Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Saturday, November 08, 2008

Let's back up for a minute...

Okay!

Here is what I've been up to: Work work work work work work work. I don't think I've played a game in months. It makes me sad.

Here's what Grandma has been up to: NCAA Football 08', Metal Gear Solid 4, F.E.A.R., Infinite Undiscovery, Fable II, Resistance 2, and now Fallout 3.

She just started Fallout 3 and Resistance 2, so there isn't much to say yet. But I can give you a quick rundown of what life has been like recently.

After she had her EA fun with the commercial thing, she decided to focus more time on sports games. She has said in countless interviews "I don't play sports games because I fucking suck at them." She wanted to change that a bit. She dived right in to NCAA Football '08. Mainly because '09 wasn't out yet and she saw a bit of the new Madden when she was in Orlando and thought it looked pretty good.

To hear the EA guys explain it, the new Madden would be perfect for her. The 'old' EA sports games were intimidating with complication and learning curves that made a lot of gamers squirm. Anticipating the new game, she bought an old one from the bargain bin at Wal-Mart to see what the hell they were talking about.

It turns out that EA is filled with silver-tongued demons who can only lie.

NCAA '08 was difficult for Grandma. For a day or two. Then it got so ridiculously fucking easy she played it for a week solid out of spite.

Being a Buckeye gal, she chose Ohio State as her favorite team. Her very first matchup after a dozen or so tutorials was Michigan State. A bitter rival only seemed appropriate for her first slaughter. In the RPG mentality of things, you first have to be destroyed by an all powerful evil force so you can truly appreciate the hours and hours of life wasted by leveling up and learning the ropes.

Applied to sports games, it looks like this:

Day 1
"Goddammit, I can't kick the fucking ball straight!"

"SHIT! Interception."

"FUCK!! INTERCEPTION!"

"NOOOOOOO!!!! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU THROWING THE GODDAMN BALL TO! This SUCKS!"

"COCKSUCKER!"
-"What?"
"I can't believe I did that."
-"Did what?"
"I RAN THE WRONG. FUCKING. WAY."
-"Well that's embarrassing."
"Motherfucking SAFETY. God DAMN."

Final Score: Ohio State 0 - Michigan 51

Day 2
"YAY! I SCORED A TOUCHDOWN! ALRIGHT! WOOOOO!!!! You fucking SUCK, Michigan!"

"YAAAAAAAY!!! I SCORED AGAIN!"

"ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! KEEP IT GOING!"
-"What quarter is it?"
"Still the first, I think."
-"Did you change the difficulty?
"No. I think I just figured out what the hell these different plays mean."
-"Ah. You want to bump up the difficulty?"
"NO!"

Final Score: Ohio State 63 - Michigan 6

Day 3
"Hey! I.. scored again! Alright!"

".....Okay, this is getting ridiculous."

"How high will they allow the score to go before they just end it?"
-"I don't think there is a limit. I don't know, why?"
"Because I have like.. 105 points."
-"What quarter is it?"
"Third."
-"This announcer needs to say some new shit, he's annoying."

"Tim. Tim, how do you make it harder?"

Final Score: Ohio State 112 - Michigan 0

Day 4
"I'm just picking random plays now. I'm TRYING to f*ck up. I even turned up the Human chance or error percentage and turned down the A.I. error to the point where they're fucking.. GODS or something. What's a Screen Pass? I don't even know, but it worked."

"This is boring. What the hell is this?"
-"Maybe if you played Dynasty Mode it would be harder. You could start playing with Kent State or something."
"Alright."
-"More of a challenge."

5 days later...
"Nope."
-"Nope what?"
"It wasn't harder. I took Kent State to a BCS Championship. I didn't even think that was possible."
-"It's not."
"Apparently it is."

"I don't get what people see in this."

And so ended Grandma's brief feeling of euphoric joy for beating Michigan. It just isn't any fun when it's easy.

The first time she scored a touchdown she was screaming like Mexico had just won the World Cup. She was so excited she missed kicking the extra point.

Then, slowly, every touchdown after that was a little bit more subdued than the last. Eventually it was just silence, and then frustration. Frustration because now she would have the boring task of playing defense until the other team fucked up enough to give her the ball.

She felt cheated.


Being broke and hungry for something new, she rented Metal Gear Solid 4.

Metal Gear, PS3 graphics, playing an old bad-ass.. it seemed like a good idea.

It was fun for me, anyway.

I didn't get to play the game, but as I sat on the computer just feet away from her journey as Solid Snake played at full-volume, it was great to hear that all too familiar "HOLY-SHIT-SOMEONE-SAW-YOU-AND-NOW-YOU-ARE-FUCKED!" alert sound again, followed by a torrent of Grandma's usual verbal challenges that said to the game "No, I do not believe he saw me, my good sir, for as you can see I was crouching under this futuristic camo thingy and was invisible; thusly I believe there must be some mistake."

Or if you prefer:

"GOD DAMMIT! HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO HIDE WHEN THEY STEP ON YOUR FACE?!"

I'd have more to say on MGS4 but to tell the truth, she took it back to Hollywood Video before she finished it. I did get some video of her trying to explain the plot to me, though. Although I think that might be unfair to Grandma. I watched her play it for hours and I still have no idea what the hell it was about.

I'll post it as soon as I get my sound card working again :)


F.E.A.R.!

I don't know what it stands for and neither do you. A bunch of you guys online recommended it to Grandma so she went out and bought herself a copy.

She found it to be a pretty solid manifestation of what Doom 3 or The Darkness could have been. Sadako Samara Mayu Some fucked up little evil girl is killing some dudes; you got to stop her ass. As far as FPS games go, it wasn't her favorite but she played it to death. I wasn't with her most of the time she played the thing, but I was with her at the end.

She had tried fighting a boss or... something for hours to no avail. It would, in her words, "kill you with a single touch. I don't know what the fuck."

She printed off a couple pages of GameFAQs and went back to work. After awhile, she killed the thing, stared at the screen for awhile as the subwoofer shook the room and then..

..nothing.

"That was it? It's over.. I think. Yup. That's the end of the game. Huh."

Not exactly the most glowing reaction she's ever had to a game but it'll do.

From hearing her talk about it, it's the FPS equivalent to King of the Hill. Not exactly the best thing on television but at least it's not painful to watch.


Infinite Undiscovery!

Grandma loved it. That's not surprising seeing Grandma digs all things Square. She even said herself it was more or less a FFXII clone. Me? I hated it. I've never played it, but I hate it. Have you played it? Then you know why I hate it. Here's why:

"CAN YOU TREAT THEM?!"
"CAN YOU TREAT THEM?!"
"SOMEONE! PLEASE TREAT THEM!"
"CAN YOU TREAT THEM?!"
"CAN YOU TREAT THEM?!"
"SOMEONE! PLEASE TREAT THEM!"
"CAN YOU TREAT THEM?!"

The syncopation of this audio (heard during every SINGLE FUCKING BATTLE) is right up there with those annoying goddamn Saved By Zero Toyota ads-- it gets stuck in your head all day.

When you're at the gas station, waiting in line to pay.
CAN YOU TREAT THEM?!
When you're at work, trying to concentrate.
CAN YOU TREAT THEM?!
When you're driving home.
SOMEONE! PLEASE TREAT THEM!
When you're eating dinner.
CAN YOU TREAT THEM?!
When you're trying to sleep.
HELP THE INJURED!
When you're stabbing yourself in the temple with a steak knife.
SOMEONE! PLEASE TREAT THEM!

Grandma didn't give a shit, she's hard of hearing. But when you hear something that sounds like "INNUENDO DIVE!!" for the one millionth time and you STILL have no idea what that could mean, it's hardly a milestone that can be celebrated without a call to the suicide hotline.

God DAMN.

But she liked it! She thought the storyline was kind of cliche, but it's a Square game so she can forgive. She would talk about how it was sort of immature and how awkward it was constantly having little kids in one's party, a strange Japanese sort of necessity in RPGs, but that was before she played Fable II.

And she's got a hell of a lot to say about Fable II. So that gets its own post next week.

See you then!

Game on!

/SOMEONE! PLEASE TREAT THEM!

35 Comments:

  • At 9:16 AM, Blogger Gabby said…

    Yay! Grandma is still alive and kicking! I was wondering when you would get a chance to update again.

    We are a little late starting Infinite Undiscovered because we were finishing up Disgaea 3.

    We are about 3/4ths of the way through the game, and as I'm reading about all the words you keep hearing during the battles I can hear his voice in the back of my head. It's fun so far, I can't wait to finish it and get started on something else.

     
  • At 11:51 AM, Blogger Jess said…

    Good to see a post! I hope Grandma enjoys Fallout 3 because it's pretty cool. Also, she should look into Dead Space... the game is SICK!!! She'd have a lot of fun with it, it's scary as hell!

    GAME ON!

     
  • At 8:53 PM, Blogger Matty said…

    Thank goodness you are back again my dose of old people swears was to a minimal !

     
  • At 1:17 PM, Anonymous Scary69 said…

    Good to see Grandma is still playing some games. Maybe she should try Dead Space. Fallout is amazing and so is resistance. I added Grandma to my PS3 friends still waiting on being accepted. Good luck with the rest of the games.

     
  • At 5:23 PM, Blogger Gamer Named Tim said…

    It's so good to hear from you guys! It's been a while.

    Are you still going on that cruise?

    P.S. - F.E.A.R.: First Encounter Assault Recon

     
  • At 8:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Yeah, that acronym makes no god damned sense.

     
  • At 12:56 PM, Blogger Dante said…

    i was wondering, is grandma for sale? XD



    regards,
    Anime

     
  • At 3:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Tim, I adore you. You made me laugh and feel better when I was sick. :)

    CAN YOU TREAT THEM?!

     
  • At 1:58 PM, Anonymous Scary69 said…

    Yeah you guys still going on that cruise?

     
  • At 10:31 PM, Blogger Roy Manseras said…

    Hi, this is very interesting. I hope you would continue this advocate to spread your good news. By the way, I have a site which offers Free E-Books for computers, programming, cooking lessons, sexy magazines and so much more. Please visit my Free E-Book Downloads website. Thanks.

     
  • At 7:46 AM, Anonymous Ross Angus said…

    Did OGH check out The Graveyard? I'd love to know her take on it. By the way, I'm not sure, but I think Roy Manseras up there isn't for real. I think he's some form of robot. Hi Robo Manseras!

     
  • At 10:06 AM, Anonymous Jenni said…

    This site is hilarious! OMG!

    I hope to be gaming at that age.

    GAME ON GRANDMA!

    w00t,

    Jenni =)

     
  • At 1:44 AM, Anonymous mandy_Reeves said…

    Is Grandma getting Animal Crossing City Folk? I want her to visit my town if she gets it

     
  • At 7:19 AM, Blogger SCORPIO said…

    You have very nice blog to read and also please visit our website for getting more news about shipping thrugh our shipping directory and also you can use our Indian free classifieds to get more business inquiry.

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  • At 7:29 AM, Blogger SCORPIO said…

    You have very nice blog to read and also please visit our website for getting more news about shipping thrugh our shipping directory and also you can use our Indian free classifieds to get more business inquiry.

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  • At 10:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    great blog keep it going !!

     
  • At 9:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hmm, Infinite Undiscovery really isn't a Square game...the series have always been developed by tri-Ace and published by Enix (and now Square Enix). All tri-Ace games have a distinct characteristic that have brought them a cult following (note: followers of tri-Ace, not Square). The game was actually originally going to be published by Microsoft, thus making it the first tri-Ace game not published by Enix or Square Enix (but of course, that did not happen).

    Anyway, if Grandma digs the game, that's great to hear.

     
  • At 1:06 AM, Blogger James said…

    Can't wait to hear what Grandma's take on Fable 2 is.

     
  • At 8:00 AM, Anonymous TechNald said…

    haha. grandma is still so strong!

     
  • At 6:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Oh please, give us more updates in here! What's happening now? I miss Grandma's playing reviews and your posts. I wish you could post some interestic photos too...

     
  • At 11:23 PM, Blogger Doyle said…

    I'll say this, F.E.A.R. is a party once you get good w/ the reflex toggle. It can still get tough, and I wish it had the ability to replay missions, but I enjoyed it immensely. I would probably say that my favorite level for sheer comic genius is when you're stuck in that elevator w/ the daughter, and you have the random level stops. The Elevator Music is Hilarious. Otherwise, I enjoyed that game a bunch. I really wished I'd held on to it and bought the expansions.

     
  • At 1:47 PM, Blogger Brandy Rose said…

    How did she like the intro to Fallout 3? I personally found it....long.

     
  • At 3:54 PM, Blogger Alco said…

    Yay, Grandma is still kickin' some games' asses!

    I've just finished Lego Batman, I never thought I'd be playing it but since it was a present I thought I owed it to my friend to play it. And it was... fucking good!!

    Anyway, now I'm all into Left 4 Dead and I love it. I'm also interested in Grandma's opinion of Fable II. Glad you'll post something next week!

    Take care and GAME THE FUCK ON !!

     
  • At 11:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    lol did you really expect him to post something next week

     
  • At 11:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Brandy Rose... If Grandma handled MGS4 opening and the rest then Fallout 3 is nothing. I was annoyed that MGS4 did a snip at Fallout with there War... War has changed comment though.

    Maven

     
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  • At 4:27 PM, Anonymous rusty said…

    Why can't you be my grammy!!???

     
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  • At 3:02 AM, Blogger Preston said…

    Has anyone else noticed the promiscuity of the title of this page, "Old Grandma Hardcore?"

     
  • At 6:56 PM, Anonymous Braujo said…

    HAPPY NEW YEAR GRANDMA!! May your 2009 bring you lots of happiness, health and cool games! Game on!

     
  • At 11:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Tim, you and Grandma are awesome. Happy new year and I can't wait to hear what Grandma thinks of Fable 2.

    Never Change.

     
  • At 3:47 AM, Anonymous alma said…

    wow nice blog. i liked it

     
  • At 1:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Great to seeBuy Cheap RS Gold Grandmother is still enjoying a few games. Maybe the woman should try Lifeless Space. Results is wonderful so is level of resistance. We added Granny in order to my own Playstation 3 250gb friends nonetheless
    WOW Gold holding out with getting accepted. Have fun with other games.

     

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