Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Grandma's Descent Into Madness (Also Video 10)

God of War has been defeated, Grandma has triumphed. God of War was not only an awesome game, it invoked a unique sort of exciting brutality that could only be portrayed in a mythological setting. It isn't dancing cupids and unicorns frolicking in a pastoral homage to the happy fun tales of Oedipus's neighbor Jeff The Shepard- it's dark; the way you imagine the original stories, spoken aloud and filtered through the twisted minds of the bards, as dark. If Icarus had flown too high, it was only to escape this.

Grandma really dug the controls. The combos were easy to memorize and important to strategically time; creating the perfect balance of "I loves me an IN-HUMAN Combo!!" and "Jesus FUCK!! GET AWAY FROM ME!!" She died in this game. A lot. The spinning blade-tapered bars of Hades made Kratos cry more than ...oh, 60 or so times, I'd imagine; and the message "Continue From Last Checkpoint" was more verbal abuse than user interface.

The graphics were incredible. The well-animated 2D sheeted cutscenes blended style with gore in such art you instantly forgave the distant view of giant Ares using the same two moves to punish the city of Athens. Each cut of Kratos blade was so much like a dance it became believable skill, enough for Grandma to request chain blades seared into her arms by the Gods to safely walk through East Cleveland at night.

This was a very dear recommendation you guys gave us; pat yourself on the back!


Grandma's sense of immediacy when it comes to games can be offset by a few things. First- the telephone.
The sound was fantastic, but for the most part Grandma probably couldn't hear it very well. She talks on the phone a lot so the hearing aid comes out lest a high-pitched feedback echoes around her head for awhile. She sees no reason, except when signed on to XBox Live, to stop playing a game simply because there is a bill collector or relative or telemarketer or lawyer on the other end. She just keeps going, mouthing her profanity in a mock silence whose whispers are probably picked up by her phone buddy- who is just too nice to mention anything.

Second is the barking of the dogs. Two dogs; both tiny; both fucking ANNOYING. There is much to be said about Grandma and the dogs, but for now, let's just say their yapping causes Grandma to start yelling which the dogs perceive as yapping creating a cycle of pain that can only grow, consuming all who stumble too close to ground zero.

Third is some child running around doing something stupid. This also happens frequently, as most of the children of the world have no legal suffrage- thus are legally stupid.

Last is the phrase "have you eaten yet?" This tiny little spell can stop Grandma from proceeding in basically any game. Why? Because the answer is always no. When you play a game for too long and don't prescribe to the necessary diet as stated in previous posts, you just plain forget to eat sometimes, god dammit! So I made this little video trying to illustrate the exact break points for the MiniDV tape created the morning Grandma beat God of War. In the tape, Grandma is playing the game and I'm fucking around with the camera or something. Then we go eat. Then we come back to more of the same. I wish it were more smooth, but this is what our life is like. Behold!!

[WMV; 01:45; 4.45mb]

From the time the video was shot to the time Grandma beat the game was a straight 6 hours. Grandma compared Ares to defeating Ruby Weapon, so it had to have been hell.

She woke me up in the morning with a look that told the story of the Americas as remembered by coffee farmers and said simply "I beat Ares. I beat the fucker."

Game on.


  • At 1:46 AM, Blogger Minona said…

    Congrats to your grandma, she rocks as usual.

  • At 11:02 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    This video is great, have enjoyed my daily visits. Congrats Grandma.


  • At 11:21 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Grandma compared Ares to defeating Ruby Weapon, so it had to have been hell.

    Ouch. Congratulations on sweet black victory, Grandma!

  • At 11:24 AM, Blogger adam. said…

    hah, sweet video. At first i thought you were rolling up on a Dennys or something and i thought to myself, "why that sort of fine dining robs one of more time to complete games!"

    but of course i was wrong and you went for mcgut. Ah, the 24 hour drive through savior of late night cravings for those irresistable chicken mcnuggets. Combo #9 with hot mustard sauce. Always good.

  • At 12:12 PM, Blogger Leci said…

    Another cool video, Tim. :D

  • At 2:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    hah, that's great. what is the name of the song at the end of the video? :)

  • At 12:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Yeah, Ares was a bitch... no doubt about it. GoW is the kind of game that kills you with an attitude... it doesn't just rip Kratos apart(or impale or disembowel or set on fire or throw him to his doom or etc.), it is doing it to you!

    It's shoving a stick up your nose and laughing as you frantically try to get it out while the blood pours in copious amounts...

    So congratulations, grandma, congratulations for a job well done. :)

  • At 6:48 AM, Blogger Unknown said…

    Every old person is a library. I like talking with my grandma when I feel confused。


Post a Comment

<< Home