Old Grandma Hardcore

This blog is the chronicle of my experiences with Grandma, the video-game playing queen of her age-bracket and weight class. She will beat any PS2, XBox, GameCube, etc., console game put in front of her, just like she always has. These are her stories. She is absolutely real. She lives in Cleveland.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Grandma Is Quite Displeased With Sid Meier's Pirates

Grandma rented this little gem when I was out camping. She's been a Sid Meier fan since "Civilization" and the life crippling "Civilization II," but for one reason or another, Sid rubbed Grandma the wrong way with Pirates.

Her gender confused pirate name was "Mr. Barb," although I'm sure she was going for the terror found at the business end of fish hooks in a swarthy sort of drinking moniker and not the obvious "Barbara St. Hilaire, The Pirate." I really had hoped she would like this one, being a recovering Meier addict myself looking for the next sweet hit of strategy laced methadone. It wasn't meant to be.

I asked her specifically what she didn't like about it.
Me- "What specifically didn't you like about it?"
She said she didn't know.
Grandma - "I don't know."

I wish I could have been there when she played it. It took a bit more nerve massaging to finally get the truth out of her.
Me- "You know, I hear the Pirates game is pretty good, I don't know what your problem was. You must hate Sid Meier; that's what it is. If you hate Sid, you hate America. What do you have against our troops?"

Grandma- ".......I couldn't get the fucking ship to go straight!!!!"

Me- "....that's it? That's why you hated the game?"

Grandma- "I got stuck on some stupid fucking Island, then I didn't have enough food so there was a mutiny; I tried to raid another ship but the crew were a bunch of assholes who wouldn't do what I wanted them to!! It was fucking stupid!"

Me- "Maybe you just didn't get it."

Grandma- "Oh, I got it. You're a pirate. You do pirate stuff. It was stupid, Tim. STUPID."

Me- "Okay."

Grandma- "Let's go rent something."

So I think in the end it all came down to Grandma's seamanship rather than the game's weaknesses. Mr. Barb's story is a short and sad one, but will forever be known in the pubs of the Caribbean as "that weird guy who kept running into shit with his ship." I tip my glass to you, Mr. Barb. May you rest in peace.


  • At 1:11 PM, Blogger Kirvi said…

    No kidding - our pirate was named AAARGH. He also kept running into shit, got stuck on an island in a big captured-fleet pile-up, and committed suicide by deleting his own save file. He hated all the daughters, and we couldn't figure out why the hell a pirate would want to be married anyway. Just kidnap some twit at each port, that should hold the whole crew over.

  • At 7:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I absolutely love OGHC!! I showed my gramma and she wants to meet her. Keep up the awesome work

  • At 10:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Why do games based on movies ALWAYS suck?
    - Mama Lombax

  • At 1:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Mama Lombax, this isn't based on the Pirates of the Carbbiean movie. This is a remake of an old classic PC game of the same name in the 80s. Actually they kept everything mostly the same as the old one, mainly upgraded the graphics and the sea battle stuff.
    I guess if Grandma didn't really quite get the "sail with the wind" thing I can see how that could be frustrating coz if you couldn't get around, then everything falls apart!

  • At 12:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    my ship is suck and it cant go anywhere all it can do is spin around

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