Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Grandma Is Quite Displeased With Sid Meier's Pirates

Grandma rented this little gem when I was out camping. She's been a Sid Meier fan since "Civilization" and the life crippling "Civilization II," but for one reason or another, Sid rubbed Grandma the wrong way with Pirates.

Her gender confused pirate name was "Mr. Barb," although I'm sure she was going for the terror found at the business end of fish hooks in a swarthy sort of drinking moniker and not the obvious "Barbara St. Hilaire, The Pirate." I really had hoped she would like this one, being a recovering Meier addict myself looking for the next sweet hit of strategy laced methadone. It wasn't meant to be.

I asked her specifically what she didn't like about it.
Me- "What specifically didn't you like about it?"
She said she didn't know.
Grandma - "I don't know."

I wish I could have been there when she played it. It took a bit more nerve massaging to finally get the truth out of her.
Me- "You know, I hear the Pirates game is pretty good, I don't know what your problem was. You must hate Sid Meier; that's what it is. If you hate Sid, you hate America. What do you have against our troops?"

Grandma- ".......I couldn't get the fucking ship to go straight!!!!"

Me- "....that's it? That's why you hated the game?"

Grandma- "I got stuck on some stupid fucking Island, then I didn't have enough food so there was a mutiny; I tried to raid another ship but the crew were a bunch of assholes who wouldn't do what I wanted them to!! It was fucking stupid!"

Me- "Maybe you just didn't get it."

Grandma- "Oh, I got it. You're a pirate. You do pirate stuff. It was stupid, Tim. STUPID."

Me- "Okay."

Grandma- "Let's go rent something."

So I think in the end it all came down to Grandma's seamanship rather than the game's weaknesses. Mr. Barb's story is a short and sad one, but will forever be known in the pubs of the Caribbean as "that weird guy who kept running into shit with his ship." I tip my glass to you, Mr. Barb. May you rest in peace.


  • At 11:55 AM, Blogger Hapgroup1 said…

    Thanks a lot!! I am at work crying I am laughing so hard. RIP Mr. Barb!!! You will be missed!!

  • At 1:11 PM, Blogger Kirvi said…

    No kidding - our pirate was named AAARGH. He also kept running into shit, got stuck on an island in a big captured-fleet pile-up, and committed suicide by deleting his own save file. He hated all the daughters, and we couldn't figure out why the hell a pirate would want to be married anyway. Just kidnap some twit at each port, that should hold the whole crew over.

  • At 2:01 PM, Blogger Leci said…

    Poor Mr. Barb. ;_; If I were to play that game I would name my pirate "Yarrr!" xD

  • At 7:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I absolutely love OGHC!! I showed my gramma and she wants to meet her. Keep up the awesome work

  • At 6:49 AM, Blogger Jakanden said…

    I have never really dug any of Sid's games so I guess that means "I hate America" =p

  • At 10:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Why do games based on movies ALWAYS suck?
    - Mama Lombax

  • At 7:24 PM, Blogger Marian said…

    Grandma should give it another try, it's a fantastic game. There's stuff to complain about, such as the reptitious nature of various cut scenes, and the fact that you have to play this stupid "dance with the governor's daughters" mini-game in order to continue seduction of said daughters who can give you quests...but overall it's extremely good.

    The problem she had with the ships is probably based on two factors. First, wind speed/direction is a huge factor in sailing. Second there are a wide variety of ship types and some of them suck. You want to eventually take over better ships and pay for upgrades and the sailing is much smoother.

    Grandma should give it another shot. It's Sid fucking Miers after all. :D

    As always much love to Grandma.

  • At 1:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Mama Lombax, this isn't based on the Pirates of the Carbbiean movie. This is a remake of an old classic PC game of the same name in the 80s. Actually they kept everything mostly the same as the old one, mainly upgraded the graphics and the sea battle stuff.
    I guess if Grandma didn't really quite get the "sail with the wind" thing I can see how that could be frustrating coz if you couldn't get around, then everything falls apart!

  • At 12:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    my ship is suck and it cant go anywhere all it can do is spin around

  • At 1:46 AM, Blogger Kratar said…

    Wow, I'm saddened by the harsh responses to this game. Now I'll admit that I'm a Sid Meier fanboy (and I hate fanboys) so I may be a little biased, but I really likes this game. I can also say I never ran into any problems with the sailing, getting stuck or whatever. I did play it on the PC though, I'm not sure if that made any difference.

    I found the game just like all of Sid's stuff... crack in digital format. I just wasted two day straight sailing around in my Piratin' Ship. If you're finding the sailing furstrating but want to give the game another try I've got two suggestions:

    1. Remember to tack (zig zag) when you're sailing up wind or you'll never get anywhere

    2. Take the navigator skill at the start. You'll be able to move upwind much faster and the time you'll save sailing effectively gives you more time to get stuff done before the game ends so it more than compensates for what you're missing with the other skills.

    And that's my pro-Pirates! rant. Didn't mean to be so long winded but I gotta support a game I love (you wouldn't let anybody trash talk FF VII, would you?).

    Happy gaming!

  • At 3:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

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