Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Predator: Concrete Jungle Kicks Grandma's Ass

If there is one thing people hate to see, it's a little old lady sitting in front of a television whimpering "Ooo! My Hands!" while Predator (who I had mistakenly thought was a nice guy) laughs viciously on screen. While the game resembles Spider Man in a few ways; the incredibly high jumping to a place your camera view will never be able to see very well; a sweet little package of graphics; the thrill of tearing a spine and skull trophy from a hapless gangster screaming "I AM PETER PARKER, BITCH!!", this Predator game is what Grandma calls a "button masher."

A Button Masher is defined as a game where the calluses you thought you so righteously earned playing acoustic guitar split open and bleed, leaving a purple stain of goo on your controller. Button Mashers (hereinafter known as "BM's") don't have the elegant combos of Devil May Cry or the sweeping death blows of Street Fighter Alpha II; they just hurt your fucking thumbs.

That's not to say Vivendi didn't try. They made a beautiful game. The cut scenes are fantastic, and Grandma could understand the concept of a dishonorable kill without a nod from Danny Glover- it was very true to it's Predator fan base- which certainly includes Grandma. The combat styles of this were just too much for the old bag, who couldn't remove the laid back memories of Soul Reaver from her tactile memory.

Bottom line, if you have a Grandma that has an irrational fear of a "B+Y" button attack sequence, this isn't the game for her. But if she just loves hunting people, then goddammit here's a great game. I'm still playing it, even if Grandma is done with the Rental.

This creates tension, though- it always has. Whenever I like a game she dismisses as a BM, or even worse a FDAG, GDPITA, or FB (Fucking Dumb Ass Game; God Damn Pain In The Ass, or Fucking Boring) she always sits behind me like a fun killing vulture, pouncing on every opportunity to turn my choice into a mistake she can't believe I made.

Here are some Grandma quotes:
"Are you still playing that shit?"

"You're not suppose to kill civilians- they're green."

Grandma - "The graphics suck. I can't see anything."
Me - "No, I'm in Thermal Mode."
Grandma - "...Why?"
Me - "....so I can see thermal-y."
Grandma - "That's stupid."
Me - "You liked Metroid Prime; you liked SplinterCell; why is thermal vision suddenly bad?"
Grandma - "...Cause it's stupid. That's why."
Me - "......"
Grandma - "You just died. Does that mean you have to start the mission all ov-"
Me - "Yes."
Grandma - "That's stupid."
Me - "......"

"Why would you need different costumes? He's PREDATOR!"

"Like those police barriers would actually stop Predator."

"Why do people keep showing up to get shot?!"

Grandma - "They stole that from Spiderman."
Me - "Great minds think alike, motherfucka'!"
Grandma - "No. I fucking hated Spiderman."
Me - "...."

--More updates on the way! Keep with the comments and e-mails alreadys! Thanks!!--


  • At 10:24 PM, Blogger Leci said…

    Ahh, the wonderful series of button mashers. How we love them. :D Or hate them. xD

  • At 12:26 AM, Blogger Ozark said…

    Dynasty Warriors the greatest of all Button Mashers... yay!!!

  • At 6:55 AM, Blogger Jakanden said…

    Me - "....so I can see thermal-y."

    That just made me laugh out loud for some reason. Maybe I should check this one out then and see if I agree with OGHC or you =)

  • At 4:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    good post. i really did enjoy Predator Concrete Jungle as well. Those series of grandma comments is what made me laugh. =D

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