Grandma Hates Punk Ass Politics

A phrase used by some non-fiction storytellers to prepare the audience for a Shyamalan twist: "Dude, you can't make this shit up."

A couple days after Hillary decides not to go for Grandma's vote all over a cup of coffee, a car pulls into our driveway. Grandma's not home, she's at therapy. I have to deal with whatever subpoena or restraining order or newspaper salesmen myself, wearing a FragDolls t-shirt and tattered jeans. Shit. I open the door to find a man wearing a white shirt and tie holding a book with his mini-me child, also white shirt and tie holding a book ...and a pamphlet.

Let's be clear, I'm always very polite to Jehovha 's Witnesses, I let them come in, ask them if they'd like coffee, half-listen to what they have to say and half-listen to Cartoon Network. I never argue, I'm cordial, because you know what? People can believe what they want to believe, man. If it comforts you, if you believe it's true- then it's true to you. Rock on, it's not my business. I'm not going to be a dick and tell you you're wrong.

So the kid reads some scripture while our dogs are barking like the Poltergeist is about to jump out of the closet to get them and I thank him, kind of hoping that he wonders about the Tivo'd Powerpuff Girls kicking ass in the background on the way home. His father thanks me for letting him read to me, they give me a pamphlet and very politely go away.

When Grandma gets home I show her the pamphlet, you know- for fun; "Don't even give that shit to me, ...Tim, look at the cover; why would you give that to me?""Why? What's wrong with it? .......Oohhh."

Grandma goes on her merry way to play some GameCube and I actually take a closer look at the cover. That's when I realize the cover art actually depicts the exact kind of movie Grandma and I would go see. In fact, you make a movie like this, we'll see it twice if it's any good. Check this out:So what are we looking at here, we have a hot girl looking somewhat nervous but not at all terrified she's being chased through heavy traffic by helicopters; we have a briefcase with a little blinky light on it and what looks like a speaker- and check out the handcuffs!! I bet they cut the arm off of whoever they were intended. I hope so. The dude is the best, though- he has a GTA III sneer and a Reservoir Dogs look that makes me beg Tarantino to make it. I can imagine Grandma and me at the theater listening to the dialogue; "You want to fuck with me? I'll show you who you're fucking with!!" screaming out taunts and ridicule like we were at the Magic Johnson Theater (which actually is fun to go to, by the way).


I talked to her later about it. "What do you have against Jehovha's Witnesses?"
"Nothing," she said. "I just don't believe that violence in video games and movies has shit to do with anything."

Preach on, Grandma. A-fucking-men.


--More to come!!--