Shopping Carts

I got home from work today to find Grandma screaming at the television. "STUPID BITCH!!! I can't figure out how to kill this motherfucking OLD BIDDY!!" Apparently, in the 10th Chapter of Fatal Frame III: The Tormented, a certain crazy post-elderly person, who is dead, runs you over with her weapon of choice, a shopping cart.

About ten minutes later, Grandma scored a fully charged fatal frame shot that wiped out the old hag, and Grandma had successfully defeated ...Grandma.

Grandma finds the game extremely challenging (or as Grandma puts it "fucking IMPOSSIBLE) yet satisfying. She had a moment of clarity when a Washington Post reporter asked me how much time Grandma had put into Fatal Frame III, and I responded "only about 40 or 50 hours..." I gave the phone to Grandma and he asked the same question. She paused the game, glanced at the game-clock and replied "about 20 hours." When she told me about her answer, I told her that I gave a total cumulative time, including deaths, not the successful total completion time. Grandma played for awhile, paused, and fetched me from the kitchen. "You were right! If I die, the clock starts back from when I loaded, it didn't keep going. ...but that means... the times in OTHER games are probably... Jesus Christ!"

In other news, a friend of ours bought for their child a brand spanking new XBox 360, an act that has drove Grandma into a pure state of jealousy with a young boy. I will now share the tale that was passed down to me through Grandma, and then you can tell your children one day, and eventually through the filtered eyes of bloggers it will evolve into an event of apocalyptic proportions:

They stood in line for a few hours at a local ultracapitalistmerchanttradingcenter that shall remain nameless for the sake of the child who is to receive the gift. They held their ground approximately 23rd in a line of 50. The manager, carrying only 15 unfortunately named "pink slips" found himself under the hateful gaze of everyone standing at position 16 and beyond. The 15th lucky recipient of said pink slip had their XBox 360 for only a few euphoric moments before another man bolted from the shadows, grabbed the box, and ran to the counter, exhibiting an ability to pay and leave at such incredible speed, his inhuman asshole-qualities were almost set aside as those around him admired his skill.

As our friends stood around trying to decide on an appropriate substitute gift, the manager, a modern day knight of the highest order, rolled into the attention of so many hopeful shoppers with five XBox 360 boxes in a shopping cart. The subjects of our tale leapt into action, procuring one for themselves, and swiftly made their way to the checkout counter, XBox 360 resting patiently in their shopping cart.

But a monster would meet them where empty aisles had been expected.

A monster of unimaginable strength and power:

The Sneaky Lady.

She came from the West, deftly swiping the not yet purchased XBox 360 from their cart and began to run, only this time, the mobs were prepared.

"That's not fucking FAIR!"
"She wasn't even in LINE!"
"KILL HER!!"
"BURN HER!!"
"SAVE THE XBOX 360!!!!!!"

The manager, weary from battle yet firm in his authority, divided the surrounding crowd and approached The Sneaky Lady. The crowd told the tale of her trickery, they described the horrible plague she inflicted upon the townsfolk, they pleaded with the manager for justice, and by the gods- justice would be done.

The Sneaky Lady did not cry, she scowled.
The Sneaky Lady did not plead, she screamed.
The Sneaky Lady did not give back the XBox 360,
But her biggest mistake-
The Sneaky Lady did NOT sneak away.

The manager saw his opportunity. The Sneaky Lady tried to fight, but it was too late. The XBox 360 was taken from her horrific grasp, and placed back in our traveler's shopping cart product-holding apparatus. It was then whisked away to the checkout counter, only this time it came with an escort.

The XBox 360 awaits it's first breath of life on a shelf somewhere now, counting the days until a little child, full of promise, will reach under the branches of an artificial conifer to find the greatest fucking game system yet known to man.

And now, with this story, we all shall wait with it, and despise that child until we get one in our own shopping carts.


Also, everyone want to see something cool? For those of you who are not I'm Blue regulars and didn't notice yet, check out the computer screen in this comic. Notice anything? ;) Thanks Annie!

Game on!