Grandma Plays Bingo, Bitch!

Grandma sometimes indulges in the old-timey sport reserved for the elderly- Bingo. For those of you who have never been, Bingo is sort of like a cross between the lottery and Rock Paper Scissors. It's all luck, but you convince yourself that strategy is somehow involved. Normally you will have one grandma in a corner with a single sheet of games (9 games) and the "hardcore" grandmas sitting together smoking; each with two pads (18 games) sitting in front of them, lucky dobbing color ready to scan the paper at high speeds for such tricky beasts as B6 or the elusive N25.

We've all done stupid things of which we're somewhat ashamed. I've seen the movie "Koyaanisqasti" at least thirty times. I'll probably watch it again, feeling all superior and artsy because I "get the message." But going with Grandma to play Bingo without alcohol in any form is probably one of the dumbest.

I can best Grandma in Halo 2; she can kick my ass in Hot Shots Golf. I can out team her in Madden; but she can destroy me in Doom 3. I can climb a rock wall pretty fast; but Grandma will be forever known as the Bingo Gladiator.

Most bingo halls in the area cater to the elderly, so they read out the numbers nice and slow; reaching in to a big ol' bin of balls and lethargically reciting the numbers in between long sips of hot coffee. But not this place- this place has for one reason or another hired what seems to be a cattle auctioneer from the 19th century. If this man spoke just a bit faster, he could out compete the digitally shortened legal disclaimers at the end of furniture commercials on the radio. This means that after the guy reads out a number, one has to search through 18 cards to find it multiple times all before his speedy hand picks up the next ball and repeats the process.

And I have to go to the washroom because god DAMN that was strong coffee.

Shit.

I manuver my way through the corridors of walkers, wheel chairs and oxygen tanks knowing that I may be lynched if I distract any pensioners away from their zen focus. I might as well have been a dancing clown with an airhorn at a LAN party. I knew I lost this game; by the time I would get back, twenty numbers could have been read and there was no way I could catch up.

When I returned; Grandma showed me my cards and said "you won, you have to go over there so they can confirm it." Well son of a bitch. While I was off in the bathroom Grandma had managed to play all four cards; 36 games simultaneously; with the Micro Machines guy at the helm reading numbers.

When one plays video games, one plays hard in all games it seems. To say the least, I was humbled by the experience.

--More updates on the way! Sorry about the delay in posting over the weekend; we were out of town busting heads for the boss. Coming tonight- Ask Grandma Hardcore #3; Open Forum..... More to come tomorrow..... Thanks for all the comments and e-mails! --