Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Friday, August 03, 2007

Grandma on Overlord

"I don't really care about the corruption thing, I just kill the peasants and the sheep and raid all the houses for the hell of it. It gets your little guys all armored up and you don't get arrested like in Oblivion. Farming sheep is an easy way to boost up your weapons and shit in the forge, but you can do that in the dungeon and you don't have to run around all over the damn place. I set the Sacred Tree on fire too, but that was an accident."

"I fucking hate this camera.... SHIT! I keep going to use the thumbsticks and that just drowns your minions! They're stupid! Look at 'em; you make them go in the water and they just stand there and die. Why can't it be where you hold down the LB button and use the thumbsticks? This is a pain in the ass, you can only turn left."

Grandma - "There's a spawn thingy out in the middle of the water for the yellows, but only the blues can go in the water."
Me - "Browns."
Grandma - "What?"
Me - "They're brown."
Grandma - "Well the fucking glowing thing is yellow and the Y button is yellow so they're yellow."
Me - "But the dude says 'Browns' when you press the button."
Grandma - "Whatever. The thing is, you have to put the blues in the water before hand so when the yellows or browns or whatever-the-fuck comes out and dies, the blues can bring them back to life and carry them HERE."
Me - "Okay."
Grandma - "But they won't stay there for very long so you have to fight with the goddamn thumbstick after you let the yellows out or you have to keep the blues until the very last possible second. And you don't have enough to get all of them anyway."
Me - "Well what do I do with them when I get them?"
Grandma - "Hell if I know."

"Fucking... BLUES don't fight for SHIT- GODDAMMIT.
They're all fucking dead.
Now I have to go all the way back."

[While on phone with someone] "Hang on a minute I have to turn this down. When the dude is almost dead- yeah, in the game I'm playing- well, when his health is low the heartbeat sound shakes the goddamn walls.
.........There, that's better. Now I can hear you."

"Aw, you cocksucker. Every last one. Couldn't kill the fucker fast enough and it lit them on fire. ........FUCK!"

Grandma - "You know this game would be fabulous if it had a goddamn map."
Me - "It has a map."
Grandma - "Where?"
Me - "It has this little fold out thing that came with the manual."
Grandma - "That's not a map. I can't even read that. They might as well have put it on a postcard. I need a real map on the screen. Each area; all the paths look the same. I just run around in circles until I find some tree or something that they were supposed to cross. This game needs a map."


Me - "Did you get a Mistress yet?"
Grandma - "Yeah, but all she does is puts that thing upstairs so you can decorate."
Me - "Well what did you think she was going to do?"
Grandma - "I don't know. Maybe it would be like God of War."
Me - "Nah, it's rated Teen."
Grandma - "So that's what teens do, then."
Me - "What?"
Grandma - "Decorate."
Me - "Right."
Grandma - "What kills me though, is that it assumes you're a dude. You have to get a Mistress for the achievement. You can't see the Overlord's face, so maybe it could be a woman."
Me - "Why are you assuming it isn't?"
Grandma - "I'm saying you should have a choice."

"C'mere! Look at this! Watch.. you put them in the bar or ..tavern or whatever, well look- ....They come out pissing! Hahahahaaahaaa!
You know what this is like? This is like Conker, kind of. Conker was a drunken pisser too."

Grandma - "Shit."
Me - "What?"
Grandma - "I have to go all the way back to the Tower to get health and I have no more minions. Goddamn zombies killed them all."
Me - "No you don't, just pause the game and select 'Go to Tower'".
Grandma - ".......You gotta be shitting me."
Me - "What?"
Grandma - "I didn't know you could do that! Jesus! You know how many times I've ran around this place? Christ! You could have told me that before."
Me - "I thought you knew."
Grandma - "Yeah well... I didn't."

"I have to get rid of some of these but I need the yellows or the greens to fight those things because the blues and reds don't do much in the front. At least the greens jump on stuff."

"God DAMMIT! NOooooooo!! There goes every one of my guys. He fucking sat on them."

Game on!


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