Grandma's Better Judgment

Doom is out in theaters now. Grandma knows this but she tries not to discuss it around the children. One must not show their fear around the wee ones, the visible panic alone will clue them in to the coming end of days. Grandma hates movies made from video games. The announcement of an upcoming movie project based on a good game is followed by a loud hand-slap to the forehead and they phrase "FUCK! Not again!"

Sure, she laughed at Tron like the rest of us, but that was movie first, game second. Please, shield your eyes and back slowly away from your computer if you are not ready for some depressing recent nostalgia.

Let's go through some of Grandma's thoughts on the worst things to happen to video games since Jack Thompson, the movie adaptations:

Alone In The Dark (2005)

"It really isn't that hard to make a god awful shitty game into a god awful shitty movie, is it?"

"Jesus, when does this fucking end..."

"You know something, this guy was better in Interview With The Vampire, and he was only in it for 10 minutes."

"The only good thing about this movie is his apartment at the beginning. You might as well turn it off after that.


Lara Croft: Tomb Raider: The Cradle Of Life (2003)

"What does this have to do with anything???"

"I think we've watched this before. I think they just changed outfits to make the sequel."

"Boob shot! That's like ...five now."

"Oh, yeah- that was in the game. Sure it was. This is so stupid..."

"Who wrote this shit? Someone was paid to write this down! THEY PAID SOMEONE. Tim, MILLIONS of dollars were spent on this. That money could have been used in much better places than this fucking thing. Like another game."


Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004)

"Jesus GOD, they made another one."

"I like Mila Jovovich, what the FUCK is she doing in this movie?"

"Why don't we just PLAY THE GAME instead of watching this? It would be so much better if, at the movie theater, they just had a guy playing Resident Evil, doesn't matter which one, and they just projected the image on the screen for two hours then you leave. THAT would have been better."

"You know the same fucker that made Mortal Kombat made this thing? You would think he would LEARN."


Super Mario Brothers (1993)

[Before the movie] "Tim, are you excited? This is supposed to be cool! Just like the game! [...] Two popcorns please... yes we're both Nintendo Fans! Do you have like a special cup or something? [...] I wonder how they are going to have the Koopas!"

[During the movie] "..."

[After the movie] "What the FUCK was that? WHAT WAS THAT?? Did we just PAY to see that? Oh my God. Tim, I'm so sorry I drug you out to this thing. I'm sorry."


And yet, we see them every year. That's how they get us. They know that deep within our consumer muscle tissue there is a natural enzyme that must be replenished by constant flashbacks and references to games we love. We all seek that one big cutscene at the end of the game that explains everything, and Grandma is no different. The movies tease us with promises of easter eggs and obscure game-movie crossovers that only the true fans will enjoy. Then the studios, for one reason or another, walk smiling up to our open mouths as we close our eyes awaiting the sweet taste of the communion provided by hidden code and closure, only to open them moments too late as they piss down our throats screaming "HEY FANBOY CONSUMER!! THANKS FOR THE $7.50, BITCH!!"

Grandma HOPES David Jaffe is going to be a part of making the God of War movie. She HOPES American McGee's: Alice isn't going to be ruined by Sarah Michelle Gellar. She HOPES Bungie is intimately involved with the Halo movie. Silent Hill, Rainbow Six, and Splinter Cell; favorites all, are just awaiting to be raped by the movie industry. In the end, however, it is Grandma who suffers most.

All she has left is HOPE.

And $7.50.

We'll tell you what we think of Doom when we get back.