My Grandma, The Hypocrite

The web cam is picking up some good stuff for the next video. Conker has a quirk to it that adds a bit of guaranteed frustrated screaming; the game isn't exactly linear. Sometimes she just wanders around for ten minutes wondering "where the fuck do I go now?" She still enjoys Conker L&R, as evident in the statement "oh he's cute! You know I think I like all games with cute animals..."

Normally when a gamer makes a blanket statement like that, somebody is going to challenge it. And so I did. I knew the three horrifying words that would not only prove her wrong, but also make her skin crawl. If you feel uncomfortable reading about an old lady trembling in terror, you should stop reading now.

"Oh yeah?" I said, building up what she knew she had coming. "What about Ecco The Dolphin?"

She actually paused her game and looked at me. She knew what I said, but she asked anyway. "What did you say?"

"Ecco The Dolphin, Sega Genesis, early nineties- you know..."
"That doesn't count."
"Why not? Ecco was cute."
"...No. Ecco was not cute. Ecco was fucking annoying." I knew I hit a nerve. She gave me a look that said "that name is never again to be mentioned in this house," and continued on with Conker, trying to get back the joyous buzz I just killed.


Let me tell you a little about Grandma's love-hate relationship with Ecco. Usually, when Grandma hates a game, I mean truly despises it, she'll just take back the Rental, make a mental note of who made it, and consider out loud the possibility of sending them hate-mail. But not Ecco. She kept plugging away at the thing until her fingers hurt. Her quest for "finding air" in a level compares to a doctor knowingly trying to resuscitate the known rapist-murderer of a child. Our house was lit up during Grandma's Ecco phase by screams I had never heard before, and have never heard since. They weren't the fun "Die, Cocksucker!!" shouts like in Resident Evil; and they wern't the half laugh, half cries of "God dammit!! Please just get on the fucking ledge!!" from Aero the Acrobat and others. These screams were inhuman bellows not meant to be heard by anyone who has not participated in war.

"FUCKING SHIT GOD DAMMIT!!!!!!!!"
"JUMP OVER THE GODDAMN ISLAND!!!!!!!"
"YEEEAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

It hurts to remember, but it is necessary so that we do not make the same mistake again.

--Coming up... Video #4: Conker Live and Reloaded... A Trip To Circuit City.... Etc.,. We feed on your comments and e-mails!! Keep them coming!--