINIC said…

    Very nice post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wished to say that I’ve truly enjoyed surfing around your blog posts. If you facing any sexual issue You can contactBest sexologist in India

  • At 4:01 AM, Anonymous USMACLINIC said…

    Very interesting to read this article i would like to thank you for the efforts you had made for writing this article . if you are facing any problem regarding sexual problem consult as at top sex clinic


Post a Comment

<< Home