O, The Joys Of XBox Live

Several lessons were learned this morning while playing Halo 2 on XBox Live.

1. Everyone on the entire planet; including people talking on the phone while playing; is better at Halo 2 than my brother Ken and I. We are the lowest of the low, despite our deceivingly "high" level 9 ranking. I would let Kenny take full blame for the suckage; but we traded the controller off every two games or so; and as what sounded like an eight year old from Minnesota put it- I apparently "suck donkey balls."

2. If Grandma was playing this morning instead of going out and her mic was on- she would be banned very, very quickly by both Bungie and XBox Live.

Influenced by other great documents of our time; The XBox Live Code of Conduct explicitly prohibits Grandma from participating. Lets go through the evidence:

"Microsoft isn't responsible for anything you say on the service or for anything that happens because of what you say; you alone are responsible."

Well shit! Who else could take responsibility for Grandma threatening toddlers over the network than the keepers of the network? I understand though I have to ask the question- what's wrong with threatening toddlers? It's not like we'd actually do anything. They're toddlers!

"Don't harass, abuse, or spam other players"

This comes down to what one considers abuse. Perhaps there is some long-term negative effect to having the repeated phrase "PISS" constantly focused into one's ears. Gameplay may change when online, yes- but who said anything about debilitating neurological spasms caused by obscenities?

"Don't scream, yell, threaten, or stalk other players"

Like I have to explain this one. This is basically read "Grandma shall not speak."

"Don't distribute, post, or discuss obscene or other unlawful materials like child pornography or illegal drugs"

Alright, here's a hypothetical. Grandma is in the Rumble Pit and is killed, let's say, every time she spawns. A wee bit aggravated, Grandma calmly states into the microphone, to no one in particular "Whoever the fucking spawncampershitbag is, if I find where you live, I'm coming into your home and tearing off your head so your parents can watch the consequences, you fuck, you whore, you dirty, dirty whore." Again, this is a complete hypothetical because Grandma does not yet know the term "spawncampershitbag," but after our bouts online this morning have proved, I think she may soon, seeing as it required within the lexicon of Halo newspeak, which is doubleplus important. Now, what if some crazy guy gets off on the idea of decapitating children in front of their parents? Is this an instance of distributing child pornography? I don't know! You tell me.

"Don't give out information that personally identifies you such as your real name, address, phone number, credit card number, etc. while you're playing."

Well, shit- I was asked twice this morning if I was "Grandma Hardcore with the videos and the thing." The wheels have been set in motion; promises were made; lives have been lost; it has begun already.

"Don't create a Gamertag or nickname with any profanity, sexually explicit language, sexual innuendo, or racial, ethnic, or religious slurs in it."

Fuck! Our Gamertag is OGHC. Old Grandma Hard Core. 10% of our first time visitors each day search Google and MSN and find us using the following keyword queries: "old fuck"; "grandma fuck"; "grandma fucking grandson"; "bestiality" (don't know how that one happened); "videos of fuck grandma"; "dirty grandma"; "old people screwing"; "Conker Live and Reloaded"; "granny porn"; "grandma on grandma fuckfest"; "hardcore grandma"; "grandma"; and "Zebra Soccer Two." I think we have a bit of a reputation.

"Don't create a name that references controversial religious topics, notorious people, organizations, or sensitive current or historical events that may also be considered inappropriate."

I return to our previous dilemma. And seeing how many e-mails we get each day telling Grandma she can be saved by Jesus (sometimes it's Allah) if only she stopped her evil ways; Grandma has become somewhat of an island religious folks use for target practice.


She doesn't have to worry about getting booted for cheating, because, well- we suck. I don't think we're clever enough to commence a plan that would increase our rankings so we could match with much more experienced online Halo gamers... ...which really wouldn't make much sense anyway, because: again, we suck. Grandma did great in the single player mode; even when it got hard. She's done her share of exterminating The Flood; she has the scars to prove it. ...But you folks online, man- I tip my hat, were I wearing one- right to you: you rule. We'll keep playing online; Grandma has been invited by some great players and some great communities and she'll love it. But based on the above reasons she's going to have to be very careful.

--More updates on the way! The camera is picking up some great Grandma vs. Fatal Frame 2 spook fest footage so more videos are imminent. Thanks again to TriXie for giving the gift of XBox Live, or should I say "pushing" the "addictive beyond all hell" XBox Live; we can't stop playing!! You dealer you ;) Thanks for the comments and e-mails everybody; you know what we like!!--